Tag: forever 6

six

Six. Never has a number had such power over me. Forever 6. My eldest child is eternally six years old.. Told on that birthday that she wouldn’t make it see seven. Her younger brother is 7.. and tomorrow her baby brother will also be 6. how? How is that even possible. Her bubbas.. I woke him this morning like I do the every morning before their birthdays.. Welcoming them to their final day of their current age. . But as I said the words .. ” Wake up to your last day of 5..” I felt a rush of cold through my veins. A cold and palpable fear. please help me keep him safe..  I’ve heard that military/police term of “watch your 6”.. and its resonated lately.. I had a feeling as to what it meant.. But I looked it up to be sure.. the defintion.. “6:00 is what lies[…]

flawed but whole

I have these positive posts planned. These things I want to write about laid out in my head and I get excited for it. Excited to explore different avenues of myself and my thoughts and my heart in the way that blogging allows me to. But.. my body seems to know. I write a lot now on Thursdays. My Mom watches 3 of the bigger kids .. will it be like that for the rest of my life.. will I forever stumble over how to refer to my kids. 3 bigger,  the kids,  the girls,  .. its a constant and subtle stab.. one is missing one is missing.. So my parents have them on Thursdays. Its my work day. I try to fill the day with all things Unravel.. and at night we go to counseling. Somewhere along the line I started writing while Bridgette slept. And now its part of[…]

lets go!

I keep thinking I’ve done a good enough job explaining death and heaven… the permanency of it all to them. But its still just too hard of a concept for them to get I think.. I guess in all reality its too hard for me to really get it either.. The other day we were all driving in the car .. home from a day spent with some of our family remembering Jennifer and we heard Charlotte from the back of the car. Just hearing her little voice calling out made me smile remembering earlier in the night.. We watched a video we played at Jennifer’s services. Charlotte had been so cute as we watched the video. She was calling out so excitedly.. so proudly SISSY every time a picture of Jennifer flashed on the screen. I was crying. Big solid silent tears across the room. And she noticed. I[…]

a thousand years

Do you know I still haven’t dreamt of her. Not the real her. I’m ashamed to admit that .Its only been the anguished her that has found me in the dark of the night. The little girl that died in my arms. I have dreamt of her. The horror that she somehow survived day after day.. That pain filled girl comes to me. ..but its not her. please please please i need that not to be her. But I know.. I know somehow she is trying to get to me. Trying to get to me. To reach me. My 6 year old is trying to get to me and she can’t. And I am so scared its my fault. That I am letting her down all over again. I’m sorry jennifer. I’m so sorry I know this is the key. This is they way I will be able to finally[…]

so much has changed

Bridgette is 5 months old.. Thats how old Charlotte was when our lives began to crumble. .. Today is hard.. I just woke up hurting and wanting. And mad. I went.. as I always do in the morning, to a place Tony and I both call wonderful torture. The “on this day” option on Facebook. And I saw the picture of my Jennifer with one of her very best friends. They were wearing the matching pink minnie shirts Jennifer picked out for them in Disney World. I smiled. Remembering how the girls were so serious about trying to match everything. Same color hair things.. and boots and leggings and blue skirts. I smiled at how happy she was to be back at her preschool even though she should have been in kinder. How we gave her the choice of where to go .. and she gladly chose Ms Sandy with Maddie[…]

the 23rd -12th-

12th. I am supposed to be working right now. I have a follow up presentation at Genetech to prepare for next week. January 12th. Kids are at school and at my moms so I can write it in a solid block of time and get myself prepared. Its a big deal presentation. 1 month until THE 12th. .. ..again.. But I can’t concentrate. Its gnawing away at me. The time that I know is looming and coming too quick.. but also too slow. Because it feels like forever since I held her last. And its only been 23 months.. How will I last the rest of my life?? ..how the fuck will I last the rest of my life???? A year ago we were all packed up for our make a wish trip. Unsure what to expect but so excited for the adventure. Right before we left though.. the first[…]

dirty truth

Grinding. Heavy. Sharp. Never the words I wold have imagined myself using to describe Christmas time. Short. Sensitive. Hurting. Never the words I would have imagined my husband using to describe us this time of year. Everyday is just hard. No other way to describe it. The ache for her is palpable. The memories of our last year with her. Such a short time we knew she had cancer.. This time of year brings it all back. The family pictures we took.. . Her face swollen with steroids. . A trip to Disneyland. . Presents that barely got played with.. And now. A vast empty. How can it hurt this much? How are we supposed to survive this? I don’t want to do it all over again. But I am. We are. Day after day. Its not fair. Why my daughter? I hate this part of it. The searing and[…]

ground to outer space

I forgot. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten… Cookie and cocoa and lights. A tradition that matters. We started it Jennifer’s first Christmas. It was always a celebration of getting to be parents. A night I always remembered and appreciated how hard fought for these children of ours were.  As each year we went from 1 to 2 to 3 … 4… with our 4th child then we knew we be losing our first one.. But I loved it. One of the only things that I actually have looked forward to these 2 seasons without her.. Because I remembered so much so fondly. The way she would get so excited.. Even showing her siblings that were just sleeping babies the lights. Squealing out to everybody whose window to look out of. I needed that. That remembering of the happy noises. My boys fight. A lot. And they fight hard. It[…]

tomorrow

Tomorrow I will dust myself off.. Tomorrow I will pick myself up … but today.. Today I crumble. Today my 2 year old toddles over to me and asks to be picked up. Today she offers to kiss my owie and wipes away my tears. Today we start to clean up the garage.. and find bags of my dead daughters clothing. Ones she wore and lived in before we knew the string of letters DIPG and the power they would forever hold over me. Today I ache for her so deeply. Today I am a really crappy mom and today I feel horrible about it.. but can’t seem to stop. .. today. today I find watermelon on clothes she never wore but were in her things. ok sissy .. tomorrow ok.. better tomorrow.. i just can’t today.. sorry Today I bury my face in the jammies she wore so often.[…]

memories

My daughter. I only know my Jennifer in pictures now. And she changed so much after the above one was taken.. I hardly remember her with chubby cheeks like that… How would she have changed in the nearly two years we lost? It used to be I could look through photos of her and not cry. But now I do nearly every time. I don’t really understand that. How as time goes on the pain gets more precise and sharp. I used to be able to talk about her without fighting the tears.. now I almost always do. The words catching often. .. my thoughts swimming away from what I am saying off to memories.. and a different place. My memories .. the only place I can find her or touch her anymore. And I am scared to allow myself to remember. To close my eyes and touch her in[…]