apparently

A good therapist and an attentive husband can really fuck up your morning!

We had counseling this morning. I figured it would mostly be focused on Tony’s concerns for going back to work…Apparently not.

Somehow we ended up on the topic of my guilt.. the subject of my blog last night that Tony doesn’t even read anymore.. This guilt can be so overpowering for me. It was the first time I really cried in a session.

.. how I wish I could have her back to keep making mistakes, then making up for them again.

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Its the same old record over and over again.. I am forever changed by her death.. . and I wish she wasn’t missing out on these lessons I have learned. I wish her death wasn’t the catalyst for me improving

It’s not huge things.. I wasn’t a bad mom before.. Its just in some ways I am better..

..someways I am worse also. I know I go back and forth.. the yo yo of guilt.

I also talked a lot about how I feel like I didn’t know the best of her. I knew she was a good kid. I knew she was loving and generous.. I had no idea the impact she had on people though.. And not through me.. not the people she has touched through my fingers on the keyboard.

I am so proud to be her mommy.

I swing either way on the guilt spectrum.. Either guilt for being better and Jennifer missing it.. or guilt for the overwhelming grief of missing her being so unfair to the boys. Its frustrating for Tony .. he wants me to see what he sees.  My Dad had our 3 living kids so we took a few extra minutes to go grab coffee afterwards and give me some time to pull myself back together again.

We loaded up and headed to the Discovery Museum. On the way Tony asked if I wanted to go see our friends who just had a baby earlier in the morning. I did..

IMG_4520Its always surprising whats hard. Seeing the baby…holding brand new life . Not hard. Seeing another mama in the height of her happiness. Not hard.

Walking the halls of a hospital.. apparently any hospital..

..took me out at the knees.

Tony dropped me off and went to go get lunch. I walked in and it was like the air got sucked out of the room. I almost called him to come get me.. To tell him that it was too hard.. but then I thought it would pass soon.

it didn’t.

It got worse. I felt a pressure in my ears. I felt my legs go wobbly. I was woefully unprepared for this to happen. This wasnt her hospital… it didnt even look the same.

At one point somebody that worked there stopped and asking if I needed help.. was I ok.

NO!

apparently I’m not.

I took a minute and then made my way up to the room… washed my hands and felt my new normal self returning. I held the baby.. heard a birth story. I thought of her. How much she would have wanted to hold this new little baby. How much she would have helped.. and I had a flash.. she met him first. I don’t understand it at all.. but I think Jennifer met him before any of the rest of us did.

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It helped.

It hurt. Why my baby?

It made me smile. .. knowing somehow that she loved this little guy.. and so sad that he will never have the honor of knowing her.

As soon as I hit the hallways the anxiety train hit me again… .I kept my head down and got out as soon as I could.

We had a good day at the museum. The boys really like it there and building and painting and splashing… they don’t know and I haven’t decided if I will share that she painted the same wall they did today just a few years ago.

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I wonder sometimes if she whispers to them.. so quietly they don’t even know they are hearing it. For the first time Jonathan painted a picture of her…DSC_0587

..in the same color pink that she used.

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I thought it.. but I wasn’t sure until I came home and searched for the picture.

I went to cross fit afterwards. I learned my body is capable of a lot..

apparently I am stronger than I thought I was…

…we all are.

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33 Responses to “apparently”

  1. You will find truth in the saying “what does not kill you, makes you stronger” I wish it was worded differently, buth nevertheless it is true.. Sending my love

  2. Yes you are so very strong. I’m glad you had that flash of insight while meeting the baby tonight I believe you are right about Jennifer knowing him and I maybe she will somehow have an impact on his life. I also loved hearing how she is still making her presence felt through her brother. I know it’s not enough and never can be but I don’t think she will ever really leave you

    Prayers for peace and comfort for you Libby xx

  3. I read what you write everyday. I want you to know I am here if you ever need anything. Sean remembers Jennifer everyday. He misses her. She is always present in my mind as is all of your family. We pray for you guys everyday. Hugs and love to you all. Your are so very missed at GPS.

  4. I wish with all I am that this wad different for you. But it’s not, so instead I pray for those little flashes that let you know she is there with you and the rest of her family, guiding you all. Survivor’s guilt can be crippling. Be kind to yourself. It’s brain cancer awareness month, so I’m spreading the glitter even more.

  5. Whisper…you hit the nail on the head! She hasn’t left any of you in spirit. It will never be enough, but it is something that will never stop! Run on. Lady! You are amazing and I continue to have you all in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. You don’t know me. I’m a friend and former co-worker of your sister in law, Christina. I am still here, reading your journey and throwing (with all my might) positive energy and love into the universe for your family.

