winning

Rarely do I type and erase.. but tonight I have been .. I’m not sure what exactly is holding me back.. I guess mostly fear of being judged.. or misunderstood. But as I start to think about the words that want to come.. I cry.. so I will share my truth.

Sometimes its hard to accept the good being done for us… since it means the worst has happened to us. And I just don’t 10312675_10204150703835781_2019158026447791538_nwant it to be true. I shared on friday that Wes from Coast Range wore a Unravel / love 4 jlk shirt the first day of the CrossFit games. It meant a lot to me..At first it was mostly just excited and touched .. but then it hit me yesterday.. The why. The why of all of this ..

because my daughter is dead.

and I am so sad. I don’t want it.. I would trade it all for her.. And I feel horrible crying about all the wonderful things that have happened for us.. the gifts we are still getting in the mail from strangers.. and wanting so desperately for it not to be happening..

And here is where I sound crazy.. and self absorbed beyond belief. Actually when I talked to Tony about it today he said I shouldn’t share.. but its such a big piece of my right now.. something I feel like I may want to remember in 5 yrs ..

I went for a run this morning and I talked to her. I told her about Wes.. about what he is doing .. I said maybe she could go help him.. that I don’t know what its like for her or if she can do that sort of thing.. maybe she could grab some friends.. some big guys  to go help.

It took us a long time to watch it this afternoon.. but when we did the first thing I noticed was his bright pink and glittery Love4Jlk bracelet.. and then we watched him.. the announcer said it was like his brain checked out and his body just did what it had to do.. he looked like what I felt like during her eulogy. ..

pushed forward.

…type … erase… type …erase…

I feel so egotistical or like I am minimizing his training for a whole year that got him to this point.. I’m not .. I swear.. It’s just ..I don’t even know how to explain what I felt then watching it..

She is getting to experience so many things now.. she was there…beyond my psychosis ..she was there.. by him wearing her bracelet.. her initials.. her name, the only way I used to write it..my JLK.. she was there.

She got to experience being a winner.

DSC_0208..why am I crying so hard right now? I am so confused..

She would have been such a athlete .. a swimmer I think.. She loved it and had such a natural talent for it.

a winner. ..    why is that ripping me apart right now?

..because I couldn’t help her win this “battle” such crap she never stood a chance…because I will never get to see her feel that rush of victory and pride that comes with such hard work??. ..

I don’t know .. none of that seems to fit.

 

 

IMG_4637I found out tonight its happening in baseball too.. A kid (I am so old!) in college that plays for University of Washington IMG_1439and is doing really really well wrote JLK on his cap. Wearing it in his interviews too, she loved being in front of the camera for me, never got to do it big time before..JLK with Nicholas..showing her love of being filmed This is right up her alley.. t-ball was not her sport, but she loved being on a team and having people come out to support her. He is a friend of my nephew and godson, who is also Jennifer’s godfather.. This player isn’t doing it for me.. its for her godfather, she loved him so much and he loves her so much …it impacts those around him.. . The same impact meeting Jennifer seemed to have on people.. I guess we chose wisely.

is it because I lost??

Since I am letting all the crazy out I might as well go all the way. I have never met a obstacle I couldn’t overcome.. Never. Deep down I think  I can change things..

i can bring her back..

i can find a way to make this not real.

I know in my head I can’t.. well I don’t even know if its my head..but some pieces of me truly know it.. But there are some that have yet to catch up with that fact. Probably not even a lot of me.. but the deepest. truest. core of me thinks I can fix this.. I have to be able to.

I have always thought it. I tried to ready myself for it… but I truly believed she would be the first to survive. I would find a way.

I didn’t write last night.. I was busy holding my husband while he cried.. That is a truly helpless feeling.. This wonderful, strong man

decimated.

There bond was so strong. So unique. His first child. The one who made him a Daddy. So completely “Daddy’s little girl”.. as he was also” little girl’s Daddy”. DSC_0364

We made yesterday a good day though.. no excuses this time when they asked for the bubble machine.. Just lots of bubbles.   Jonathan was playing with his cousin at the park, so just Nicholas and Charlotte.. at one point completely surrounded by bubbles Nicholas looked at me and then up.. so happy..so excited for her the way he has been lately whenever he talks about her.

DSC_0042“bubbles flying up to heaven”

He has such joy when he talks about it.. and about her. His struggle seems to more be focused on us hurting.. me, Tony and Jonathan. I wish I could see what I think he does.. experience her the way he says he is.

