still brave

As yet another 12th comes closer I start to think about her death constantly. About what I was doing and feeling on February 9th. Remember with me.. 

That ring.. I remember that day. My friend coming to get it to try to save it for me.. How I hated having it off for a few hours.

I love it so much. Its more precious to me than any other piece of jewelry I have ever owned. There are a lot of memorial tattoos ideas I am marinating on.. But that ring marked on me forever is for sure happening.

I don’t often re-read my blogs. But I am glad I did with that one.. because it reminds me of who she was. The silly spunky way she would ask for the ring back. . and then give it to me over .. How happy she was to see me wearing it. How we talked about each bump being for the 5 loves of my life.. my kids and my husband. I was pregnant still with baby Charlotte when she gave it to me .

How perfect life was..

**classic JLK looking around Tony to see the tv**
**classic JLK looking around Tony to see the tv**

She would rub her fingers over it sometimes when we sat together. Oh how I miss that. just her touch. One day I will remember what it felt like. ..

I think about those final hours.. how I only knew something was wrong because tears rolled from her perfect and cruelly alert eyes.

She could move nothing but her eyes. The tumor stole everything from her before it finally stole her from us.13301536883_7779ab2986_o

She suffered. So much.

Tony and I differ on why she had tears.. we even differ on why we hope she had them. Grieving for the same perfectly imperfect creature.. we are so different.  But our love for her.. for each other.. its the exact same. Which means so is our desperate pain.

I hate that. I hate knowing how much he is hurting. Although I know infertility was hard for him.. hard for him to watch me miscarriage after miscarriage.. I think it was always harder on me. And I liked that. I liked knowing that he wasn’t in the same pain..

I am not alone in this agony over Jennifer.

We may deal with it differently.. we may even interpret moments differently.. but we are both just as destroyed. I started to type that we could never be more destroyed.. but thats not true I know it could always – always be worse..I am so cautious with my thoughts now.

When we knew she had cancer.. I write and talk about that a lot.. about nursing baby Charlotte to sleep .. cancer but no prognosis attached.. when Jennifer was still 5. I was rocking my baby to sleep and my thoughts were all about my eldest.

-confession-

***first night in the hospital**
***first night in the hospital**

I was scared but not terrified. I felt defiant. I felt strong. I felt almost special. Ready for this fight… I thought about how I was going to make sure she didn’t get too far behind in school. And that I was going to make sure people didn’t treat her differently.

.. and then my thoughts wandered as I nursed my baby in the dark. To Jennifer’s funeral. …

I fought it back.. screamed at myself from the inside. How dare I think that sort of thing. Because it wasn’t a real thought. ..but maybe thinking it would make it real.

Im sorry. I am so sorry I thought it..

It wasn’t like the thoughts I had later.. the ones I had trying to make my mind come to terms with the inevitable.. It was just my mind traveling on its own ..

I replay those minutes wasted in that chair that night that feels like forever ago… over and over again. I hope that admitting it in this forum can allow me to let it go..

I wish I never left her side those last 2 weeks. I wish I held her and talked to her the way I did in those last 36 hours. ..sharing every breath.

The whole beginning of the month is so hard for me.. as we creep closer to the 12th.. I relive it all.. Her pain. Her suffering.

I should have talked to her more about what was coming..

I hope she wasn’t scared. I want a do over.

after the 12th I want a life do over.. I want her back. Complete. whole. Healthy.

..but time barreling to the 12th.. to 5 months gone.. I just want a do over with her dying.

I want to do better preparing her and helping her die. I just want to get another chance to do right by my daughter. .. It just keeps getting harder and harder. The sorrow digging into me .. new depths of pain every month.. more memories laced with regrets..

5 months. That makes me sick to my stomach. I hate time growing from the feel of her heart under my hand.

 

We have a work event for Tony coming up. He was so proud last year to show us all off.. but especially her.. Especially his little girl with the same long lashes and contagious smile as he has..

had.

Losing her stole that smile…

both of those smiles.

CSC_0061

…are you trying hard baby girl?.. i turned on the music again tonight.. i don’t do it usually when i write… only when something compels me..

tonight all our songs. ..

i sit here and i try so hard to feel you.

trying not to move too much.. to be still and force myself to feel you again..

to feel your arms around me.

Something to let me know you are still here. i am so scared.

DSC_0506

oh God.. please help me. help me trust I will see her again..

help me believe she isn’t gone forever.

I’m trying . I felt so much those last hours.. I remember that I felt something so incredible in that room.. I can’t even remember what it felt like.. but I remember I felt it.

oh God please help me.. I am so scared…

———

And now this song.. so I do what I did at her services and I invite you to do the same…

this is My Jennifer..

Thank you.

thank you ..

DSC_0602..until there is a cure

48 Responses to “still brave”

  1. You DID do right by her, babe. It might not feel that way to you, but watching you go through it — you did it right.

  2. I remembered with you and watched 2 videos of her (this and the Easter one), both are beautiful memories.

    You did well with her, really well… to your best knowledge as a good parent. Don’t blame yourself for anything please. There is always a different way for doing things, but you never know which one is better and if it is better at all. You did your best and that’s all what counts!
    I’ll pray God helps you keep your faith and belief and sends you sings.

