I am a jumble of stuff.. of emotions.. of thoughts..
Today I said to a friend “…taking care of 4 young kids.. ” then I stopped myself. I had to brace myself. Grip the edge of the kitchen counter to keep from doing what I wanted to do.. what my body was trying to do.
And then my friend said “you are. You are completely still a mom of 4 young kids.” And so we talked about it. How in so many ways my mind and heart are overcome with her more now than they were when she was alive.
I fear sleep now. I had my second dream of her that I remember. ..
dream.. i wish
I so desperately want her to come to me in my dreams. But not like this.. I want her freed from the nightmare images. I want her different than the ones I can’t erase from right after she died. .. and now this.
I woke up and it was so clear. Her suffering .. not able to see peoples faces. . Scared.
asking me to help her.
I want to connect with her.. But not like this.
I don’t think that it was as Jonathan says “the real her”. But that doesn’t seem to really make a difference to how I feel.. I couldn’t save her even in my dreams. And I don’t want to go back there again.
Only 2 times I can remember dreaming of her, both horrible nightmares. So I stay up and find things to do to keep me busy. Last night I remembered that there is a “other” box on FB.. I went back and answered messages from before she died. I know I can’t keep this up.. but I am just so scared to see her again.. like that.
…all my worst fears …
please don’t let it be true.
consuming me at night and I can’t do anything about it.
I know its not her. . . But I am so scared.
I believe she is happy and free. .. But I am scared
I have faith .. in God and heaven.. But I am scared.
I am really and truly just so scared.
…Until there is a cure…
27 Comments on dreams vs nightmares
Libby I am truly just so sorry. I cannot even imagine. I don’t think most of us readers can really imagine. I don’t think most of us readers really want to go to that place to even truly (in real truth) begin to imagine, because yes, like you…it makes us just so so scared.
Its weird how our subconscious mind works, you want good dreams but only get nightmares evenually you’ll have sweet dreams of beautiful Jennifer, it’s like now your mind races with every thought of her and how it was when she was alive, Libby it will get better in time. I believe your comment of raising 4 is a very true statement what your doing for Jennifer and Pediatric Cancer is your fourth child and in my eyes your still a family of 6, jennifer will live on and never be forgotten in my heart.big hugs for all of your beautiful family of 6…
When you talk about the fear I ache for you for so many reasons. At least the fear is real and you are not trying to fool yourself into believing it isn’t real. Dreams can be overwhelming when we try to put reason to them. In time, I pray for peace in your heart and soul. I don’t think Jennifer is ready to let go. She is in your thoughts and dreams…good or bad. But keep believing that there has to be a reason for Jennifer being taken from you before either of you were ready.you will always have 4 children because the soul/spirit lives on. We are hear to listen and try to console. Continued prayers for understanding and faith…until there is a cure. Hugs
I think it shows the face of your trumatic side of her disease, but I don´t think it is really her. I think that when she sends you a message, a feeling, you would really feel that is her. The nightmare you are talking about comes just from the part of your mind and your whole self trumatized for the experience of watching your baby go.
You have gone through that same thuoghts probably thousands of times by now..and you try to find an answer: what is she doing?. where is she? is she happy ? Is she OK? does she need me because she is scared? what If she is lonely? or If she misses her brothers and sister?—
where is she?…but you won´t get an answer in this life..however you will never stop wondering ..And when you leave your mind free, while asleep…that is where your mind goes, to the dark side..to your fears, to the questions you are not able to answer while been conscius. That is not her.
Libby we are not made to understand death.Watching your baby go is something that you´ll go over and over for years, and maybe every day of each year, and probably the first years, every hour of everyday. By the experience of a very close one who lost her boy at the age of 4, 44 years ago now, the pain never goes away, but it gets soofter because your mind will probably one day give up wondering the same questions over an over, by our survival instinc we get use to the idea that the questions that we want most to know the answers..will be never answered so we stop asking so often.
If I were you, If that were the case what I think I would do is: leave her room with her things as she left them: her toys, pyjamas,socks, covers, her night lamp,her crafts, and pencils, and pants…everything..just in case she shows up for a visit, any kind of visit.I would frame her pictures everywhere, so that any one coming into my house without knowing anything about my life would ask about her..now, and in ten years time. I would talk about jennifer, by name, in every conversation that reminds you about somehing she use to do, like, eat…That is what I would do. I would also say goodbay to her everytime I leave the house and hello everytime I come back in just like you do.To me it makes sense. I would do that for a simple reason: she is not gone, the fact that you can´t see her, or know where she is, doesn´t mean that she doesn´t know where you are, where her home is. So leave it for her, just in case she likes to come from time to time..she can stay. Come in and out and find always her place. Her place will always be at home, with you.
And in the meantime you have to keep leaving, because you have 3 other kids to make happy. I read once that faith sometimes is just making the next cup of tea..In fact life is just that..
