Category: grieving after 1 year

final word

Grief is a strange thing…a fluid thing. The way it manifests itself in adults and kids. It really keeps you on your toes. Often times Tony and I don’t even know we are struggling with big grief until we start tackling it. We will just turn to the other one and say the words.. The ones that will unleash a landslide of understanding for the fights or explosions or misunderstandings of the last few weeks. With kids its a sudden twist. I want them to know they can talk to me or other safe adults. I want them to also know its ok to not be grieving their sister. Its ok to just be. . It is a small tightrope to be walking along. That balance between openness and demonstrating healthy big emotions while still allowing them to just be kids. They surprise us though. They often do it very[…]

broken trust

He has lost confidence in me. It’s not that he blames me.. its just he doesn’t trust me the way he used to. He questions more.. He pushes more. He checks more. I know he doesn’t blame me… but my husband doesn’t have faith in me. It’s not on purpose. He likely doesn’t even know its happening to him.. to us. But it is. I have noticed it happening for awhile now. At first I told myself maybe it was just me being sensitive.. or him just being overly cautious. It’s a subtle change but a heartbreaking one. And once I recognized it I have struggled to over come the shock of it. The emergence of a new side effect of childhood cancer.. Because I don’t trust me either. I haven’t heard others talk about it. . Are we the only ones??  I’d like to say no.. I always tell[…]

run ahead

I am not alone. It’s a big piece of why I still share this blog. Its harder to do now. I feel so much more drained when I write. So much more exposed now  ..  But I share because of the notes I get from others in my shoes or from those loving somebody else that is in my shoes. It’s why I share. I went for a run on the beach while we were there for her should have been 8th birthday.  I often do that when we are at a beach,  but this time I connected to it in a different way. I always look at the ocean and remember that saying about there being as many souls in heaven as drops in the ocean. I believe that. I sensed that as I held her as she died. The fullness in the room beyond anything I have ever felt.[…]

8th birthday un-party

Her birthday. The second one we have endured since losing her. The anniversary of her terminal diagnosis. DIPG. The same day and the second we have faced without her. A un-party. We escaped with the kids. It seems to be the only way I can even begin to imagine facing these huge milestones. To the beach, a beach house that friends of our family open up to us. I like being somewhere she was. Being able to remember her in one corner. .. or on the stairs or sharing a meal. She was here with us once. Alive and whole. We mostly escaped social media and our phones on the trip. But Tony and I each took a few moments of solitude to escape into the digital world. We saw post after post about our daughter. About moments and memories people made with their children .. because knowing a family[…]