He saw a gold ribbon today and said it was Jennifer. It bothered me to think that he DSC_0335honestly connects his big sister.. the one that held him.. changed his diaper.. put on his shoes.. to an awareness ribbon. Tony took it to hope it might inspire him to be the one to find the cure.. to inspire the change that needs to happen. I let it inspire me. If thats a part of who she is to him now. ..

DSC_0312

a gold ribbon…pediatric cancer..

Then it will be fuel to my fire to make a difference..  to spread the glitter.. person by person.. for her and for a piece of who she is to him.

Looking back on that moment now I also see how content he was seeing it and calling it Jennifer. Stark contrast to Jonathan who sternly corrected him. I did use that interaction to try to continue the conversation with Jonathan  explaining the non-profit.. what we are trying to accomplish and how it changes the landscape of our lives. .. Its a lot to absorb so its taking some time.

I want to try and follow my 2 yr old Nicholas’ lead a little… I think I will never have the joy in it for her like he does. . I am just too selfish to put her happiness, her being pain free above my own heart break. But maybe I can just watch it through him.. and really trust..

she is ok.

here.

happy.

winning.

Picture 340

29 Responses to “winning”

  1. So sorry Libby. I wish I could ease your pain, but I can’t. The tribute to JLK from the Washington player was so very special. He is a great young man and very close to your nephew and godson and Jennifer’s godfather. It was out of love for JLK and your godson that he did this. We all want to support you, Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas and Baby Charlotte. I wear my love4JLK ring every day. It reminds me of our beautiful Glitter Girl. Sending lots of love, hugs and prayers every day. We love all 6 of you. <:

  2. His happiness is genuine because she is beside him, cheering him on. We are here beside you, cheering you on. The non profit will do great things because there are great people putting it together to honor a great little girl. Continuing to love and support and pray. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  3. Oh sweet Libby, I so understand this post. I am not going to even begin to say that I understand the pain and agony your whole family is dealing with…but this post, I understand.
    Please know, as much as I think you are strong and going to do great things in Jennifer’s honor…please know, I truly WISH I this blog didn’t exist, because it would mean you were never dealt this unfair, cruel hand. I wish you and all your kids were just another nice family that I would never know. I wish you were just another stranger I would never give a thought about…not a stranger I have shed tears for and thought about late into the night.
    No honor or bracelet or trip or fundraiser could ever even be close, I think we all deeply know that. We write things to you, hoping you know people care…but also knowing our words are so small and useless and meaningless in the face of a loss so, so great.

    Losing her was so wrong, it was the universe turning upside down upon itself…hold on to whatever it takes, even the irrational…for you have just been through the unthinkable. How can anything in your life make sense right now?

    I will continue to hope and pray the world is kind and generous to your sweet little family, and peace comes to your broken heart.

  4. Libby, your strength is amazing to me. I read the depth of your grief and I wonder how you go on at all. Know that every day, I say yes to my daughter because of JLK. I am more present with her as much as I can possibly be. JLK did that.

    I also wanted to put you in touch with the Sauers. They lost their five year old son Ben on May 14th to a brain tumor. He was a twin and older brother to a little sister, with another baby on the way.

    The mom’s blog is here: http://bensauer.blogspot.com/

    I thought it might be of some comfort to you to see how she is finding God through this process and how her belief in heaven comforts her.

    Love to your entire family.

    Melissa

  5. The victory is in people, the strength to win is there but the connection to something deeper, to Jennifer, inspires that strength. She is a gift you never should have had to give. No judgement here AT ALL.

  6. I truly wish I could take all your pain away. I wish with all my heart Jennifer was here. We love you all so much Libby. All 6 of you ♡

  7. My ‘pink is for girls’ fireman husband proudly wears his JLK bracelet. He hasn’t taken it off since he put it on.

    we’re thinking of you all everyday; sending you love, strength and prayers. her glitter is everywhere <3

  8. My ‘pink is for girls’ firefighter husband proudly wears his JLK bracelet everyday. He has never taken it off.

    We’re thinking of you all everyday; sending love, prayers and strength. her glitter is everywhere <3

  9. Beautiful post. Your words always touch my heart. Even on the days my heart just breaks for you I’m always so inspired by your honesty and realness. Still praying for you and your family, especially for her to be able to show you everyday in some way, how close by your side she is<3.