  3. You and Jennifer are the two bravest girls.
    You are amazingly strong Libby.
    Prayers and thoughts for you both..

  4. There is no right or wrong…you did everything out of love, and that is all that matters.

    Beautiful, brave, awesome Jennifer.

  5. I love that JLK video. I actually watch it often. I’ll keep praying for you Libby! I’ll keep praying for the Lord to keep your faith strong. You are one of the strongest people I know. You did right by JLK. You really did. It may not seem like it but I know you did.
    xoxoxoxo

  6. My daughter is in camp with your two boys this week……On Wednesday, at pickup I parked behind your car. As I placed my child in her car seat, she noticed the writing on the back window and asked what it said. I told her that it was about the little girl that I read about on my computer. (She immediately knew what I meant since she often catches me with tears in my eyes as I read your blog) She asked why the car was at camp. I told her that the little girl’s brothers were at camp with her. After she correctly identified them, she then said that your two boys play well and are nice to her.

    I did not continue the conversation with her…..but in my head I thought that, of course, your boys knew how to play well with others…….Jennifer taught them. I believe that Jennifer is like a pebble thrown into a pond, as the water rings expand around where the pebble landed, it has a widening effect. Thus, really never going away and never forgotten.

  7. You did right by her. You did right. She was a brave brave amazing little girl. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I will never ever forget her and her beautiful smile. We love her, we love you all ♡♡♡♡♡♡ LOVE4JLK ♡

  8. I believe she is trying. You being compelled to turn on the radio, and then all of your songs coming on? I can’t believe it is anything BUT her. She’s with you. You are brave, she was brave. Keep being brave for her and keep writing your truths. It is and will make a difference. How can a special little girl like her not? ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  9. I watched again, I danced again, and I cried again. As I do often. I am with you and Jennifer and everyone. You are an amazing mother and wife, full of love and emotions. She’s trying hard and she’s watching you and Tony and her siblings. HUGS

  10. I so wish I could give you what you want and need, but I know you will see her again. I know when you do she will thank you for being the best Mommy and doing everything you could for her. Sending hugs and thinking of all 6 of you daily. #love4jlk

  11. Such a beautiful sweet angel. Her laugh is contagious:). Prayers for angel hugs and kisses Libby…YOU are so very brave.

  12. You are amazing and brave! She took after you and you can see it in your words, your work, your everything. She will forever live threw you and Tony. She will forever shine threw her siblings and forever be their guiding angel. This video gets me every time…I want to laugh when I see her laughing then I cry because I wish I never had to known her in your blogs. Not because she isnt amazing but because her fight is the reason, and that breaks my heart for all of you and me. I feel like I am rambling and so just know that I think of her and you daily. I pray for your family daily and I pray you feel her soon…hugs

  13. You are an amazing woman and mother Libby. You did right by Jennifer. You raised such an incredibly brave, strong, and amazing girl. We will never forget JLK.

  14. I never know what to say, it doesn’t matter because anything I could say would only be a drop in the bucket of what is needed for you to survive this. What I do hope helps a little is the knowledge that so many people continually lift you up in thought and prayer, so many people remembering your daughter and honoring her memory by spreading the glitter, so many lives touched that will never be the same, so many people who are inspired by your families bravery to face this raw grief left in the wake of her being stolen from this world. <3

  15. Oh Libby…we will all listen and cry with you. We will all be here to remember Jennifer. We will all be here to pray for peace in your heart and in your mind. We will all be here to pray for strength and understanding. We will all be here to let you know that we are afraid for your pain and suffering while you search and pray for answers. Sometimes the answers we are searching for aren’t the answers we get. Trust that God is listening…trust in Him that He WILL help you. There must be more to do; more to feel; more to question; more battles to fight. You are amazing and I thank God for bringing you and your family into my life. I feel so selfish right now knowing that you are suffering from your loss and I am joyful in my love for you and Jennifer. I pray for the day when you can feel some joy in your heart and soul again. I many times question, “Does Heavenly Father REALLY not give us more than we can handle?” I must trust in Him. I pray that you can find the same trust to lighten your pain. Hugs….

  16. Just have to say that I feel Jennifer doesn’t feel you need a do-over with her as she knows you did everything, every single thing, right as it was the absolute best you could do. She had so much love and she knew it! Still sending prayers and wishes for peace for all the family!

  17. She’s so beautiful…and you’re a beautiful mom. You did it right, Libby. I know it doesn’t feel that way looking back…but she knows you did it right. I hope one day you’ll believe it too.

  18. you raised such a wise, kind child and I know you did everything you could to make it right for her. She knows as well. love you guys….

