happiness

We all miss her. At different times in different ways.. but there is a constant current

..i miss her…

flowing through our household.

Yesterday i saw the first offering from baby Charlotte in Jennifer’s room. One of her lovies. 4th kid I finally got smart and bought a bunch of the blanket animal she was becoming attached to. I found one on the floor of Jennifer’s room.. at the foot of her bed… right where the boys leave there things for her. I leave the stuff there for a few days and then put it away. Nobody complains and they all seem to respect each other.. so far only one offering at at time..

I walk by her room many many times during a day. I don’t go in it often. If I am writing something I will be sharing publicly I always do it in there.. not my blog since I don’t literally share it myself.. but when I speak about her.. .the words don’t come until I am in her room.

13301778324_939e93174d_bI want to find comfort in there. I want to lay on her bed.. It just isn’t working for me .. yet… I hope.. it will one day. Right now when I go in there the flood of bad memories is too strong. Of her struggling to move.. the last time I heard her garbled voice… trying and failing to get a catheter inserted… her screaming in agony. I think right now its not my little girls room.. . it her torture chamber.

and death bed.

The day she died I still only wanted to be in there. When we tried to leave the house and I completely melted down .. After carrying me back inside Tony tried to help me to our room. I remember.. . I pushed away. My legs found strength to stand and then run and collapse.. nearly suffocating on my sobs on her bed. I would have died right there.. never left till I joined her if I had the choice

Friday was a good day. A simple easy day full of simple easy joys.

Will I ever experience it again? Feeling happy again..not so watered down I can’t recognize it?

We went to dinner at the families house that also lost their daughter 7 yrs ago.. . the family of a little girl I have never met but I find myself talking to sometimes also… They gave me a card around Easter with her picture. I shared it with Jonathan. He loved getting to see Jennifer’s new friend. . .

I hate that I don’t know her friends..  I hate that I don’t have any control.. or even a tangible relationship anymore with my daughter. It just isn’t fair..

We miss you girls.

I am thankful you have each other. .. I am thankful we have each other now too. Its pretty amazing to be with people who really truly just understand.. at a cellular level what we are experiencing.. That I can ask the questions that are currently terrorizing me.. keeping me up at night.

Will I feel happiness again?

I won’t share what they did with us.. but it did give us some hope.. some honest not pat answer hope.They are Christians and it was also good to be able to sit and talk with them about each of our relationships with God. Again with a level of understanding and intimacy we haven’t experienced before.

They are raising some great kids too. . Despite a loss very similar to ours… eldest of 4. 1 of 2 daughters.. The remaining kids so very young.  This gave us the greatest level of hope..