  10. I am glad that you did post this blog. I am glad that you did not end up hitting erase and then not post it. I don’t think any of us would judge you. I like, so many others, think of you and your family daily. I never feel I have the right words to say and I would hate to say something wrong, so I often don’t comment. But you and your family are always in my prayers and my thoughts.

  11. Jennifer couldn’t “win” this ugly battle, called Cancer. It sucks that it was too big of a fight for her. But her tumor and your determination and generosity is help spreading the glitter and unraveling pediatric cancer. I truly believe that Jennifer and you will be a part of “winning”…you two will be a big part in finding a cure.
    Sending hugs to you all. xxoo

  12. Libby, I lost my dad a few years ago and this idea that he is here and finds ways to let me know is very real. My sister and I often say “that was so Dad.” Its something we share and it gives our kids a chance to know him on some level too. It keeps him alive in our hearts and keeps us connected.
    I was at the event yesterday, and you are right. There was a love and an energy and a connection that was undeniable. Jennifer was there. I believe.

  13. Never a dry eye after reading your blogs. My heart breaks for you and your family. I believe children can see spirits and your daughter is here and all around you. You’re already changing lives and making this world a little better. Please don’t ever think you’re crazy or hold back your thoughts when writing. Let it all out!!! Sending you lots of love!!!

  14. Our dear friend is the head coach of University of Washington, I’ll be watching the game at noon today and looking for the JLK cap. So Amazing. I’m glad that Nicholas is so content, trust him and know that she’s all around you. Protecting you. Loving you. Sending lots of love to all six of you.
    XO

  15. I posted earlier, but wanted to say that I received my new Love4JLK t-shirt in the mail today! They are very, very nice and super soft. I’ll be ordering more to spread the love<3

  16. I read this post and then backtracked. You warned of crazy. Well, I thought, where is the crazy? Did I miss it? There? There? Nope.

    I saw nothing crazy, nothing self absorbed. I’m not saying this in a lame attempt to make you feel better. It’s truly, honestly my reaction.

  17. you are not at all crazy libby you are a mother! that is what a mother thunks we all are different and take things in different ways, jennifer is a winner! she won everyones heart!! she won my heart over and she won her way into heaven!

  18. Speechless…. A truly beautiful post…. Thanks 4 sharing your JLK ….. She’s so tiny…. And so powerful… She’s a winner!!! In some ways we can’t comprehend… she is making a huge impact …. Thanks again lots of xxxxxx from far away

  19. There are days I read and not write because I am so sad and heart broken to read how much pain you are in. I have nothing that I could say that would ease your pain so I just read. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers for comfort and strength to you and Tony. Jennifer is always there and knows your love for her.

  20. I feel the same way…..for my son’s make a wish, he wished for a jacuzzi. What made it extra heart wrenching was he wanted it for me, his momma…..because he said I worked so hard taking care of everyone….he wanted a place for me to relax…..The whole first year, it made me sick to sit in it, I did not enjoy it at all, but my kids loved it, so I had to go in with them….I put on a mask and tried not to steal my children’s joy….but it would tear me up inside. Here I have this nice thing that maybe many people wish for….but I’d rather not have it…I don’t care about any things I have, I just want my son back. I’d give it all…..

  21. Libby,

    I just had to say thst it seems to me that everything in this post is totally understandable. I can’t think anyone would think otherwise. It’s ok to be “selfish”. That word, to me, doesn’t always have a negative connotation. You must take care of yourself, so you are able to take care of your family.

    Just a loving opinion from a stranger. Be kind to yourself.

    Sending much peace and love, as always.

  22. At least you have had the courage to type and erase. I have been wanting to type for days but couldn’t. I have always felt the same. Never an obstacle I couldn’t overcome…well not this year. Shits gone sideways. You are not crazy. You have been dealt an unimaginable hand. There are others who feel your pain, we cannot compare…and there is no comparison or judging. But know we cry, we wish for peace, we go along day by day hoping for that small positive anything better, because it is what we can do. We can win the day. Because in the end it is that small win we will take. Keep winning Libby.

    Wishing the small win in each day for you and your family.

  23. My heart hurts for you. Please don’t ever feel afraid to say anything you want to for fear of being thought crazy or being judged. There is nothing crazy or selfish in anything you write ever. You are awe inspiring to me. I believe your feelings about Jennifer being with her supporters and loved ones are correct. She is with you and she is so so so proud of you

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *