reflex

I feel like I am circling  the drain right now… my muscles tightened and ready to snap. .. surviving only as a reflex.

Its like so much is hitting at the same time. Tony being back at work was the least of it actually. I did ok with it. Set little goals like getting our laundry washed and put away accomplished.. I missed him like crazy. He has been my best friend for years… but we are now connected in a way I can never put words to. The infinity symbol comes to mind though.. I worried for him. How he is going/feeling… and how worried I am sure he is for me.

Since he knows…

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**first mothers day**

So much will come to a head for me in a few days. My first time speaking. I hope I will do well. I hope I can be a asset in this way to the fight against pediatric cancer…. Then is mothers day. A holiday we fought like hell to celebrate. One that I have been so proud to be able to join the ranks to be honored on it.. Followed the next day by our baby turning one and the 3 month date for my eldest being gone.

I was so sure she would make it to May 12th. I had completely counted on her being her to see Charlotte turn one. Not that there was any good in her prognosis.. but I did count forward on the calendar and saw she would be here to celebrate with us..

It was going to be a epic birthday party. One to celebrate a lifetimes worth of birthdays..

.. . I’ve nothing planned.

So glad there is Amazon so Jonathan and I could buy her a present.

 

I got a lot of notes about how happy I look in yesterdays picture..I went back today and looked at it. A smile is an amazing thing.

..whatI have learned is it can be much more of a reflex than an emotion.

All I can do is hope that trying to be present and happy with them is enough.. until happy starts to fill in the cracks.

We snuggled watching a show today. Then we got up to try and do the moves they were telling us to do during the kids commercial break…it was a song for another cartoon and we were supposed to be up and moving.. so we were. Then a commercial for another show came on.. for a show that features a band.. I bought tickets for us and one of her best friends and her mom.. It should have been her first concert.. first and only..

Unfortunately she was too busy dying..13301588943_420c6ea3f5_b

I remember at the time feeling like I had jinxed it.. that by buying tickets and banking on a being able to do something a few weeks later I made her take such a steep downhill turn.

I had totally forgotten about the whole thing.

Til that damned commercial.

It had been such a hard day. A lot of tears for me and finally I was at least acting better… allowing my motherly reflexes to take over..

And one thing pops up and changes it all. Those moments are the worst. As another bereaved mom described it .. its like a rake to the face. You don’t see it coming and then it just whacks you.. hard and fast. .. square in the face.

I set 2 goals for myself today. Get through mine and Tonys laundry and have the house clean when Tony comes home. Both done.. boxes checked. (dinner was brought by a friend that helped tremendously… it always does) I have fallen so far… 2 simple tasks make me feel accomplished..

yet still what I should be accomplishing I am falling flat. My reflexes aren’t strong enough to react to the looming threat.. pain.. danger..

My beautiful barely a baby anymore baby girl. My only daughter that I get to touch .. Nothing for her birthday. The thought of planning something breaks my heart.. the thought of doing nothing breaks my heart.

She was supposed to be here. I was so sure of it. And please don’t say .. .

“she will be”

I get it.. but its just not good enough.

Tonight I need to drown in it.. be so so heartbroken that she isn’t here…won’t be here.. Moments like this.. I feel so overwhelmed with failure.. I couldn’t save her.. and I can’t protect them … my 3 living kids are suffering and I can’t really do anything about it.

So tonight I put reflexes aside. True emotion rules.

I cry . I grieve. With my whole body.

… for her whole body.

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47 Responses to “reflex”

  1. For your whole body, for both of yours, I wish you peace, even just for a split second tonight in the midst of what you are feeling.<3

  2. Libby, whatever you can do right now is enough. You have an amazing group of family and friends that will make sure Charlotte has a great birthday. Take care of yourself. Let others do the rest. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are amazing. Go do it! Right now! You are something else woman! You are so damn AMAZING!

  3. The last picture on this blog is so damn cute. She was a special girl…..is a special girl! It shines thru in her photos. Keep the faith, keep the hope.

  4. Your blog is just heartbreaking and never fails to make me grateful and humble for my life even I have fought cancer twice. I am LUCKY… It was me not my child.

  5. It’s not fair. I join you in crying for her, you, Tony, and your 3 living munchkins.
    Praying for you all.

  6. The great thing about first birthdays is we don’t remember ours. Charlotte won’t either, so maybe keep it simple? Cake, a balloon, a present (yes, thank God for Amazon!), and her family. That is all a one year old would care to have. Maybe think of a way to honor Jennifer at all future birthday parties, kind of like a new tradition? Sending balloons up, releasing a butterfly, having a dance party, I don’t know. Just throwing ideas out there! Be kind and gentle with yourself. We can all see through your pictures and words that you are a great mom, trying her best for her three youngest kids, and they will appreciate all you did for them someday when they look back at this dark time. Prayers for all 6 of you!

  7. libby, sometimes we just have to give in to those intense, gut-wrenching crying times. Otherwise, we’d explode. The grief is not just for Jennifer, it’s for lost dreams and innnocence and futures. It will get better.

