I find myself back to a place where I have a longing for my nights to come and write. I don’t know if I am in a transitional period or if it is just a hard spot for me right now. I am brimming with emotions lately.. anger and sadness.. and a sharp desperate ache for my Jennifer.
I have prayed a lot lately. Constantly talking to God, just walking out to the garage to grab a bottle of juice I speak to Him. I ask for help.. . Sometimes its unbelievable to me. .. how I can feel so mad at Him on one hand .. yet still closer to Him than I have ever been.
I know heaven is real. I know this isn’t the end.. but I just get so damned scared. And so I write … I release those fears through my fingers.. and then somehow am able to take on a new day. I know with every ounce of me that I will see her again.. but I still just get so scared that I am wrong…because I have never needed it to be true the way I do now. I envy those bereaved parents that seem to not have the same fears I do.
…because sometimes I doubt what I know.
The kids and I will load up tomorrow and head out of town to for a trip for my parents 50th anniversary. I love Tony, with all of my heart.. but I can’t help but think about not wanting to make it to our 50th.. I plan to stay married to him for the rest of my years.. I just can’t help but hope my years don’t amount to enough to take us to our 50th.
I wonder if I will always feel that way?
Right now its just so hard to grasp that I could ever not feel this way. Especially right now. I don’t know why..I don’t know why I am hurting so damned much. I just know I am.
I feel so out of control with this trip. Like I don’t even know what I want.. how to remember her.. how to make it a good trip for us. . All I know is she isn’t coming with us. And that breaks me apart. Right now I feel like I am floating all alone in the middle of a vast ocean.. I can see land but cannot figure out how to get back there. I know I am pushing myself further out into the open waters right now but I don’t seem to have the capability to stop myself.
I called the funeral home today to see if I could pick-up the” keepsake”. What a stupid name! Its something you can keep in your home that can be the same as your loved ones urn with a little bit of their ash in it.I see so many people in my news feed bringing their child’s urn with them on vacations..
…my Facebook is full of pediatric cancer now..
… We will be burying hers once the headstone is ready. I realized last night I could go get this.. and have a piece of her physical body with us.
Jonathan asked what we were getting. How am I supposed to explain it to him? I said its a little remainder of sissy and that he could hold it at home if he wanted.. that and a hair cut seemed to hold him off from asking anymore about it. Ive been thinking about it all evening .. how to explain cremation to him. I guess I will just say since she doesn’t need her body any more we were able to turn it into ash.. and now we can do so much with it. Have some in our home.. or on trips with us. .. Even make a diamond for mommy out of it. ..and we will bury some so we always have a place to visit.
I am assuming we will talk about it more on the drive tomorrow.
I don’t want to have these talks in the car with my 4yr old. I want to be talking about not copying everything his sister says because it drives her nuts.
I left it? .. her?… in the car while I took the boys to get hair cuts and ice cream. I kept worrying about her.. the keepsake…. (ok seriously thats like the worst name ever) .. getting hot since its metal. She’s burnt to ash.. but there you have it, the illogical thought process of a mom in month 5 of my “new normal”. I felt truly horrible about letting it get all heated up.
We got home and I opened up the blue crushed velvet box. I saw the words engraved.
Jennifer Lynn Kranz
The room started spinning .. I felt that now familiar sensation of anguish start to wash over me. So I quickly closed it and walked into the garage unable to fight the tears..telling the boys I was getting more juice. I couldn’t fall apart. I had force myself to a better state for my survivors.
…the past few days they have been survivors of my grief..
So I put those emotions in a box on a shelf.. much like we will do with our forever 6 yr old.. to visit at a later time. And I went outside and played in the water with the kids.
This is also truth in the life of a mom in month 5 of her new normal.
Now alone in a quiet house I take it out. I feel it cold in my hand.. its heavier than I imagined it would be. The engraving is deep and small. Its shiny.. I think she would like that. The back is sealed up with 2 screws. I imagined it would be a cork. I am glad I couldnt easily open it.
..and for some reason I shake it.
..she is in there. I hear her..
oh honey. i love you. i miss you. baby girl i am so sorry. oh honey.
I try not to think about it being dark in this little container..I try not to imagine it being my daughter in there.
but she is.
Jennifer Lynn Kranz