Tag: bereaved parents

down the aisle

So I had my day planned.. . I was going to practice my speech for the upcoming MNO this weekend since I haven’t done it yet .. and then maybe carve out time to blog about how often people are surprised by my smiles.. and the joy they see in my family that is ALWAYS present.. …but Facebook had another idea for me.. Tony and I have talked lately about the love/hate affair we both have with the “on this day” option. The one that you can see old memories. .. moments that you shared a year.. or more ago on that day. Today scrolling through .. luckily after all the kids were at school or napping I was seized by the grainy image on my screen. .. with a caption of bitterly ironic words “not ready for this” Oh how I miss the safety of the sadness of watching my[…]

do over

Up and down and backwards.. tumbling over and over again. That was my today. I have felt every emotion possible today. But I am ending it.. in a quiet house with  a few hitting me all at once.. all overwhelming in their own right .. Sadness. Dread. Pride. Gratitude. .. an odd mixture. thank you jennifer. i know. i know you have a part in the latter two. the ones that matter the most. somehow i just know i have you to thank. The dread and sadness .. I don’t think I need to explain those.. And tonight I don’t want to. Tonight those emotions are all mine. Moments to be shared with the daughter I can no longer touch.. but will one day follow into the light.. Most of the day I felt on the edge .. just hanging on by a very thin thread. Verging on an outburst[…]

dirty truth

Grinding. Heavy. Sharp. Never the words I wold have imagined myself using to describe Christmas time. Short. Sensitive. Hurting. Never the words I would have imagined my husband using to describe us this time of year. Everyday is just hard. No other way to describe it. The ache for her is palpable. The memories of our last year with her. Such a short time we knew she had cancer.. This time of year brings it all back. The family pictures we took.. . Her face swollen with steroids. . A trip to Disneyland. . Presents that barely got played with.. And now. A vast empty. How can it hurt this much? How are we supposed to survive this? I don’t want to do it all over again. But I am. We are. Day after day. Its not fair. Why my daughter? I hate this part of it. The searing and[…]

simple complication

Don’t stop moving.. Don’t stop doing. .. Don’t stop going..I think that’s the key for me right now. The only way I am still standing. ..perhaps standing is a stretch.. But I am upright. Because the moment I am not fully occupied in something the tears find me. A 15 minute drive in the car .. Just me and my littlest girls and I find myself crying. Not hard. And no reason. Just tears. Cold tears. Pointless tears. My workouts suck. I used to take pride in what I could accomplish in my gym. I used to feel freedom working out.. A place to escape mentally and physically. But now its not like that. Now I feel trapped. Doing the movements and going through the motions. But not really throwing myself into it. So the release, the healing, I once found is evading me. Maybe because all my energy is[…]

silence

**another one I waited to post, I had to clear it with Tony first** How can silence be so deafening? I came home from last Saturday nights fundraiser on a bit of a high to a husband that was really hurting .. really struggling. Missing his daughter. His first case of love at first site. Tony loves me.. tremendously .. but its different. He was smitten. Completely. Absolutely. Totally. From the first moment he laid eyes on her. And I know she felt the same way. But he can’t touch her anymore. He can’t hold her or laugh with her. And something inside him is broken. He loves me. He adores with everything he is our 3 surviving kids. But something is broken. . a place inside that can never be fixed or healed. Its a deep and protected place. The place in his heart that she carved out that was[…]

one day

We had a wonderful anniversary trip. We walked and spent time together.. and we struggled and we fought as we tried to figure out how to navigate missing the same 6 year old girl in such vastly different ways. I need to talk about her. About all the memories and the moments. Tony needs to escape it more often then not. He looked at this weekend as a time to get some respite from our grief.. A chance to be husband and wife for 48 hours. I looked at it as a time to grieve together.. uninterrupted.. A chance to be mommy and daddy to a girl in heaven. We were both right in what the trip should have been.. The thing is we both failed to share our expectations with each other.. both assuming the other had the same mindset. It all came out over dinner on Saturday ..[…]

double agent

So why are you doing this? (the whole fluttering campaign)  To keep the promise you made to Jennifer? (Unravel itself) I was asked that today in a interview. I wish I could say yes. But its simply not the truth. I am doing it because I am selfish and I know it could be another one of my babies again.. Or my friends kids.. or my nephew or niece. Experience does not make one immune to childhood cancer. This is why I am committed to Unraveling pediatric cancer. Jennifer is gone. Curing cancer does nothing for her .. i just want my baby back And I am selfish. I am doing this so people say her name. If everybody that orders a kit moves it nightly that 10, 500 houses that see the dragonflies.. and learn the facts.. and maybe they even say her name. Maybe enough people whisper her[…]

so much

I came home yesterday to a clean house.. boys happily playing at their coco and papas and a meal on the table. Oh how I love this man. But the thing I noticed first was baby Charlotte in her frozen sisters dress turned shirt. I had them made.. one for each of my daughters. As I walked back to my room after putting baby Charlotte to bed I noticed a gift in Jennifers room. A gift bag full of things with tissue paper at the top. I asked Tony about it and he told me Jonathan has decided on the way home from the vacation that he wanted to give sissy and daddy gifts.. so he did.. oh how I love this boy. so much like his daddy. I often wonder about his little mind.. what is going on inside of it. My final day of the Tahoe trip I[…]

still brave

As yet another 12th comes closer I start to think about her death constantly. About what I was doing and feeling on February 9th. Remember with me..  That ring.. I remember that day. My friend coming to get it to try to save it for me.. How I hated having it off for a few hours. I love it so much. Its more precious to me than any other piece of jewelry I have ever owned. There are a lot of memorial tattoos ideas I am marinating on.. But that ring marked on me forever is for sure happening. I don’t often re-read my blogs. But I am glad I did with that one.. because it reminds me of who she was. The silly spunky way she would ask for the ring back. . and then give it to me over .. How happy she was to see me wearing[…]

by name

Somebody shared a saying with me that struck a chord. A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child’s memory. Few things have been so poignantly accurate for me in any part of this horrible journey. Tony and I talked about it today. About sharing the video of our Julys (the 4th and the garlic festival) with her, with family..We talked about how scary it is to know that people won’t always be willing or wanting to sit down and give 10 minutes of a celebration to her. We are now surrounded by child loss.. although it is a club nobody wants to join it is a club that is tight with its members. And everybody I have talked to shares stories about how and when it happens to them. I am actually going to keep this blog really short.. I want to write to my[…]