will she

5 months. 5 months. 5 months.

..no .. please ..

Once the clock strikes midnight I can no longer say 4 months.. it becomes a whole month more..

Today was a good day. We walked to the library , first time we have been there since last summer…I planned to go once she was in school.. but never got around to it. We packed a picnic and ate behind the building. . .  Jonathan remembered from 2 Halloweens ago.. when he had just turned 3 that we went trick or treating there in a nearby building with her preschool class. I try to placate myself with the thought that they won’t remember this time.. but then he pulls something like that.. A strong memory from when he was so much younger.. and I worry.

I try to do things she would have liked these days. These days I am suffering inside without her.. I try to do things she would have liked to have done. .. like a surprise picnic behind the library.

My girl loved creative eating.. eating outside with her brothers. . or in the room she used to share with Jonathan.. that now my boys sleep together in, using her dress up chest as their table..even cereal in a giant cardboard box…This girl of mine loved to find new ways to do the mundane.. to make life just a little bit fancier.

 

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I was a good mom today. Lots of moments of pause before reacting.. because its often just that moment that gives me the space to deal with things properly. My heart gave her a silent thank you this afternoon .. for the gift of pause.. of taking a moment. ..

We watched some shows together and I tried to do all of my “work”. Then suddenly I started to break apart. I stood in the kitchen and felt like the room was spinning around me. I considered texting a friend to say come get them.. I am on the brink and I need to fall over the edge.. come get my kids. ..

Tony’s annual work bocce ball party was tonight .. so I couldn’t. He called. I was supposed to  be ready and have the kids ready. He IMG_2528heard it in my voice though.. he knew.. and he took a moment before reacting.. and gave me grace.

I sobbed  in the shower .. I cried on the way there. . I choked on my pain when we pulled into the parking lot. 1 year ago we were there.. she was there.  She had so much fun running around. Daddy’s little girl.

The boys immediately went up to the bar and Jonathan sat in the same stool his big sister did not so long ago.. but somehow a whole lifetime ago..

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Then 6 months ago we had her celebratory bowling party in the same building. I did my very best to avoid the end of the building that had the door that lead to the arcade .. Part of me wanted to walk over there .. and just remember.  Not the right time though. At times I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

I watched my boys. Proud beyond belief of the way they behaved tonight. Some of what I have wanted from them.. that I thought was lost when we lost her is coming back.. And tonight part of me hated it.

Part of me doesn’t want them to be growing without her.

They make me proud .. these incredible creatures we are lucky enough to still be raising. If I didn’t know better I would look at us and think we were doing a really good job.. but I can’t help but wonder..

**how JLK does the library**
**how JLK does the library**

If we are then why was one taken from us?

Walking home from the library, pushing my 3 still living in the stroller,  my thoughts wandered to meeting her again.

Will she be 6 still?

Will she have grown and aged in my absence?

Will she greet me and say “Mama its ME”

I thought about popular she will already be.. how many people she will already know. How she will be so much smarter than me.. how I know she already is.

I love her so much. how is she really gone.. never to touch again. ..

I dropped Tony off at his friends for poker and the boys at my parents for a sleep over treat .. a cousin will be there tomorrow morning. I know I stuffed it tonight.. and I need the space to come undone. Then Charlotte and I drove and listened to music.

Before we left our house this evening I stopped in her room.. just to tell her I love her and we will be home soon. I so often feel like I am leaving her behind when we go places.. do things without her.

..because she should still be here..

and I am just simply sad.

5 months ago.. that noise.. the rattle in her breathing… everybody had already come to say there goodbyes. Just me and my first born.

In my arms. I thought she was waiting for me to sleep. So I did. She deserved me to give her what she needed to let go. I slept for about 45 minutes. I awoke to that noise…she was still here.

She allowed me to bear witness to her leaving this world as I did when she came into this world.

I just want to curl into a ball and lay on her grave..

but she isn’t buried yet.

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32 Responses to “will she”

  1. I read these blogs and all I can think is how wrong and unfair all of this is and how your sweet girl should still be there with you. All I can hope is that you feel her with you tonight for the tiniest bit of comfort. Thinking of you and your family every day.

  2. Thinking of you all tonight. I hope you can feel her there with you. Reading and rereading so I can feel her too, or at least know her better. I wish I could have hugged her! ❤️

  3. Still reading… still hurting for all of you… my thoughts for all of you and prayers never end and are a daily occurrence.

  4. This picture really hits me… I see the soul of an angel who is momentarily sad because she knows her work here is almost complete. Your parenting is “why” she chose you, not why one “was taken from you.”