*** 4 sets of feet we had hoped to raise ***
*** 4 sets of feet we had hoped to raise ***

 

~~~Jennifer you go ahead and play with their little girl, we approve~~~

Tonight the same thing. We took the kids outside and Tony watered the trees. They stripped down and ran through the hose water.. Jennifer was the only one who really go into it in years past. . Jonathan would go for a bit.. Anything to be withIMG_0208 sissy.. but then grow tired of it quickly.

She would have loved having partners to play with..

The sound of their laughter tonight.. squealing with delight. I should have been soaking it all in.. I lost all the years of her life…and I fear I am losing these simple years of theirs.

Its like I have a huge big screen tv on.. with characters laughing and smiling. But the mute button is pressed. I can see it. I can understand it.. But I cant hear it.. I don’t get the full effect. I can smile and laugh.. but its hollow. There is no depth of happiness to it.

I love feeling the wind in my hair. I love being outside. I feel like its easier for her to reach me somehow.. . Our back yard I feel that even more. The only place that tops it is this house. Her home. While in radiation treatment.. all those weeks staying at Stanford I came home and hated it here. I wanted to rip it apart. I love it now.

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I just watched some video I took of the kids playing in the water today. Its terrible. I am moving it back and forth constantly from kid to kid. I know why . I remember my just below surface thought..

What if this one is next?

That fear of losing another one creeps up my back and chokes me.. .

So I film trying so hard to be sure I get them all in it.. enough.. Video of them.

 

Moving. Laughing.

Here.

Breathing.
Living. ..

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23 Responses to “happiness”

  1. “The sound of their laughter tonight.. squealing with delight”
    I read this wrong. I read “the sound of her laughter…”
    But I think I got it right. Jennifer was squealing right along with them.

  2. I have never lost a child so I don’t know how you will feel as times goes on. But I do know I will be praying through each and every day for God to stay near you and to hold you all. I’m glad you have friends who truly get it to talk to. I’m sure your daughters are the best of friends and are watching you and glowing with love and pride

  3. My son died at birth almost eight years ago. His brother is now six. I don’t think a single day has gone by in all those years where my heart hasn’t seized up with the fear of losing him too. Once you’ve been on the losing end of a statistic, the odds of it happening again don’t make you feel safer. Don’t let it consume you. Keep doing what you are doing – your no into yes, writing, taking pictures, all of it. Even if you feel hollowed out now, you won’t always, and you will be able to look back on those pictures and memories with happiness and you will be glad for it.

  4. Libby is am so happy you have this other family. That they have you…..a new family in the making. The best part, Jennifer and their little girl are the core of it all! Simply family….

  5. I never know what to say after I read your blog, so I don’t write anything. I always have all this stuff inside my head but I can’t put it into words. I just want you to know that I read every blog post you write. You always make me cry and even some of the comments ( yes I read them too. ) make me cry. You and your family are in my thoughts daily.

  6. Oh libby. …to the depths of my soul I believe you will be happy again. It will be a different level of happiness. ..but I know you will find it. I believe God has brought these special people into your lives so you can see ahead.
    I know a few little girls that I pray are dancing & giggling with your sweet glitter girl.
    Love & prayers for all

  7. When I read your blog and I read that it was a good day or there is a bit of happiness it makes my heart warm. I pray for happiness for your family always. I read your blogs and like someone else said I too read everyone’s comments. God had put another family in your life that can truly understand how you and Tony feel and you and Tony can understand how they feel. We can all say we understand and we know its hard but we dont. Only someone that is going through or had gone through can understand and listen and truly know how you feel. Praying that the Lord will continue to let this friendship grow strong so you can be there for each other while your beautiful “GLITTER GIRL” and their precious “ANGEL” play, laugh and dance together in heaven. Love you and your family Libby. You are always in my heart and in my prayers.

  8. I’m a quiet lurker. I read every blog and think of her often. Letting you know I’m still here. Always will

  9. Yes the pictures. Today the pictures said as much as the words. Together they just take my breath away. Of course still praying. And sending little prayers when I come across our gluten free products. They are great reminders and I like to think I happen upon them at the time you need some extra support…

  10. I still think of Jennifer and your family everyday. Your writings and pictures of JLK still bring tears.

    Tight Hugs and Prayers

  11. I am amazed at all the pictures you have. That is a wonderful resting, memory place. Beautiful photos.

  12. My kids were part of the KLP Photo opportunity in Livermore, yesterday. I felt so honored to be there. It also made me realize the huge impact Jennifer and your family are making in this world. Pediatric cancer should be worried. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us and letting a stranger like me into your daily life. I learn new lessons from you, daily. The glitter is spreading like crazy. Sending hugs to all 6 of you.

  13. Saw these: http://www.victoriassecret.com/shoes/sneakers/cotu-glitter-sneaker-superga?ProductID=178210&CatalogueType=OLS and thought of Jennifer. I’m thinking of purchasing a pair in honor of Brain Cancer Awareness Month. Any chance your family will create a tribute fund at The Cure Starts Now? I’d love to make my donation this month in honor of Jennifer.

    Thanks for spreading the glitter and Jennifer’s life has stuck with all of us! I will keep throwing the glitter at friends and family hoping it will stick with them too.

  14. The big screen TV on mute makes so much sense and is a good way to try to understand how you feel. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through and all the things you’ll continue to feel.

  15. Libby my heart truly breaks into a million peices every time I think about your precious girl… Jennifer is so loved and will never be forgotten every time I see her beautiful face in your pictures I kiss it I just love her and I live in Australia!! Your words your blog has allowed me to live your pain with you and feel your emptiness and heartache I cry every time real tears real pain… I don’t know how you are meant to go on I. Would totally melt down and join my daughter but then I have only one .. One beautiful girl… My life would be lost.. Nothing to keep me going but you have another 3 .. Three beautiful children to help you with your grief and they will.. Their love will give you the strength time will too.. I am sorry this happened I am so sorry but you will hold Jennifer again and that will be such a magical moment! Prayers to you always xx

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