  8. Just sending you all love as I do every day….but more so right now. We honored JLK at the relay for life in my new town Chowchilla (I’m from Gilroy) on Saturday. It was beautifully heartbreaking. I’m just so sorry.

  9. I wish Jennifer was here too..with all my heart. We love her, we love you and Tony and the kids. We love you all ♡

  10. No words…just tears! I’m praying for you my friend, I don’t know you but I think of you as a friend! Someday we will meet and I’ll give you a big hug & tell you that I love you! Until then…prayers.

  11. I will be thinking of your these next few days…sending you prayers and positive thoughts. I love throwing parties and would love to help if you need it 🙂 You are enough, Libby.

  12. I have no advice, no glib words. Just love. And grace, to feel whatever you feel, for as long as you feel it. We all feel it with you and for you, Libby. And it “Hoovers” (my family’s word when something really sucks big time). Nowadays it should probably be “Dysons.”

  13. Can’t comfort you with words that I dont have or cant find. You are dealing with so much and having 3 other children is good for you. It pushes you to do things that have to be done. They are young and they know something is different and they know that you are sad because so are they. Don’t be hard on yourself you are doing the best you can and everyday it will be just a tidbit better. I wish I could say something that could take your pain away but all I can do is pray and send you hugs. You and your family are in my prayers.

  14. I wouldn’t expect you to feel anything other than how you do.. Your precious girl has been taken from you and there was nothing that you could do! My God your whole world has been turned upside down and your heart has been ripped from its chest… And yet you love and protect and cherish your family in a way that only a warrior mum can! You are amazing and so courageous.. Anything you do for Charlotte will be wonderful just being around her and loving her is wonderful especially at a time like this … Embrace your feelings.. Your grief … It’s the only way you will heal.. We love you sweet mama xx

  15. Much love sent your way Libby and yes Jennifer will be there with you on Mothers day in your heart and in your memories she’s always there. 4 ever in my heart JLK 4 ever 6

  16. I knee you don’t know me but I read daily. I live in Gilroy also and would love to make a birthday shirt for your little one if you would like. I also have a ton of birthday decorations from my daughters 1st birthday. It was little mermaid theme. Please email me if I can make a shirt and if you would like to use the decorations.

  17. My heart breaks… I stop breathing when I read your words. So much anger and sorrow and so many prayers from me to you.

  18. Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts to you over the next few days. You’re very strong and an amazing person. XO

  19. You know, in looking back (I’m a grandma now),
    I don’t understand why I and others put so much pressure on ourselves to do grand things for the birthdays, especially for those early years when the kids barely remembered them, other than through pictures. One thing I’ve learned through being close to many families (as a teacher) is that kids think their birthdays are special no matter how they’re handled. The best idea I ever heard was from a mom who said that each year, there is one big event (party, trip, etc.) for one kid – and that rotates. On off-years, the child gets a special dinner at home with family, presents, etc. Another wise idea was from a family where each child chose what they wanted to do for his birthday and that was the ONE thing done. In other words, none of this three-different events kingbird thing. If the relatives came to dinner, that was the one thing. If the party was on a weekend and the child’s birthday was on a Tuesday, everyone said Happy Birthday and maybe there was ice cream for dessert that night. Or maybe the child got the family gifts that night.
    In my own case, I was so busy doing fancy parties when the kids were little, that I was completely burned out when they were older (probably when it might have mattered more). Anyway, my advice is to keep it very simple. You will be more comfortable and your kids will be perfectly happy! Keep it up. We’re all behind you. Love to all six.

  20. Tears. Your words…I feel like I touch them. Your grief…I feel that too. And so I pray…for you to feel some comfort. It’s all I have to give. Wishing I could help more…

  21. Tears. Still here. I lived on your street for the last 8 months.
    I don’t know you or met you yet, but I love you. And I love Jennifer. You are so strong and so brave and an amazing person, wife and mother. sending you love and comfort.

  22. Hurting for you. Keeping you in my prayers…for strength and peace. No pressure over the birthday Libby…sometimes its a bigger deal to us than it is to them at such a young age! Sending you love…

  23. I wish so much that Jennifer could be here still. I’m so very sorry. I pray for your family often…all 6 of you. I’m so sorry for your pain. So incredibly sorry.

  24. You have a wonderful extended family that can plan a party big or small. Let them… Big hug.

  25. I always want to reply to your posts, but I can never find the words. There are no words. It just shouldn’t be….and I am so sorry it is.

  26. Thinking of you this weekend for Mother’s Day. I don’t know you personally but I live in Livermore and read your words everyday. You are an amazing Mother and deserve a wonderful Mother’s Day. Your strength inspires me. Saying a special prayer for you and your family this weekend!

  27. I have been reminded of a song by Bruno Mars it is “YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE”. Everyday remind yourself. I am always thinking of your family. I have heard that “It takes a village to raise a family” I am so glad you have a village. lots of Love

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