because of her

Another 12th.. experienced and gone.. Much like my daughter.

The 12th is so bittersweet for me. Its a day to truly go back.. remember and reconnect .. to feel the overwhelming sadness over her being gone for another milestone in time somehow thats a good thing for me.. but then the ache that the distance is ever-growing between us.

We got up yesterday and I asked Tony to take us, me and baby Charlotte and our memories to the beach. We went for breakfast and walked on the beach together. I cried a little .. off and on.. We talked a little off and on.. We bought a ton of candy.

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It was good. It was exactly what we needed.. time together as a couple. Our concentration being on each other.. not a non-profit.. not raising awareness. .. just each other.

Husband and wife.. grieving mom and dad.

On the drive home I told him a part of me could stay like this.. just him driving us all day long. He said he could turn around and we could drive along the beach to wherever I wanted to go..My only thought was..

Can you drive me to her?

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Charlotte went down for a nap and I laid in our bed. I clung to her pinkie bear..I sobbed tears coming with such force my body is sore today. My grief using muscles I didn’t know could be used for that purpose. I cried to Tony that I couldn’t remember her voice.. so he brought it to me.. we heard her sweet voice. we released our sorrow together.. Then I slept. That one hour felt like 5 seconds.. but was refreshing..

…I so hope thats how heaven is for her…

I woke numb… completely emptied. For 5 hours or so I was ok. so blissfully numbed again. It was like my brain stepped in and said this is too much and shut it down. Til right before bed. .. 11:30 at night.. almost the end another 12th and I remembered the first one.  When I tried so desperately to stay up past midnight (I failed) I knew then it would be the last day I could ever say I touched her..

As horrific as it may have been I would love to return to that day.. My family around us.. remnants of her still on me. I still have the shirt I wore.. one of our pink Love4JLK ones..in a ziploc baggie. Some of her still on it..I remember how hard it was to simply take that shirt off.

I’m wearing one of those today. Love4jlk. Its come to mean something..to be something.. Although we are not naming the non-pofit after her perhaps I will keep the blog name as love4jlk. .. it will forever be the undercurrent to our lives. .. to my writing..

love for JLK

We picked up the boys and took them out for our usual “cold yogurt”. A tradition on these 12th milestones that is my way of doing something she loved FOR them and BECAUSE of her.

Today we did the same thing. We set up the water slide we bought right after Charlotte was born. Truly we bought it for her because we knew she would love it. I am so thankful for those times we did things for her.. that we lived in the moment instead of always saying.. next year as was our usual. That we had such fun while she was here.. before we knew she was sick. We took it out and spent all day on it

…for them..

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..because of her..

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…until there is a cure…

28 Responses to “because of her”

  1. Until there is a cure…I will keep praying for that! In the meantime, thank you sharing your joy and sorrow. Hugs…

  2. Love4JLK is so perfect its truly how I feel a deep love for her, she is just so beautiful, I pray through out the day for you Libby and Tony and you children, living in Gilroy I feel her at times, I can’t explain it, some of your pictures of Jennifer and the boys and Charlotte at different places around town I have the same pictures of my granddaughter, going into each time I think of her sometimes with a smile other times with tears, I wish I could just hold and hug you and take some of the pain away

  3. Oh Libby I’m so sorry. Thought of all 6 of you all day yesterday. Praying for JLK to send you a sign that she is free of pain and happy in heaven. I bet it does smell like watermelon just for her. Always sending lots of love and prayers for all 6 of you. JLK will NEVER be forgotten. She touched so many hearts around the world. She will ALWAYS be a part of me. Every time I hear Brave I think of Jennifer with tears flowing. Love all 6 of you. Hugs.

  4. Aw sweetie. So glad you have taken steps to remember Jennifer on the twelfth. I mean not that you wouldn’t but just concrete steps to honor her. I wish so much that a wish would change things. Your children are beautiful … All of them !

  5. oh libby, i thought of you throughout the weekend…you are such a great mom, you both such amazing parents, to honor jennifer in such a special way. I am sure she was with you and is so proud of her loving family…praying for her to continue to send you signs that she is always with you. hugs to you xo

  6. Thought of you all often on Saturday and definitely said some prayers. Until there is a cure…. and even after, if it happens in my lifetime, I will remember JLK, the girl I never met but whose story opened my eyes to the fight against childhood cancer. The one who made me care and get involved.

  7. First, as always, I am thinking of you and did also on the 12th.

    I am remembering the blog post that asked “are you still here”. Not that you were talking to any one of your supporters, but you were talking to her. We all answered that we were here and still are.

    As one of your un-known supporters, I would have expected me to have gone. Your story should have become one of the many tragedies that I read about daily. A terrible thing, but because you are not my immediate circle, something that happens to other people.

    So I ask myself why I am still connected and checking daily to see if you posted. Of course I am sympathetic and sad for your family. But why is this tragedy different for me than all the others? I’m not sure I have an answer, but it is worth exploring as you seek for ways to make a difference. I am wondering if the answer to that will help you find ways to connect with others and illicit the change that you need.

    On the one hand, I see through you that this can happen to ANYONE. It’s not just something that happens to others.

    Second, You have given me a personal connection where prior I didn’t have one. Yes, I don’t actually know you but I FEEL like I do. And it is scathingly unbelievable that this tragedy continues.

    I am sure there are other things, but I just had to get that out. I feel like it is a key to engaging with others.

  8. The six of you are never far from my mind. I keep you in my prayers and smile every time I see glitter. JLK has left a mark on my heart that won’t fade. Sending love to you.

  9. We love Jennifer so much Libby. We love all of you so much. Im so sorry you have to go through this. But you are not alone. Please know that we are here for you always. And Jennifer will never be forgotten. My daugjter and I released balloons in Jennifer’s memory on that day. And we will continue to do so every month. LOVE4JLK♡

  10. Living in the moment so much more now because of you….because of Jennifer. Together, you have both given me that gift. Thank you, LIbby. Still here…still praying ….still remembering JLK.

  11. ~Hugs~ You say that with every 12th, you feel the distance growing. I feel that you’re getting ever closer. God bless you all.

  12. I thought about you and your family a lot on the 12th and tried to send you as many well thoughts as I could muster.

    I will keep coming to read your words, Libby. For you, because of her. Love and light.

  13. love for JLK
    it means a lot!

    love for JLK
    it has made me more aware

    love for JLK
    it has made me a better mommy

    love for JLK
    love for JLK
    love for JLK

  14. Always thinking of you and your family! Still here, still listening, still following, still praying and hoping. You may have weak moments, but you are the strongest woman I “know”.

  15. Always proud to wear my LOVE4JLK shirt..you have such a gift in writing. Prayers for your family and for a cure.

  16. I don’t have a fb account but “Inhale”, “Wasn’t but is”, and “She is Missing”. Another was her Kinder graduation post.

  17. Libby, I think of Jennifer every day and today my eldest had a cookie in the bath and I smiled and thought of her and all your family. Part of Jennifer’s legacy is these small moments where I and lots of others are becoming better mothers. Thank you. Sending all 6 of you so much love from our family to yours xxxx

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