    I was in Staples the other day, trying to pick out an office chair. I have a very bad back and the first one I bought didn’t work out well. I sat for awhile in a new chair and was searching for reviews online. I checked Facebook as I sat there too. I saw a new blog post and started to read. Guess what song came on in the store? A Thousand Years. I’m not even kidding. I smiled and welled up a bit, b/c I can’t even imagine what those moments are like when they happen to YOU.

    I am always thinking of your family and praying for your hearts to find comfort. I don’t know if healing is the correct word, b/c your loss is so profound. But comfort can help you live through the pain, even if it’s just a little bit of comfort at a time. Like your realization that Jennifer met that new baby before anyone else did. Or Jonathan’s perfect choice of paint color. Praying for continued comforting moments for all of you.

  7. Jennifer is with each and everyone of you everyday. Looking over you all and loving each one of you very much!

  8. Sending you a ton of positive energy today, wishing you the strength to persevere and be patient with yourself at each step of your days.

  9. Libby just remember Jennifer whispers to all of you and she’s always surrounding all of you as long as you believe, she will be forever missed but jennifer will live on forever through your thoughts and dreams and most of all memories. 4 ever 6

  10. One day at a time. Grief never goes away. Its there but you learn to handle it. You lost a child its NOT EASY at all. Don’t beat yourself up your a wonderful mom. You do a lot with your kids and its amazing how you can function. I know its without choice but the thing is you DO IT!!I imagine yes loosing a child does change you and who would not change. But your strength is unbelievable. Time will heal and she will always be there. My prayer is that God continues to give you the strength and the comfort you need each and every day. You are an amazing woman and never forget that. Your children are all so blessed to have a mother that loves the way you do. I pray that Jennifer lets you know she will always be with you and someday you will be together again never to be separated. God Bless you Libby always.

  11. Hi Libby,
    I believe Jennifer met the new baby first. Ny brother in law passed away when my nephew was 4. He adored his papa and spent a great deal of time with him. When his baby borther was born four years after, we were sad knowing that he would have loved this new baby too. One day Maverick heard us talking about it and said “Papa knows Shooter, he sent him to us!”. Children know, they have a clear faith and I believe God speaks through them. Jennifer is that whisper, that nudge. Her body may be gone but her love will live until you wrap your arms around her in heaven. Praying for you and know you are a strong women, even in times of weakness.

  12. You have wonderful courage… courage to go see the new baby… courage to push through your fears/sorrow walking through those hospital halls. Continued prayers to all of you.

  13. I’m in awe and inspired by your daily strength. Thinking of your family and Jennifer always. Sending big hugs!

  14. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but this is the first tiem taht I’m commenting. I deeply admire your complete devotion, and I feel very sorry for your irreplacable loss. You were, and still are, a mom of a very brave little girl who thought us all how to fight with something you cannot beat.
    What I wanted to share with you today is how awkward situations and things can trigger that overwhelming anxiety symptoms when You loose an irreplaceable someone. I’m not a mum, but I lost my best friend a year ago, and her parents have also lost her. In the first months, I was triggered by walking the streets that we used to visit, songs she loved, going to see a movie without her, or a theatre play, and all those predictable things. As the time passed by, The triggers became less obvious and simpe – i.e. every time I realize that I know how many stairs are on the entry of a random shop, since she used wheelchair in the end and I knew where I can lift her up and where I couldn’t. And so on…
    That anxiety never fades, but it changes the shape, and you learn to live with it. Calling her parents also cause anxiety, although they love to hear from me and whenever I talk to her mom I feel much calmer. I still postpone the calls, and I don’t really know why.
    There is a lot to learn for everybody who faces a big grief for the first time. And if you lose a child, that is probably the worst of losses that you can face. So I wish you all the luck and strength that you can get, and I will keep reading what you share. Greetings from Serbia.

  15. I am amazed at how well you can write your feelings here. You are a super mom and I wish you continued strength. Keep listening for the whispers.

  16. I believe in the whispers. I know it’s a personal thing for everyone…the whole idea if after life, angels, ancestors watching over us…but I believe they whisper to us all the time. So softly we don’t even realize it sometimes and other times loud and clear. I believe in whispers. Hugs Libby.

  17. Aw for sure she met the little guy first. Your mother’s instinct(flash) is never wrong. I can see in your face in the picture of you and Jennifer as a newborn how much you wanted and appreciated her. What a blessing to have you for a mommy. Still sending much love to you and your family.

  18. great job on making it through the day! Every day brings new challenges and you are figuring it out! Love to you guys!!

  19. Just read a note from a mom in our town who lost her son to cancer…(he was 18). She said that when she is asked how many children she has, she replies… 1 married, 1 in college, 1 in high school, and 1 in heaven. ” Not sure I am quoting in exact, but liked it. And thought of you. You are amazing!!!!

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