I am struggling to find the balance. I write and I miss Jennifer so terribly.. I look through pictures to add them to my words. And I see how quickly and special my time with her was.. And I realize how quickly this time is passing me with my surviving kids.. but Jennifer died. Cancer […]
Its February. Its here. This month that fills me with such dread.. Its here. And with her she brings my old friend.. Grief. True. Utter. Grief. Grief that hollows me out. This friend. The one I can’t remember not knowing, yet somewhere along the line, I was able to put in some separation.. Able to […]
Almost 3 years. I said those words aloud to another DIPG parent last week, a Dad just starting out on their journey.. and I haven’t been able to shake it. .. 3 years. Its been almost 3 years since I last held my daughter. Since I last smoothed the hair from her face.. And whispered […]
She should be 9… I am a mother to 4 beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed living children. They attract attention. .. and are the catalyst for conversations. I often get asked if they are all mine.. or hear comments that my hands are full. If it ends there I will leave it.. but often the […]
I am out of control. Watching Jennifer struggle. Witnessing her slow and painful death.. I learned I have no control… And now.. I constantly feel like I am being battered by wave after wave of emotions. I wish I could control my mind better… I wish I could control the triggers.. know when they are […]
I am a walking contradiction. I wake up exhausted. .. yet I struggle to find sleep. I am somehow simultaneously full beyond capacity and horribly empty. and.. and the cruelest contradiction .. I am mom to 5. but only 4 that I can touch. I just want to know her still. Who she would be. […]
September marks the start of pediatric cancer awareness month.. I feel like I should be writing all about it. The ways to be involved. To not JUST be sorry but to be active.. but I can’t.. because I am selfish… and I am fucking struggling. Because the end of August and September seems to mark for […]
Our nation… Our country. There is a lot of sadness swirling around us. I have a multitude of thoughts about it all. Likely much of it isn’t popular opinion. But my goal isn’t to be popular is it? So many recently have joined my ranks of becoming bereaved parents… but from all different sources. Guns. […]
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