Don´t be scared to keep wondering. Keep faith alive. Jennifer is not gone. She is with you.She knows where mom is.
This is so horrible and I am so very sorry. You are taking care of 4 children- always will. Not only that, but you are taking care of you and your marriage and that is a lot on any given day. I pray the dreams will come. xoxox
Im so sorry Libby. I hope she comes to you in a very different way in your dreams…peacefully, happy. You will always be a mother of 4..always. We love you all so much.
I am so sorry my friend, that you are having nightmares of your sweet JLK. I hope and pray that you no longer have nightmares and only have sweet pleasant dreams of Jennifer. You will always be a mother of 4! God Bless you Libby! Still praying and thinking of the Kranz family….daily. So much love4JLK until there is a cure xoxoxoxo
It isn’t the real her…Jonathan is so right. It is your own fears of how much she suffered and not being able to do anything to stop it that you are experiencing. I hope when the real her visits, she lets you know that everything is ok. That’s what I pray for when I pray for your family.
Dear Libby, you are covered in prayer. God, please bless Libby with peace. Heal her heart and mind, and give her rest. Amen
I’m so sorry, and I wish I could help.
I understand. My 5yo son, Dashiell, left us on 6/17/13 from a rare peds cancer. It has been a year frought with extreme heartbreak that manifests during wake and sleep.
I am so sorry you are living this nightmare
Oh Libby, I’m so sorry. I’m praying that you have many happy dreams coming your way filled with Jennifer. As always, sending lots of love to all 6! Of you!!!
It is so normal to have bad dreams about someone who has died especially in a horrible way like Jennifer which gave you feelings of helpfulness. I am praying for you as you go through this experience. One day you will have dreams of your beautiful healthy Jennifer again but that doesn’t often happen right away. You are still so close to the trauma and death and I know from experience that you just need to go slow, take one day at a time and you’ll get there even if sometimes you have to crawl on your knees. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and bring her back but as I can’t think the only thing I know to do is to keep lifting you to our Father in Heaven who loves us more than we can comprehend. And you are for sure still a mom of four, you will forever be Jennifer’s mommy xxx
Sending so much love your way.
So heartbroken for your family:(. I pray for gentle angel kisses and sweet dreams of your precious baby girl. Prayers and tears for your family
Maybe it’s the DIPG Cancer (the devil) and you are doing so many wonderful things for research and fundraising and maybe the cancer is coming to you in your dreams so that you will be scared and stop trying to find a cure, but don’t let him win. Keep fighting, telling your story and make people aware. I didn’t know anything about DIPG and now I do and now I fight with you. One of these days that dream will truly be her and not cancer. Still praying- I will never stop!!
That’s awful, Libby. 🙁
This breaks my heart to feel your pain. Jonathon sees “the real her”, there is no doubt. Give yourself Grace. Your heart is broken, stress gives nightmares. I know everyone has their own beliefs and I’m not pushing anything on you, but a friend recommend a book to me during a low time in my life, it helped me immensely, The book of Angels by Sylvia Browne and The book of dreams, also by her. Life is hard, this world hurts. The words and prayers in that book always “recharges” my spirit and faith. Keep the white light of the Holy Spirit in your thoughts when you feel afraid. I will continue to send prayers to Heaven for guidance. Hugs.
Praying for sweet peaceful dreams Libby. You are right in believing that your nightmares are not her. Hold on hard to that faith.
I didn’t at first get that forever 6 didn’t only mean her age but also the number of members you will always have in your family. I really liked what your husband said in his post, how mentioning a dead child might make someone uncomfortable for a minute, but since your have a lifetime of grief, who gives a…. Ie don’t feel guilty, go with what makes you feel most at ease, a place you are struggling to reach.
You blog so much of your guilt, what you might have or should have done differently. Even guilt about feeling better, even for but brief moments. And your constant fear that she experienced fear. Frankly, with your mind still in such chaos, I would be (pleasantly) surprised to hear you had calm(ing) dreams. Even while you sleep you are trying to sort through and understand. That’s you, that’s not her. Do you remember sleeping badly before big exams or a presentation? This is that times a million.
If you can feel her, my belief is that it would come to you differently, maybe more in that state in between wakefulness and sleep. I have no doubt you have such magic to look forward to.
I saw this as a phone case and thought of your JLK. <3
She looks like an angel in that last picture. Like you can see her aura, her glow, almost a translucent sparkle of white light.
Praying God’s Word over you, Libby…. With love and faith in the One Who promises to never leave your side.
“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.” (Psalm 4:8)
“You can go to bed without fear; you will lie down and sleep soundly.”
Lord Jesus, let this be so for Libby. Amen.
It doesn’t seem fair that sleep won’t let you relax and reach some calm from the hardships of the day. Any message from her would be loving; this can’t be it.
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