Tag: child death

find me again..

Sometimes we resist what we know.. this blog is really just a continuation of this one.. And sometimes urges and pushes are so strong we cannot ignore them.. I pulled the boys out of school and took them on a mommy and boys date to the movies. Coco. None of us had seen it… it was only in one theatre 40 mins away.. But I had this strong urge.. we were meant to go. The 3 of us had the entire place to ourselves. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.. Until the final scene.. when my deepest hope for what its like for me and Jennifer now was on screen. The movie ended and we left the theatre and went on the hunt for something to eat at the mall.. We talked as we walked .. in the best boy talking way.. moving and not[…]

What’s it like- living with child loss

Whats it like? What’s it like to be you? I see it. I think that is probably the number 1 question I see burning behind people’s eyes that is never asked. Though it’s hinted to… in the escape of words like I can’t imagine. .. So I’ll tell you.. It’s showing up to drop my son off late at school.. walking him into the cafeteria to get one last hug as he drops off his lunch box. Something is going on.. lots of kids and fun. Its seeing a mom who asks if I am ready for the craziness.. It’s asking what and hearing that its the 3rd grade arcade day. Its the wonder for just a moment.. until you can feel the ground move beneath you.. She should be in there.. And the gym that was moments ago just 15 feet away somehow becomes miles away.. at the end[…]

my friend Grief

Its February. Its here. This month that fills me with such dread.. Its here. And with her she brings my old friend.. Grief. True. Utter. Grief. Grief that hollows me out. This friend.  The one I can’t remember not knowing, yet somewhere along the line, I was able to put in some separation.. Able to call on her .. versus her calling on me.. With this month that friend is back. Holding my hands .. matching my every step. I feel like I am being slowly pushed towards an invisible line and everything in me is fighting against it.. I’m losing though. . Ive always lost to February. I find myself constantly crying. Every time I get in the car .. Even those times my mind feels blank or preoccupied .. the moment the door closes I feel that familiar prick and sting in my eyes.. Grief. She grabs my[…]

this christmas

We made it through the holidays.. It wasn’t pretty a lot of the time.. But really thats not my goal anymore. Its just to make it through. To celebrate the joys.. and be ok with the sads. To say good riddance to the passing of a year without her and try to not dread the start of year another year without her.. Christmas was just a crap day. One where everything seemed to just go wrong. … From toys breaking.. to meals not cooking right.. Tony even had to go into work. The culmination of the day was the kicker..  I turned the corner from our kitchen to the hallway to be greeted by water. Charlotte had stuffed too much toilet paper and for 20 mins it kept flushing.. But maybe that was a good thing.. Because we all banded together to clean it up.. and keep little hands from[…]


I look at her picture. And I want to grab her out of it. To feel her warmth again..I just want to grab her by the shoulders.. and shoulders. .. her shoulders .. remember oh God.. please don’t let me forget.. her shoulders .. my hands could perfectly cup them. If I moved my thumbs inward I could feel that bony bump right there.. They curved in slightly.. I think . ..I think she hunched just a tiny bit. Oh my God. Is that her? Or is it Jonathan? please .. oh please. jennifer. no. no. no. its like i am losing you again. Piece by piece she was stolen. And now it happens again. As I struggle against my own brain to remember her. Its like a grainy cell phone picture.. We have tally marks on the wall for the kids heights. I walk past and will touch where[…]

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

i will stand

I am a walking contradiction. I wake up exhausted. .. yet I struggle to find sleep. I am somehow simultaneously full beyond capacity and horribly empty. and.. and the cruelest contradiction .. I am mom to 5. but only 4 that I can touch. I just want to know her still. Who she would be. See her outgrow clothes.. Know what her talents would be. .. What her current favorite popsicle flavor would be. I am forever her mom.. but she is forever 6 … and its just not the same. It just doesn’t add up or work. And right now that contradiction is just overwhelming. I am beyond broken right now..  I feel so destroyed. I just hurt.  The sheer power and force of these emotions in surprising. I cannot believe how hard this still is .. Not always.. That’s improved. But when it hits, and holy hell is it[…]

spoken in silence

I miss you Jennifer.  I wish I had something more.. something deeper and more profound to say. Words fail me though. . Because I constantly miss her.. Its always there.. sometimes just a subtle current. But not always.. it scares me how quickly the tide can rise up and drown me in my own sorrow.. .. I mean I get it.. I think if I was an outsider looking in I would get it.. Its my daughter.. My child. I can cognitively understand that it will never really get better.. But it scares me still, the times that I can feel it slowly building and growing power.. Or times that it just swells up suddenly.. How easily I can still succumb to the simple yet echoingly deep grief. How I can look up at her picture and yearn.. so incredibly. .. to just follow her into the light.. I imagine[…]

the loudest noise

Its the little things.. the silly, seemingly insignificant things that can rock you to your core. It’s not just like that with child loss though .. I think its like that with everything. The things you take most for granted are the things you miss most when they are gone. Her name. Jennifer. I have written often about how it matters. How I like to hear people say it. To know they are breathing life back into her by using her name.. But I think I forgot about me. I use it. I talk about her. Often. But another bereaved mama friend posted something the other day that made me realize what a huge piece is missing. .. Her name. Jennifer. Talking to her. Saying her name to her. My friend posted that she walked around her home calling Liam. .. just over and over again calling his name. She[…]

growing up with grief..

Grief has a place in our family.. at our table. Its kinda like a sibling to them.. One that grows and changes right along with them. Parenting a child through grief is something I never really imagined myself having to do. And most of the time I don’t feel well equipped to do it. Its much harder than I thought it would be. I am so grateful I am not alone in doing it though.. I feel so deeply for parents that lose their spouse and have to face this alone. .. Right now its Nicholas. His struggles are deep and loud and real. The disappointment he felt flipping through the most recent yearbook and realizing his sister wouldn’t be in it.. The look of settled in disappointment in his eyes. It was unnerving and unnatural to see that in a boy of his age. I ached for him. I[…]

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