my heaven

Sometimes memories surprise me.. coming out of nowhere.. and sometimes they haunt me and I cannot let them go.

IMG_2058The other day I was driving to the post office, I realized I was on the drive I took daily to take her to kindergarten. . I used to go straight at the corner to get to her school… this time though I turned right to get to the post office to open a po box for a company I never wanted to start. Its right across the street from where her remains are now.. Just waiting for us to get her to bury her. I imagined running across the street and barreling through the door.. screaming her name.

I thought a lot about her Make A Wish trip and the guilt I have attached to it. How I feel like maybe she DSC_0280would have chosen something different. I helped them shape the trip. She loved her family and would want all of us together.. and she loved Disney and especially loved how she could easily eat gluten free safely there. So that was our trip.. a wonderful and foreshadowing week in DisneyWorld.

She was gone so quickly after it. I remember the night before we left realizing that she was having trouble swallowing.. I remember the worry I pushed aside writing this post. I am struggling against the sometimes consuming guilt wondering if she would have chosen something different..

I guess I will never know.. One thing I know for certain though is she would have had us all together. She loved being our daughter and loved being their big sister.

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I look at so many picture at night after I write this blog. So many thoughts come up.. The other night I looked at how happy she was in her Daddy’s arms.. at peace with a pure unbridled joy..I can’t help but think.. she’s in a better place ?!?!?. She was so completely comfortable in that moment with him.. She felt safe and carefree. She WAS safe and carefree. I look at those picture and can’t help but think that we are her heaven. .we are her perfect place..

or maybe thats just me..

maybe its just that she is a piece of my heaven ..My perfect has all my kids in it.

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I used to love to bake, love to take all these separate ingredients.. mix together, then bake and create something brand new and delicious. Making something that is now impossible to tell each of those separate ingredients apart.. complete.

Those four each a separate ingredient .. combined to create us.

Somehow though she was taken. What I thought was impossible… possible.

destroying what we had created.. and taking a little bit of all of us with her.

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…until there is a cure …

 

 

16 Responses to “my heaven”

  1. I had one thought after reading this. You did give her a little preview of heaven and yes she was safe and carefree. So when she went to heaven, I believe she would have felt ok, cos you already showed her what to expect. The same kind of love that surrounded her all her life surrounds her today. She is blessed to your daughter

  2. And you will get your heaven one day. Until then I think she is watching you and glowing with pride.

  3. looks like she had a pretty wonderful time with all of you. It is a magical place, and so was her life with you. sending heavenly thoughts to you and to Jennifer.

  4. We parents make decisions for our kids all the time; it’s our job. Helping shape her experience for Make A Wish: you knew what she wanted and what would make her happy. She may not have even known there were other options.

    You did make a heaven for her here on earth. You gave her the best life possible. Maybe *she* looks at photobooks of you guys when she’s not with you. <3

  5. I have read your blog from day one and I marveled at your strength. Every decision you and tony had to make for Jennifer was well thought out and only with her in mind. There was never a selfish thought,it was always about her. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She KNEW she was loved. Sending love and blessings to all of you.

  6. I have read your blog from day one and I marveled at your strength. Every decision you and tony had to make for Jennifer was well thought out and only with her in mind. There was never a selfish thought,it was always about her. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She KNEW she was loved. Sending love and blessings to all of you.

  7. Your words and your willingness to share your Jennifer with me pushes me to do more. It isn’t fair and downright SUCKS. I think about all 6 of you always. Hugs.

  8. I agree. We do make decisions for our babies and you chose the right one. You made that choice for a living child.

    I think your guilt comes from being cheated out of the time that was left. Meaning, you made the disney choice and probably still thought you had a few months to squeeze a few more things in. Would you have still made that choice knowing that you had even less time? I venture that giving her the 6 year old a dream vacation says that you were catering to her 6 year old healthy self. Death was probably still a future thing and not so in your face. I read those posts and it was a fantastic, fabulous trip. Have no regrets on that one.

    There was no way to know how drastically cut short your time would be. You can’t look back with the knowledge of time you have now and think you should have made different choices. Jennifer is loved and she knew that. You did good. I am certain in her last weeks, hours, and breaths that she continued to feel loved and safe. There is nothing else you could have done.

  9. Tears and a huge lump in my throat. So sorry, Libby. I ache for you and your family. Big hugs and love to all 6 of you!!
    XO

  10. Sometimes, we find a new awareness when we examine the question we pose. What other Make-a-Wish trip do you think she would have chosen, had it not been Disney World? Why would she have chosen it?

  11. I can only imagine how many questions and second guesses you would have, having been given such a short and precious amount of time with your Jennifer. As parents we so often guide and make choices for our children. We use our love for them and our knowledge of them as our guide. Your love for your children and the depths that you know them is beyond measure. What an incredible mother you are. Sending you lots of love. You, Jennifer and your family are always in my mind and in my heart.

  12. I’m so sorry. There is no better place for her than to be in her family’s arms. She belongs in your arms. It’s not fair and not right that cancer took Jennifer away from you. I am sorry.

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