Tag: connection with a dead child

Mrs Barbara Bush

  Did you know the former first lady lost her little girl? When she passed away.. (ok the day before I was the dodo that saw the one erroneous posting and shared it!) .. I was overcome with emotion. So happy for her. In such awe and also such fear. Awe for the impactful life she was able to lead after losing her daughter. For being the wife of a president and then raising one. If she could do that I can do this.. And for being brave enough to share about her daughter in the days when that was taboo.. and fear.. She lived so long. So long in such heartache. Its only been 4 years .. but its tiring.. Its a grind. The always present undercurrent of missing Jennifer.. Its seems impossibly daunting to keep this up for another 60 years.. And then the immense guilt over that..[…]

family pictures

I love pictures..I have always tried to take a lot of the kids. Its a struggle now.. Because there is always a piece missing. And I notice it when I look through the lens of my camera. Always when a new family member joins us we take pro pictures. I don’t know that I can this time. How can we ever do it again? I will never ever have a family picture. One of my friends mentioned the other day how happy her grandma was to get a picture with her whole family at a cousins graduation.. I will never have that. A seemingly insignificant loss in the grand scheme of life.. but it hurts.. a lot. It feels like a cruel form of torture. It really hit me recently.. with the creation of this new life growing we lost the few family pictures we had. . We thought about[…]

steady knowledge

Sometimes I really struggle with this new life of mine.. not just the child loss portion of it.. but also the executive director of Unravel role I am in. I miss being a housewife..days filled with cooking and cleaning.. playdates and parks. Its all I ever wanted to be .. a wife and a mom. Its all I ever wanted to do.. raise a house full of kids. But then cancer hit and stole one of mine.. and all of my dreams and aspirations have now changed… Unravel brings so much.. but it comes at a cost. There are times I just want to go back to being only a mommy and wife. In just this new life.. As a mom to 3 living and 1 in heaven.. and wife to a incredible and broken man. I want to be making scrapbooks about her and trying to absorb my little[…]

she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween. I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us. The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago. My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache[…]

5 minutes later

** I wrote this last week .. but never actually shared it.. I can’t remember why now! **   I need to write.. I want to write but something keeps stopping me. Like I am just scared to let all that is bubbling inside of me out. This weekend was a lot. A lot. It started out with her party.. Saturday morning we finished up decorating the cupcakes and then it was time to go. To get in the car for a thank you to our community and all the people that cared about our family . . and a chance to celebrate with them and our friends this spectacular girl of ours. But I was scared to go.. about how hard this might really be. Was it the right choice for me and Tony.. the right choice for our kids. I make none of the decisions lightly.. but that[…]