  5. You parent better in one day than I do in one week! You are doing right by your kiddos. Never doubt that.
    I agree with what deedee says…your parenting is exactly why you were chosen. You were chosen by God to give that sweet girl 6 glorious years. The love that comes through every sentence is amazing. You all LOVE (worship) her and it a beautiful thing to witness.
    I pray today gives you a bit of grace. Thinking & praying for all 6 of you.

  6. Im so sorry Libby. I dreamt about her last night. I dreamt about all of you. It felt so real. I cry for you and with you. I wish she was here. All my love and prayers to you today and everyday. LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER6

  7. Thinking of u Libby! I really hope you can feel her today and that she gives you signs. I praying for you, all 6 of you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  8. My “baby” turns 30 today and I try and put myself in your place and it’s just to painful to imagine. I am so sorry you have to go through this torture. From the moment my daughter Kelly told me about Jennifer, I asked God why this was happening to her and her family. I have not gotten any answers. I am pretty pissed most of the time, it’s just so unfair. My faith has been very much tested through this. I am so mad at God, but I truly believe in you will see Jennifer again.
    I think of your family every day. Love and blessings to all of you.

  9. Jennifer is remembered and talked about in our family every single day. I will never look at glitter again without thinking of her. So much love to all of you!

  10. My family and I live in the sacramento area but are staying the weekend in Gilroy for my sons lacrosse tournament. Your family of 6 has been on my mind a lot this morning due to the close proximity.
    Sending many prayers your way.

  11. Today, my daughter Eva, myself and my husband will be doing a balloon release in memory of your beautiful Jennifer as we have been since… We love you all Kranz family. We love you Jennifer. Keep spreading your glitter sweet girl! ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  12. I have followed your blog for about 7 months now, though I have never met your family before. I think about Jennifer all the time…she comes to my mind very frequently. As a mother, I can not fathom the pain you are going through. I just want you to know that your family is in my prayers and thoughts constantly, and I will absolutely never, ever forget JLK. You are a wonderful mother, in spite of the fact that you have had so much ripped away from your being. I know it is not the same, but I lost my mother last September…she was my lifelong best friend, the only person that knew my dark secrets, my secret loves and fears…when she died, I honestly thought the world would end and the sky turn black. I still think that some days. I have a very hard time “dealing” with her death. Somehow, your blog says things to me that my mind can not tell itself. The longing for someone who is gone from this Earth and now resides in Heaven. You speak words that my mind can not think of by itself, and in some ways, your blog helps me grieve my own loss. Thank you for sharing your struggles, your pain, your joy…everything. God bless you Libby.

  13. The gift of pause is an amazing gift. So is your Jennifer. Thinking about all 6 of you today and always. Sending tons of love & hugs.
    XO

  14. Every 12th is so hard and always will be another month without her. 🙁 I’m sorry. Your always a good mom…she loves you Libby…she misses you too. One day you will reunite with Jennifer whether she is 6 or she got older …you will get that day. Thinking of you and still praying. Always and forever JLK will be remembered ♡♡♡

  15. So fucking unfair. I hurt hard for all of you and I pray as hard as I can. I pray for comfort, for peace, for you to feel Jennifer. I will keep praying every day for the rest of my life. Much love

  16. Been thinking of you all day. Just like everyday. I love you so much Lib. So much and we all miss Jennifer so so so much. It’s not fair and I know there is nothing I can really do…but I do know that I can tell you how much Jennifer means to us and how much we love you guys. And that we will always be right alongside you guys fighting. And remembering her. And honoring her. She is a forever best friend. Like her mama…a best friend to many. We love you all.

  17. God. I cannot possibly imagine the pain you feel. I read your blog faithfully, & it tears me apart Everytime. Your Jennifer is a huge part of my life now, I think about her & you often. You are stronger than I could
    Ever be. Just remember how many hearts she has
    Touched. I pray for you Libby. That you find comfort. & that you hold on to the memories forever. I’m so so sorry. No one should ever lose a child. Love being sent your way.

  18. I cry thinking of that one sweet day when she will say “Mama its ME.” You will then know how awesome you are doing and how loved she is. Hugs to you all 6 of you!

  19. What a gift we could all use in the mothering trenches, the gift of pause. I think for JLK in heaven, this whole span of time is but a brief pause before she sees you again. Hugs to you today!

  20. The gift of pause…yes, that is powerful. I hope when you reunite with JLK in heaven that you both rejoice…like time never passed. I think she will be 6 for you, for her mommy.

    Prayers.

  21. I could tell you were struggling with memories that night. I don’t make it over here very often, but I still pray for you and Tony and the other kids. God loves you and He loves Jennifer and He loves Tony and the boys and Charlotte so much He blessed them with you. I pay for His comfort for you today and every day.

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