aftermath of memory

Its amazing how one memory of her has completely rocked me .. not even a complete memory.. just the shape of one piece of her head . .

I have been weepy ever since. Just constantly close to tears. . And they seem to come easily.

Yesterday was just a much needed *almost* our family day. We all needed that time to be with just us. We all miss her.. in our own ways. Nicholas now insists on putting his shorts on backwards when he does them himself. .. He says thats how they are supposed to go. And since he is not a fan of chonies I cannot see how that is comfortable.JLK used to do the same with her shoes. Completely insistent that they go on the opposite foot. I was worried her feet were going to start growing incorrectly she did it so often and for so long! IMG_4745

Jonathan chooses to wear a Jennifer item most days.. I never know what it will be.. The glasses didn’t last long (thankfully because this was hard for me) but he seems to feel the same way about her things and love4jlk stuff that I do. A need for it versus a want for it.. IMG_3110 DSC_0122

I have days that I just need to have Charlotte in something that was very Jennifer. I always have something that was Jennifer’s or connects them together.. But some outfits just really remind me of Jennifer and I can put Charlotte in them and imagine the conversation sissy and I would have had about it.. Well kinda imagine since the memory of her voice hasn’t    returned to me.

 

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*this was a hair tie of baby Charlotte’s that JLK wore a lot. She liked that they could share it*

This Sunday Jonathan had some epic meltdowns.. Just outpuring of incredible emotion… emotion that ranged from despair to anger. ..It was a rough couple of hours on all of us.. but I think we managed through it well.

I have decided to pick focus points for each child.. what I want to concentrate on teaching them right now. And make all things I can come back to that.. Jonathan its expressing emotions in acceptable ways. Nicholas its being a good friend to his siblings. Charlotte its what no means and learning to talk.

At dinner I went back to what I used to do at meal time. Tony worked through dinner a lot in the past and I started to go crazy being with kids all day. So I started teaching/quizzing them. Everything from our nations capital and vice president to what street we live on to what sound a cat makes. I did that last night and dinner was truly enjoyable for all of us.

Before her death and after her death..

It really is how my life is divided now… More than anything else …probably more than everything else combined losing my daughter has changed me..

IS changing me..

I feel like I am just in the very early stages of growing into who I will be now. So I am trying to remember what I did well before and bring some of that with me.. I don’t have to completely start over again in all things..

Tony and I went to our marriage counseling tonight and its always good for us.. but today even better than normal. A lot of connections were made and we got a lot of clarity and focus.. I won’t share any of the Tony stuff.. but I will share mine. He has been hurt feeling like 2nd fiddle lately, I try so hard with the kids sometimes little is left for him. . but the truth I had to admit is that its 3rd fiddle sometimes. .And that is simply not ok. I will be putting in more effort for him. He deserves it.

Unravel is my baby right now too.. and she needs a lot of attention. I have a great support system and am doing a good job of asking for help.. but its overwhelming. I have never before felt like there weren’t enough hours in a day.. Now I do.

We went out to dinner after counseling. A week night date night was unheard of .. in the “before time”.. Hell even a weekend date night was a rarity in the Kranz household. But this is “after death” and its something that is needed for us to remain the couple we are ..

I am still just so very sad.

I have forgotten everything about the way my senses absorbed her.. this one thing.. one 4 square inch piece of her came back to me. It has proven to be both mesmorizing and terryifing .. what if every memory .. of all 5 senses rocks me like this?…

what if it doesn’t?

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17 Responses to “aftermath of memory”

  1. Your body does amazing things in grief…. Obviously you had healed enough (though I know it doesn’t feel like it) to start to let those memories surface. They will come back slowly. I still have days where it’s like “oh ya, I had forgotten about that”
    It’s both memorizing and terrifying. Just like you said… Goodnight friend

  2. Like everything else these memories will come back maybe not all at once but little by little. Big hugs for all you

  3. I hope you don’t get tired of hearing how amazing you are, Libby. 😉
    It’s just that we are so proud of you! You are juggling so much at once, and making sure that none of the truly important pieces (Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas, Charlotte) fall through the cracks. I will be saying special prayers for your marriage relationship to be blessed and grow even stronger and deeper. Please don’t forget to take a little time and care for yourself.

  4. You are by far a strong and loving mother. As I have said to you before I dont know that I could even function in your situation but you make time whether it is with tears or not for the rest of your family. Sometimes in a situation like this couples relationships get ruined but you and Tony are so strong and your both making sure that it doesn’t happen. You both are amazing. You are both so strong and there is so much love in your family and its so obvious with the words you right. Your life will never be what it was before your so right about that but I know that what ever is ahead of both you and your family you will handle it and stay strong as a family and as a couple. I pray every night for you and your family Libby and hope that the day of comfort will be there for your family. Even your little guys are hurting and it saddens me that as little as they are there pain is bigger than them. I pray that God embraces them each and every day and gives them the comfort they need when they are missing their “sissy”. I wish I lived closer Libby so I could lend a hand when you need some “me” time. The best part is that you have a wonderful family that is always there for help and that makes a difference for you. There is no doubt that you an Tony have a loving a strong relationship and I pray that your relationship with Tony stays strong and each and everyday its just gets stronger and deeper. Sending hugs to all of you.

  5. I am so very sad for you Libby…I just wish she was here with your family where she belongs. I pray for signs from heaven for you.

  6. every picture you share brings tears and smiles. she is just such an integral part of all of you. good job working on that marriage. and good job for Tony to verbalize that he is feeling like he’s lower on the totem pole. i think that happens to some degree in all marriages. It is important to take time to acknowledge it and to acknowledge that you can deal with it and you’ll work on it (both of you). Hang in there.

  7. There’s so much going on for you, the regular aggravations of daily life stuff, on top of the profound grief your entire family is experiencing…and putting together Unravel…it’s a lot on your plate and you’re astonishing in your ability to make it work.

  8. Wow, that smile of hers. Makes me smile, I look forward to meeting her in heaven, her stories have really impacted my life.

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