Category: Our Story

#forTHEMbecauseofHER

Her birthday is coming. .. She should be 8. This should be a celebration. She loved her birthday. I loved her birthday. But now I am dreading it. Terribly. No balloons to blow up.. no birthday chair to decorate.. no candles to blow out. . No presents. No joy. No happy.. But she deserves more that that. She is worth celebrating. you hear me sissy? Only 6 years we got with her. A friend recently emailed me. About preparing for her soon to be 8 year olds birthday. We went to this girls 6th birthday party shortly before Jennifer was diagnosed. Our friend stumbled across the wrapping paper she had used for a game at that party.. And she was hit.. a rake to the face moment. That damn wrapping paper is still here.. but my dauhter isn’t. And its not ok. Its not fair. I don’t get to celebrate[…]

welcome home

Well hello there.. It feels like forever since I have written… Like a lifetime ago.. Which happily I guess it was. Our dandelion wish arrived. A baby girl we named Bridgette Avari Kranz. Her middle name means gift from the heavens.. and we know she is simply just that. We didn’t know gender or when the baby would come.. but we knew the baby would be blonde.. She wasn’t brown hair just like Jennifers and the same long fingers. .. Like her older siblings she will always carry a piece of her biggest sister with her.  Then we had Nicholas’ 4th birthday and just yesterday we had Jonathan’s, his 6th birthday. Six. Unbelievable. We measured him on the wall we have marked with all their heights. He is the same height Jennifer was. I have found myself touching his head a lot today. Trying to remember what it felt like[…]

i really truly do

Sometimes the feelings that rise up surprise me.. The ones that make me feel like everything about me is all wrong. The ones that make me remember nothing will ever be right again. I love this new baby already. I really truly do.. But its not supposed to be coming. .. We were supposed to be done. I should be lamenting packing up the last of our baby things as Charlotte is now growing into a official big girl. The time we waited for. Kids big enough to be a little self sufficient and each others friends. My house should be bustling full.. and so perfect looking. Bookend daughters. But its not. We are preparing to start all over again. Older than we ever imagined we would be with a newborn. .. And with a sharp jagged edge to us. I love this new baby already. I really truly do..[…]

we’re coming

When we get close to home I have a silly tradition that we will call out to whoever is waiting for us that we are on our way. Today it was just me and Charlotte and I started the call.. I called them one by one.. Daddddyyy and she would echo me..then  Bubbassss ..and  Brotherrr .. then I stopped. . I guess I must usually have at least 2 of the kids in the car because today it made me choke and gag. I gripped the steering wheel as tears bypassed the stinging stage and immediately began to fall. One missing. I whispered.. Jennifer.. over and over again. Charlotte already knowing the routine had continued on with it. “We’re cominggg” she was so damned happily yelling from behind me. I pounded the steering wheel. And then I said louder.. Sisssyyy .. Charlotte giggled and kicked, swinging her legs out.. Calling[…]

quicksand

  “At rest, quicksand thickens with time, but it remains very sensitive to small variations in stress. At higher stresses, quicksand liquefies very quickly, and the higher the stress the more fluid it becomes. This causes a trapped body to sink..” national geographic Quicksand .. an analogy I googled mid post and realized was so perfect I cried at the understanding it seemed to convey to me. When you are in quicksand you have move slowly. Deliberately. Constantly. It’s something you have to get out of on your own. But what about when its your kids that are stuck in it? We are pausing continuing to work on her room. We are concentrating on touching them. We are taking just a moment to listen before reacting. Because that’s what they need from us. Last night Jonathan just started crying with Tony. That he missed him this weekend.. that he “loves him[…]

cancer survivor day

Cancer survival day. 2 years ago I didn’t even know something like this existed.. and if I did it was simply a blip in my day. Not a grinding and scratching reminder of what Jennifer is not. I thought it would just be one day staring me in the face. I was wrong. There is build up.. Its truly a wonderful thing to celebrate. .. I am just so horribly jealous that I can’t be part of it. I’m long over lamenting being part of the cancer community as a whole, I have met some of the greatest people in my life through it..  But I hate that I am, that we are,  the losers. A tumor in just a slightly different place in her brain.. it could have been the difference between life and death. . It certainly would have been at least a chance. With my 6 yr[…]

family pictures

I love pictures..I have always tried to take a lot of the kids. Its a struggle now.. Because there is always a piece missing. And I notice it when I look through the lens of my camera. Always when a new family member joins us we take pro pictures. I don’t know that I can this time. How can we ever do it again? I will never ever have a family picture. One of my friends mentioned the other day how happy her grandma was to get a picture with her whole family at a cousins graduation.. I will never have that. A seemingly insignificant loss in the grand scheme of life.. but it hurts.. a lot. It feels like a cruel form of torture. It really hit me recently.. with the creation of this new life growing we lost the few family pictures we had. . We thought about[…]

ultimate graduation

Its been a really full past few days. So much going on with Unravel. 2 MNO coming up and a golf tournament.. A few different interviews and our fluttering kits going on sale.. Its been easy to escape into it all.. Its been hard to escape into it all.. Will I ever not need to actively grieve? Will I ever be ok to go more than a day without crying without a crushing weight bearing down on me? I don’t know.. I really don’t. But I am starting to worry I may never. That losing my eldest child is truly so horrible I will never not have to succumb. . even just a little every day. Along with Unravel we had sickness that has kept us homebound for several days. Jonathan missed his last day of preschool because of it. That was ok though, because he seems to be battling[…]

we all have 2 books

I think we all have 2 books we are assigned.. The first one.. our book of life. It holds all the chapters of our lives.. And the second.. well I am not at all sure about this book.. because I think it starts when the first book closes.. And I am still in midst of my life story. So many chapters I think you count on when you have a child..  Chapters you dream about and chapters you dread and many like their wedding are a mix of both. .. Sometimes those chapters never get written .. Its hard as a parent to wrap your mind around the fact that their book is done.. I find myself flipping through imaginary pages crying over the stark white staring back at me. Those never written words in our child’s book permanently alters all subsequent chapters in ours.. It was never our plan..[…]

questions without answers

I have been so busy with Unravel things lately.. I have found little time to truly grieve. But now I have a empty and quiet home. My living babies tucked safely in their beds and my husband out with friends.. I sit and I stare off.. and I cry. So much. Unable to really even focus on what I am thinking.. just knowing that I miss my daughter terribly. My hurting still so deep an d Am I doing this wrong? Is it normal to still hurt so desperately? To still need so much time to just fall completely apart? My hurting still so deep and visceral. I feel raw. Exposed and so vulnerable. That when I go so many days without writing.. without digging in .. that when I finally sit and do it I find myself crying so vocally I have to cover my mouth.. afraid my pain[…]