  19. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. How many of lifes moments do we look back at and think that we could have done better, tried harder or made the perfect decision. It is just not possible. It is/was no different for you. And like most of us humans on this imperfect planet our instinct is to chastise ourselves for the things we think we did wrong. Reality is, that unless you are a saint among us, you did your best. There is no way that Jennifer would think otherwise. And maybe you can take back that fragment of peace knowing that only you were trusted with this child of God, to lead her on her journey back to him, as awfully destroyed as that outcome leaves your grieving heart on this earth.

  20. Jennifer’s name is going to be on a luminaria on Saturday at the Campbell Relay for Life. I am wearing her shirt both hours of the walk I am doing as part of my son’s school team, Team EDS. She will be there, Libby, just like she is always with us.

  21. Libby what a beautiful video of your children . U are and will always be jennifer mommy. And u will see her again. She truly lived and loved her life with u all by her side. The video is amazing .love u and my prayers are with u.

  22. I have been following your blog for many months and each time I read a new entry my heart goes out to you and all the Krantz family, all the friends and people who were fortunate to have had Jennifer in their lives who now must find a way to live without her here…I feel such a loss and I never knew her, your loss must be so tremendous and I am so sorry. But your writing is such a gift to the world, such a gift to Jennifer too, that you are able let us know this beautiful child and your own beautiful heart even through all your grief and pain. Thank you for giving us this gift and for raising such an amazing girl as your Jennifer.

  23. libby-i’m sitting her reading you and crying and viewing the incredible video…i continue to read you and continue to say her name so often, i continue to want to just take all of you in my arms, take you into my home and feed you and bake for you and give you rest and make it somehow better for you and i wish so so hard i could take your pain away…. i wish she could come back… jennifer. jennifer. libby’s daughter. tony’s daughter… she is in my heart so deeply… huge hugs to you and your family…

  24. I pray for all 6 of you everyday after reading your words and seeing your beautiful pictures. My most fervent prayer is for God to help you see the signs and feel Jennifer’s presence. You are the very best Mama Jennifer could have asked for and you did right by her. Beautiful love like that will never cease, you are always connected. When I read your words about incredible feelings I pictured Angels guiding Jennifer Home. I wish it wasn’t this way, and it didn’t happen like this. Beautiful Jennifer is never far from my thoughts, and you all are always in my prayers. Hugs.

  25. Oh Libby, my heart aches, rips and breaks every blog I read. Jennifer Lynn Kranz, that amazingly brave girl of yours who has touched so many of our lives. You will see her again, please believe. Sending you so much love, so much

  26. Thank you for sharing your video and most of all sharing Jennifes life with us. Always in my heart love4jlk already family of 6..

  27. Jennifer is so beautiful….inside and out. Just like her family. You are all loved and always thought of.

  28. Lovely
    Thanks 4 sharing all JLK glittery essence
    Today I dance at work 4 her
    By her name
    We LOVE you JLK
    Lots of xxxxxx from far away

  29. Libby, I have been reading your blog since a little after Jennifer got diagnosed. I’ve lost someone close to me before – of course nothing can compare to this, not even close – but I understand your feeling of being scared that at some point, down the line, everyone will move on… that at some point, people should “expect” you to be over it.

    Please know that this isn’t true. I’ve never met your family, but I talk about Jennifer all the time. reading your blog today hits me as hard as it did a few months ago, and I can promise that won’t change.

    I’m in graduate school right now and I’ve wanted to pursue a career in pediatric oncology for a few years now, ever since I studied biology. Everywhere I’ve gone at my current university to attempt research collaborations in the field of pediatric oncology, I’ve found an utter lack of research being done in pediatric cancer despite the fact that this is one of the best pediatric cancer care centers in the country. “You can work on colon cancer for now, and then later on down the line find some research in pediatrics.” Later on down the line? We don’t have this kind of time.

    I hope to be a tiny part of the change that Jennifer’s life will bring about by devoting my life to this field. Please know that I will never, ever forget her or your family. You are the bravest, most honest soul. You are the reason I didn’t feel alone coping with the loss of someone close to me this year; your story will forever keep me grounded, and forever keep me fighting.

  30. I saw you the other day, out with your babies. We don’t know each other but Jennifer has made such an impact on me that I always imagined that if I had the chance to see you I’d have to tell you how unforgettable your precious daughter is.

    I couldn’t though…I felt silly because I just wanted to shout out her name to you. I never forget her, ever! I figured you’d think I was psycho, so I just kept to myself but I just wanted to say JENNIFER out loud…so that you know…we never forget her. You walk around and I can imagine that every step you take spells out her name and traces her face…you breathe her, you live her…and although we are just anonymous strangers, there is nothing about Jennifer or your love for her that is unfamiliar to us all. We get a chance to love her through your words.

    Thank you.

  31. You did everything a mother could do and then some…
    Keep smiling and enjoying your kids, one day it will become tolerable.

    you will come to a place of peace…

    More than anything your sweet angel wants her family to be happy. She is always with you…

    A lovely kind girl… And so brave,

    god surely has big plans her…

    My heart goes out to your family….

    🙂

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