Tag: god

rear view mirror

I don’t want to write tonight.. I don’t want to go there.. here. To remember where I was 4 months ago tonight. Steeling myself for the something so strong .. it dissolves steel. It started to hit this morning.. driving to a friends house I cried silent.. tears… but since then I have run from the truth that haunts me .. I cried angry tears and sad tears.. Relay for life is soon to happen in my town. Driving I saw the purple ribbons everywhere.. I wish I had no connection to it…I wish it didn’t impact me like it does. It made me feel stupid looking at them. . How I had been tricked into thinking that the money raised was for all cancers.. pediatric and adult when in reality it is unproprtionaly split towards adult cancer. 1 cent of every dollar goes towards pediatrics (PAC2) A worthy organization[…]

happiness

We all miss her. At different times in different ways.. but there is a constant current ..i miss her… flowing through our household. Yesterday i saw the first offering from baby Charlotte in Jennifer’s room. One of her lovies. 4th kid I finally got smart and bought a bunch of the blanket animal she was becoming attached to. I found one on the floor of Jennifer’s room.. at the foot of her bed… right where the boys leave there things for her. I leave the stuff there for a few days and then put it away. Nobody complains and they all seem to respect each other.. so far only one offering at at time.. I walk by her room many many times during a day. I don’t go in it often. If I am writing something I will be sharing publicly I always do it in there.. not my blog[…]

script

My kids love going out to get the mail.. and now they love getting to open it. Today we got our memberships to Happy Hollow.. a semi local, preschool aged theme park. I excitedly opened it… pulled out the cards and rolled my eyes at one missing.. till the truth knocked me back. It wasn’t a membership card that is missing.. it’s my child. Moments like that are sometimes the worst… the ones that surprise me seem to leave the biggest scars. scars of her life..scars of my love for her. I shoved the papers back in the envelope and there they sit. Normally I would be putting them directly into my wallet to be ready… But now they are a scar.. every time I look at them I will remember that moment.. that snuck up on me.. tapped me on the shoulder… and knocked me to the ground. We[…]

Angry

Today was hard. Will I ever not feel that way? So much of today was spent talking with nurses, pharmacists, and thankfully our great docs. Her oncologist from Stanford cried with me today. I don’t do that. I am a private crier. I have a need for Jennifer to eat, at least one more time. She might regain some of what she lost. She is hungry, but scared to eat. So tomorrow we start fresh to try to get on top of this awful vomiting and nausea. I hope to get her to eat. At least with this new plan I’ll know I did everything and didn’t just–this isn’t the right word– “quit.” She hates meds by mouth. Always has. So tomorrow we try a new path. I know it’s only been a day, but when time is this limited, when a tumor is this hungry and fierce, a day[…]