sick

Sickness.. another post death milestone we are in the midst of.

Nicholas got sick. No idea what it is.. and Charlotte seems to be suffering also… though very differently.

He is way better today..

Last night was child loss support group. My sister and her family had our 3 littlest kids. We me up at a fast food joint afterwards. Tony and I had already eaten.. . actually its one of the best parts of group.. our dinner date afterwards.. At dinner he was sitting on my nephews lap looking more and more tired and out of it.

Then came the look .. I grabbed him and rushed him to the bathroom, I thought he was going to throw up. He didn’t. That moment. That look he had… it was like being in a elevator with the lines cut.. I dropped right back to remember her incessant throwing up.. Bag after bag.. knowing what each noise and twitch meant.. looking and listening for it to happen.. and the one time she ate and didn’t throw up.

I knew it did it for Tony too. I knew we both felt the memory tighten around us.. our bodies stiffening and pulling us into ourselves.

And we both got scared.

That once was only a Tony thing.. he is the bigger “take them to the dr. for a cold” parent in our relationship.. Our tough guy really felt sick and seemed out of it.. at one point he was starting to get a fever but also twitching from the cold. . If my sister hadn’t been there to check him out I think we would have freaked and taken him to the ER. ..

…this is one of those ways I have changed that I dont like so much. I know too much. And as much as I would like to beleive that since we lost one we could never lose another..  I know its not the truth. And the thought terrifies me. Its why I am trying to be sure to take even more close up pictures….

…my 3 living children.

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and asking what they want to get their daddy for fathers day a month in advance..

just in case.

Driving home more memories flooded back in. I remembered her getting sick on our last day in Disneyland.. . then a lot on our Make A Wish trip.

I remembered her getting sick all the different times from gluten.. . and now how much I will always wonder if maybe it was the tumor..even though i know logically it couldn’t be.. I cant seem to convince certain pieces of me to fully believe that.

Then I realized she was our only kid that ever really threw up.. ***knock on wood** And that actually our kids never really got sick. They got colds but we have rarely even had fevers. I can vividly remember the one time Jennifer had a high one..until the last one

… the one that she got hotter than I could have ever imagined a human could get. .

I went to Nicholas in the middle of the night last night .. after nursing the baby … she was up a lot too just not feeling well.. He had a fever. His poor little body was hot. When I picked him up and held him..

his cheek brushed mine..

I thought I was going to pass out.

I was no longer in that room. No longer in that moment with him.13301414795_7e55d1ddea_b

I was with her.

February 12th.. .

84 days ago..

I was gripping him. Tears falling.

Remembering the heat that came off of her sweet face. The sound of her breathing.. The smell in the room. For the first time is about 83 days I think I remembered what it felt like to hold her. ..

I miss that memory.. of the weight of her in my arms..

but that time isnt the one I was to jump back in… I want the good ones.. the way she locked her legs around my waist… the IMG_0525way she jumped into my arms when I picked her up from those few weeks of kindergarten.. the way she threw her head back and laughed when I put her in the baby carrier…

Why is that? Why cant I remember the way she felt?

.. well other than when she was dying in my arms..

I keep hoping its still the shock of her death that is blocking the memories… Today is 12 weeks.

12 weeks.

Still in shock. And I knew she was going to die. This surprises me.. but I know its real. Today I talked with another bereaved mom.. that I had talked with her Dad and told him Jennifer had died. She said she was sorry..  she knew how hard it was to say those words.

its not.

Like really not at all.

It simply does not feel like I am talking about my daughter.. . bits of reality… sometimes a overload of it,  doesn’t creep in until after tucking Charlotte in and telling her stories of the pictures of sissy in her room ..  kids and husband in bed. .. computer open on my lap..

Then it’s not just the words my daughter is dead.

It’s my truth.

my.

daughter.

is.

DEAD.

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45 Responses to “sick”

  1. Libby your words are so powerful, I wish I could bring Jennifer back into your arms, I lay here every night praying so hard for you and your beautiful family, my love to you Libby

  2. I believe it’s still shock. In July it will be 2 years. Feels like 2 months. Even now, even after 600 plus days, it hasn’t hit me. I’m not sure if it ever will. Maybe we can pray for each others clarity. Love ya, Sarah

  3. Speechless , praying for you Nicholas, baby Charlotte and all your loving family. Lots of love from far away

  4. Your photos of N, C, and J (and of course JLK) are so pretty. I am going to go photograph my children right now.

  5. Sending you love Libby. I still read your words. Everyday- first thing in the morning. There’s gonna be good days and bad days. We all love and support you regardless. We all miss her on account of you and your family. I think all of our hearts ache with some posts, but some allow us to watch you on this journey and we see moments of healing too.

  6. I am so sorry Libby. I wish so much she was here with you. I think about Jennifer, you Tony and the Kids every single day. You are in my heart my prayers and my thoughts every single day. All my love to every single one of you everyday and always. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  7. I hope that your littles will feel better, soon! Sending lots of love and hugs. I’m so sorry you’re having to experience all of this. So heartbreaking. XO

  8. I am still hear reading, praying, spreading the word…aching for you…all 6 of you. Sending hugs and support.

  9. Thinging of you every day. Each night when I hold my 4 year old in my arms, I try and think of your words and how special it is to hold him in my arms. Tears inevitably come as I think of you and your pain and pray that each day will get more manageable.

