grieving and parenting Archives - Unravel Pediatric CancerUnravel Pediatric Cancer

the pendulum swings..

February 16, 2018Unravel Pediatric Cancer12th, burying a child, child loss, childhood cancer, DIPG, latest postanger at child loss, child loss, DIPG, grieving after 4 years, grieving and parenting, grieving couple, grieving dad, how couples grieve differently, how to grieve successfully, surviving pediatric cancer5 Comments

4 years. When you become a parent time becomes so flexible.. You can look at your 4 year old and feel like they are still so little.. yet be completely unable to remember life without them.. My guess is that never changes?? I think that maybe even my Mom looks at me like that.. However, I do know my grief is just like that.. I cannot believe its been 4 years.. the pain is still so raw and so fresh.. especially right now that I find myself wondering if I can really survive this for the rest of my life.. and.. I cannot believe its only been 4 years. I forget what it was like to parent a healthy.. living, breathing Jennifer. I hate that. I hate not only that its my truth but I hate giving that part of my pain life.. That part that feels like I can’t[…]

find me again..

February 9, 2018Unravel Pediatric Cancerburying a child, childhood cancer, DIPG, signs from heaven6 year old sibling loss, 8 year old sibling loss, bay area childhood cancer, child death, child loss, connecting after loss, connecting with a dead child, DIPG, explaining child death to a child, grieving and parenting, parenting after child loss, sibling loss, signs from dead child10 Comments

Sometimes we resist what we know.. this blog is really just a continuation of this one.. And sometimes urges and pushes are so strong we cannot ignore them.. I pulled the boys out of school and took them on a mommy and boys date to the movies. Coco. None of us had seen it… it was only in one theatre 40 mins away.. But I had this strong urge.. we were meant to go. The 3 of us had the entire place to ourselves. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.. Until the final scene.. when my deepest hope for what its like for me and Jennifer now was on screen. The movie ended and we left the theatre and went on the hunt for something to eat at the mall.. We talked as we walked .. in the best boy talking way.. moving and not[…]

mom struggles

November 11, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, grieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, holidays, latest post, no into yes, will it matter in a monthbereaved parent, bereaved parents, bereaved sibling, changed mommy, child death, child loss, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, DIPG, grieving and parenting, halloween, holidays after child loss, parenting after child loss, parenting and grief, relationship with dead child, remembering dead child, sibling loss and halloween, signs, signs from dead child, signs from heaven6 Comments

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy. And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

juggling

August 11, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, latest postbereaved parent, bereaved parents, bereaved sibling, child hospice, child loss, childhood cancer, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, grieving and parenting, growing up with parents grieving., jonathan struggles, nicholas grief, nicholas struggles, parenting after child loss, sibling grief, sibling loss6 Comments

I always wanted to be a mom and I knew that I wanted a big family. It’s why I worked in day cares and summer camps and then became a teacher. To practice what I knew my lifes work was supposed to be.. I was always confident in my ability to juggle and thrive as a mom to bigger sized clan Then came infertility.. and miscarriage after miscarriage.. and then all I wanted to be was a mom. Just a chance to grab that golden ring .. Jennifer gave me that. If you ever asked her she would say Oct 28th 2007 we went from Tony and Libby to Mommy and Daddy. She gave us that. And it can never ever be taken away. I am so grateful she got to give us those titles. And I truly believe God knew I needed her first before he gave me the[…]

growing up with grief..

June 20, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, grieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, latest post, Our Story, sibling loss4 year old grief, 4 year old sibling loss, bereaved parent, bereaved parents, bereaved sibling, child death, child loss, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, grieving and parenting, helping a bereaved family, nicholas, parenting after child loss, parenting through grief, remembering dead child7 Comments

Grief has a place in our family.. at our table. Its kinda like a sibling to them.. One that grows and changes right along with them. Parenting a child through grief is something I never really imagined myself having to do. And most of the time I don’t feel well equipped to do it. Its much harder than I thought it would be. I am so grateful I am not alone in doing it though.. I feel so deeply for parents that lose their spouse and have to face this alone. .. Right now its Nicholas. His struggles are deep and loud and real. The disappointment he felt flipping through the most recent yearbook and realizing his sister wouldn’t be in it.. The look of settled in disappointment in his eyes. It was unnerving and unnatural to see that in a boy of his age. I ached for him. I[…]

maybe the kids have it right..

May 19, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, holidays, latest post5 kids, bereaved mom, child loss, fathers day and child loss, grieving and parenting, living children, parenting after child loss, parenting through grief, she should be 8, sibling loss, surviving siblings8 Comments

Maybe Jennifer is painting the sky pink for us right now. I wish she was with us. Just here in the car right now. Im going to blow these bubbles up to heaven. Sissy can pop them. Can I sleep in here? I dreamt about Jennifer. I miss her and I am scared. Constant. My missing of her is a constant living part of me. And it is part of my kids too. Those are the comments I have heard in just the past few days. Just sudden and randomly they share, I have them too.. I just don’t share mine. To protect them.. or whoever I am with. I keep those thoughts silent. To not let it seem like my life is overtaken by the one I can’t touch anymore. My kids though have the freedom to give those thoughts and wishes and hopes a voice. They don’t have[…]

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