simple complication

Don’t stop moving.. Don’t stop doing. .. Don’t stop going..I think that’s the key for me right now. The only way I am still standing.

..perhaps standing is a stretch.. But I am upright.

Because the moment I am not fully occupied in something the tears find me. A 15 minute drive in the car .. Just me and my littlest girls and I find myself crying. Not hard. And no reason.

Just tears. Cold tears. Pointless tears.

My workouts suck. I used to take pride in what I could accomplish in my gym. I used to feel freedom working out.. A place to escape mentally and physically. But now its not like that. Now I feel trapped. Doing the movements and going through the motions. But not really throwing myself into it. So the release, the healing, I once found is evading me.

Maybe because all my energy is being spent not falling apart instead of focused where it is supposed to be.. I won’t give up on it. Because it gave me so much .. i am just desperate for that uplift to return.

My kids though.. I am being a good mom. I can confidently say that. They are getting my all.. So everything else is suffering. Greatly. I am thankful for those picking up the pieces of everything.. so at least I can be a good mom. ..

I’ll be damned if they don’t have good memories of this season. Cancer WILL NOT steal that from them too. 

cookies and a evening walk
cookies and a evening walk

I am tired. All the time.

This song is playing .. it seems to sum it up for me..

By the time I put the kids to bed I am spent. Utterly and totally spent. More tired than I have been in a very long time.

…but I can’t sleep.

I look for ways to cancel plans.. People are draining.. Not through any fault of their own.. But mine. If the kids don’t already know.. I try to find my way out.

..escape

What a contradiction I am. Don’t stop doing/moving/going.. Yet weak/tired/exhausted. Constantly making plans.. Only to then cancel them. . Because nothing fits. Nothing feels right. .

Nothing is right.

I look at my Bridgette growing and changing so quickly.. In one moment I think they grow up so fast. Only to be smacked down..

only if you are lucky.. you know that Libby.. 

Nothing is right without Jennifer. She should be here. Another Christmas without her. Another new year to start.. without her..

Christmas 2010
Christmas 2010

and then it will be 2 years. oh my God .. 2 years since I touched her.. heard her ragged breath. ..

songs .. are you trying to tell me something sissy??

Is it who I used to be? Do you understand how I feel too? Is it me? Is it me that used to be yours? .. or is it you that used to be mine?

damnit. I don’t want to try to decipher a song to communicate with my daughter. I just want her back. I don’t want to feel crazy.. like I am grasping at straws.. clinging to songs.. to find her.

I want more than unopened mail for her..
I want more than unopened mail for her..

I just want her back

its simple. its complicated.

thats us now huh buggers?

so simple.

so complicated.

DSC_0299

..until there is a cure..

10 Responses to “simple complication”

  1. Libby, this may be a ridiculous statement considering all that you have been through, but have you talked to your OB about post partum depression? Some of the words that you’ve used in your last posts have sounded very familiar to me. The weight that you carry right now could crush anyone, and then adding in the fact that you just had a baby – maybe you need some extra help right now to get you through these next weeks and months. I hope that doesn’t overstep any “strangers on the web” bounds – but I worry.

  2. All you can do is take one day at a time. Jennifer is with you. She will always be with you. I know, not in the way she should be here, not in the way she deserves to be, but she is. I hope she comes to you in your dreams and in other ways too. Just breath. We love you Libby. We love you Jennifer. Always. LOVE4JLK ♡

  3. The holiday season is always worse for those with loss. I know we still struggle knowing my brother won’t be there to share it with us. But, the light does come back. Slowly, and always with that shadow. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You are being a good mom. That is enough. 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

  4. I feel as though I have nothing to say except that I am here reading and listening and feeling love and compassion. I wish had something, that there was something I could say or do but all I can do is stay here, reading, fighting, being active, praying and supporting the best I can. You do the best you can every day in spite of everything and if that isn’t the most damn inspiring thing I have ever experienced I don’t know what is.

  5. I can relate to your first commen.,I hate to go anywhere by myself in the car the reason being when its just me and my thoughts I can’t control the crying.This will be my 3rd Christmas without my little girl,I wish I could say that I am a great mom to my living 4 but I don’t feel like I am much into anything anymore which is sad.Cancer doesn’t just take our children it takes a piece of us.Like you I just want her back.Prayers to you may you have the best holiday possible.

  6. tears and prayers. prayers that cancer is gone. I hate this disease… it takes too many, too soon, leaving those left behind with a giant hole.

  7. heartbroken for you. and there is no shame in exploring the option of finding relief for emotions through medication. talk therapy is sometimes just not enough. feeling better will not diminish your love of Jennifer nor be a betrayal of Jennifer’s memory. i’m a kookie dr. phil fan so here’s a link – take it or leave it – since my advice is only from textbooks. http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/202

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