  10. The other night I was laying in bed holding my daughter. I thought of you and Jennifer. My little girl just turned six, I find myself looking at her eyes often trying to see if she might have DIPG like Jennifer did, maybe I am just paranoid, but if it could happen to you it could happen to me. I cried the other night thinking about how it would be if I lost her, how it is for you after the death of Jennifer. She’s not my oldest, she’s my youngest. I always think about Jennifer her tan, and her sweet brown eyes, then I think of the other three. Blonde hair blue eyes fair skin. They are all so beautiful. Your family is never far from my thoughts. ~Crystal~

  11. A day does not go by that I don’t think of you and your family and most of Jennifer, I find myself talking to her and making sure she’s Ok and i tell her not to worry we are all trying to make sure mommy will be Ok, it gives me a since of peace. Even though we’ve never met I still feel the loss and pain you go through I miss her to. Libby I just want to Thank you again for sharing sure an amazing beautiful Angel with us. .Jennifer will never be forgotten and always in our hearts.. Much love for all of you. .4 ever 6

  12. It’s not just you…every night I nurse my baby to sleep and hold him a minute longer to feel his weight in my arms. I desperately try to remember what it felt like to hold my others like that, it breaks my heart that I can’t recall.

  13. I often come by & read your blog, wondering what a stranger like me could say to help. I know in reality the answer is nothing & your posts are a way of remembering your beautiful little girl. I really just wish I could give you a big hug & tell you I’ve seen the other side of the heartache in my family & she’ll always be with you. I hope you find little moments of peace with Happy memories, that eventually turn into bigger moments of peace. Only 12 weeks have gone by & although it may seem like a lifetime, you have every right to feel & think the way you do. {{HUGS}} I hope your kiddos gem better soon.

  14. I wish I can come here more often and provide you comfort. Your words are so honest and ring true. What your going through is our version of PTSD and it hasn’t gone away for me, even almost three years later. Sending you much love Libby.

  15. Everything you say Jennifer did, is my daughter to a tee. The leg locking while holding her, the throwing head back moves, the running and jumping…my heart hurts so bad for you! I don’t even have words-to express my heartache…Again, I am so very sorry…so, so sorry…

  16. I haven’t posted any replies lately cause the right words fail me. But please know you are in my thoughts daily and not just from reading the blog. Jennifer is all around in the songs I hear on the radio, in the laughter of the little girls around me, especially my own daughter, in the beautiful blue skies and in the rainy ones. I’m so incredibly sorry for what has been taken away from you. Thank you for still writing and allowing us a glimpse into your journey. Sending you so much love and prayers.

  17. Continuing to be grateful you share your heart with us. Love from a faraway stranger, who thinks of you every day. ❤️

  18. HEAVEN’S CHILD

    SHE’S IN THE SUN,
    THE WIND, THE RAIN.
    SHE’S IN THE AIR YOU BREATHE
    WITH EVERY BREATHE YOU TAKE.
    SHE SINGS A SONG OF HOPE AND CHEER,
    THERES NO MORE PAIN, NO MORE FEAR.
    YOU’LL SEE HER IN THE CLOUDS ABOVE,
    HEAR HER WHISPER WORDS OF LOVE,
    YOU’LL BE TOGETHER BEFORE LONG,
    UNTIL THEN LISTEN FOR HER SONG.

    TIGHT HUGS AND CONTINUED PRAYERS

  19. Libby, I think of you and your family every single day. I am at a loss for words. I always feel that way after I read a post from you, but feel like its better to write and tell you that I am at a loss for words than to never write you at all. I hope that makes sense. Sending you strength and love. – Ash

  20. My heart hurts for you. All I can do is read, pray, raise money and awareness. I wish I could do more, I wish I could bring her back. I’m so sorry.

  21. sick to my stomach…eyes burning…wish it was a different reality. I’m so sorry fate twisted in this despicable, awful way, and I wish I could change it.

  22. Your blog is open on my phone and I refresh it every day to read what you courageously share with all of us. I never know what to say, there’s nothing I can contribute to ease your pain.but please know there is yet another stranger across the country thinking of all of you every day. I hope you feel that in some way. Much love to you and the others posting here that lost a child.

  23. Libby–I’ve been reading your blog for a while now but this is my first time posting. My heart breaks for you daily and i think about your family often. You have inspired me to have more ‘yes’ moments throughout the day. I want to commed you for continuing to nurse Charlotte through this entire tormentuous period. It’s hard en

  24. Got cut off above–meant to say that it’s hard enough nursing a baby with older kids around. But to have nursed her during those last few months of Jennifer’s life, during radiation and all the ups and downs of your rollercoaster experience. Seriously, kudos to you. And what a nice way for Charlotte to be bonded and connected to you during these difficult times. Big hugs to you mama

  25. I’m so sorry it hurts so bad . I’m so sorry Nicholas is sick . I’m so sorry Jennifer is dead. I’m so sorry that I can’t help you make it alright 🙁

  26. Oh Libby, I am so sorry. So sorry there is no way for us to ease your pain… so sorry you have to go through all of this. I dont know what more to say and offer other than my love and prayers. Always sending you so many prayers. Ihope your sweet Nicholas is feeling better soon xoxo

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