I am exhausted. In counseling we talked about how I have simply felt too busy to grieve. Then I am so scared to allow myself to go there… because it will consume me.. And I worry I won’t recover from it well enough to get the things done that I need to. I love being […]
I am not alone. It’s a big piece of why I still share this blog. Its harder to do now. I feel so much more drained when I write. So much more exposed now .. But I share because of the notes I get from others in my shoes or from those loving somebody else that […]
Its a grind for us all right now. Just passing our 2 year anniversary of her diagnosis and birthday. Its like the start of our really hard time. And frankly we just really don’t want to do it. I am mad. I am angry. I have done this all before and I just don’t want […]
Her birthday. The second one we have endured since losing her. The anniversary of her terminal diagnosis. DIPG. The same day and the second we have faced without her. A un-party. We escaped with the kids. It seems to be the only way I can even begin to imagine facing these huge milestones. To the […]
I’ve made the drive many times in my life .. Yesterday making it memories flooded back. Jonathan needs a hernia surgery. His pediatrician referred us to Lucille Packard. Its scheduled for first thing Friday morning. Initially on the drive yesterday I remembered the evening we first made the trip for Jennifer. Lost trying to find our […]
Her birthday is coming. Like a fucking train. I am staring at a train, barreling right for us and I cannot get us out of the way. I want so desperately to make it a celebration for her .. for them too.. But I don’t know how. I am crippled from the pain right now. […]
I am trying so hard. To keep afloat. To not drown or go all the way under. But I don’t think I can. I just miss her so much. I want to be alone. Just locked inside this house.. Just be home. Doing nothing. Just us. I want to grab them all and just run […]
My mind wanders.. a lot. I have always been a big day dreamer. Its actually one of the reasons I have always enjoyed working out. Its a time to just let my mind and imagination run free. But right now .. even though our california weather is not very fall like I seem to remember. […]
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