Don’t stop moving.. Don’t stop doing. .. Don’t stop going..I think that’s the key for me right now. The only way I am still standing.
..perhaps standing is a stretch.. But I am upright.
Because the moment I am not fully occupied in something the tears find me. A 15 minute drive in the car .. Just me and my littlest girls and I find myself crying. Not hard. And no reason.
Just tears. Cold tears. Pointless tears.
My workouts suck. I used to take pride in what I could accomplish in my gym. I used to feel freedom working out.. A place to escape mentally and physically. But now its not like that. Now I feel trapped. Doing the movements and going through the motions. But not really throwing myself into it. So the release, the healing, I once found is evading me.
Maybe because all my energy is being spent not falling apart instead of focused where it is supposed to be.. I won’t give up on it. Because it gave me so much .. i am just desperate for that uplift to return.
My kids though.. I am being a good mom. I can confidently say that. They are getting my all.. So everything else is suffering. Greatly. I am thankful for those picking up the pieces of everything.. so at least I can be a good mom. ..
I’ll be damned if they don’t have good memories of this season. Cancer WILL NOT steal that from them too.
I am tired. All the time.
This song is playing .. it seems to sum it up for me..
By the time I put the kids to bed I am spent. Utterly and totally spent. More tired than I have been in a very long time.
…but I can’t sleep.
I look for ways to cancel plans.. People are draining.. Not through any fault of their own.. But mine. If the kids don’t already know.. I try to find my way out.
What a contradiction I am. Don’t stop doing/moving/going.. Yet weak/tired/exhausted. Constantly making plans.. Only to then cancel them. . Because nothing fits. Nothing feels right. .
Nothing is right.
I look at my Bridgette growing and changing so quickly.. In one moment I think they grow up so fast. Only to be smacked down..
only if you are lucky.. you know that Libby..
Nothing is right without Jennifer. She should be here. Another Christmas without her. Another new year to start.. without her..
and then it will be 2 years. oh my God .. 2 years since I touched her.. heard her ragged breath. ..
Is it who I used to be? Do you understand how I feel too? Is it me? Is it me that used to be yours? .. or is it you that used to be mine?
damnit. I don’t want to try to decipher a song to communicate with my daughter. I just want her back. I don’t want to feel crazy.. like I am grasping at straws.. clinging to songs.. to find her.
I just want her back
its simple. its complicated.
thats us now huh buggers?
..until there is a cure..