mommy

We leave tomorrow for our trip…hopefully. Car troubles tonight.

Nothing a little duct tape can’t fix though! ..yikes

.. . wish everything was that simple.

Its almost midnite for us. Just got the kids all into bed.. long night. But lucky to have my sister and nephews watching the 2 little ones and another nephew helping Uncle T as they call my husband with our car.. We have always talked about how great all of our nieces and nephews are.. how we hope to raise kids like my siblings are. Our kids all have at least one older cousin as a godparent..some of them have cousins as both god parents.

All so healthy too… I always thought with this many kids, baby Charlotte is #21, that we were bound to have somebody with a major issue. Figured it would be us…

. .thought it already was…Thought my infertility and her celiacs was it. Thought that was our “big medical drama” for our extended family.

Cancer never came into my mind. One of mine dying was never even on the radar.

Constant minor hiccups throughout the day.. meltdowns.. broken bottles of juice…lost shoes… organizing years worth of clothes to stumble upon one more bag.. nothing major but it frayed our nerves. We need to get away. Card games, movies and business plan packed up.

My parents will be watching our kids here. Hopefully good bonding time for all of them. .

except that a skunk just fouled up our yard…Hope that dissipates soon..

Support group was tonight and we were invited to bring a picture of our child. I pulled out a ton for Tony to go through. He cried looking through them. I didn’t. Looking at her pictures is one of my most cherished parts of doing this blog.. .

I get to visit her every night so it doesn’t have the same impact on me as it does him.

Jonathan met with his therapist. Before we left he got very nervous.. saying he had been kidding he wanted to go back to his old person. In the end we had to drag him out. Only thing she shared with us is that he played with the puppets and they all took a bite of the chair and died… they were allergic to chairs.

.. insert parents over thinkingggggggg NOW.

Is it due to her celiacs? Though I never referred to it as a allergy since its not. Or is it because he is getting allergy testing? ..

. .. or just random musings of a 4yr old.

IMG_4173Afterwards we took him out for dinner. His first buffet and the only time, other than when we took him to Starbucks to begin the “your sister is dying”  conversation, that he has had both of us alone.  I think he genuinely enjoyed that. But love that he is, he wants to bring Nicholas along next time.

Then back to working on the car (we had borrowed my nephews to get the therapy sessions)

A friend of mine will be having her baby soon. I was supposed to be in the room with her. I was so excited. This should be what my life is all about now…not just focused on survival..

I love labor and delivery. So did Jennifer. I had a photographer there for the births of her siblings. She LOVED to watch the DSC_0271slideshows.

Thought about it on the drive home. Another thing I feel like I have lost.. I can’t be there for my friend. ..and now writing this it hit me. . .

when we would talk about her having a baby I asked her if I could be there with her.. I may have even made her pinkie swear on it. She never will experience it. I won’t get to witness this girl who was born to be a mother become one..I don’t think I ever really realized that… That I am losing out on that moment with her. I was never too concerned with picking out her wedding dress one day.. though of course I would have loved it.

What we dreamt of together was that moment.. of pain and euphoria.. holding her baby for the first time. No matter how they come to you its all the same emotions. To get to witness her lifes potential come to fruition…

How dumb is that? Create a girl with incredible mother potential and take her at 6.

…she would have been the best mommy.

>>Jonathan<<JLK (almost 2)
>>Jonathan<<JLK (almost 2)

DSC_0511

>>>nicholas<< JLK (3yrs)
>>>nicholas<< JLK (3yrs)
>>Charlotte<<JLK (5yrs)
>>Charlotte<< JLK (5yrs)

 

 

 

 

54 Responses to “mommy”

  1. I so hope you are able to somewhat allow yourself to enjoy this well deserved, much needed trip… you and Tony. I know this friend of yours that is close to being ready to deliver and we have had several beautiful conversations. I promise you Libby, she understands. She feels and knows your pain. Difficult for the both of you….but she DOES know it would be much to hard…..

  2. What a sweet, loving, beautiful girl. You can tell how much she and her siblings adore each other. It really is amazing. <3

  3. Beautiful pictures of JLK with her siblings. Yes, she would have been an amazing mother. Your pictures show how quickly and strongly she cherished being a big sister.
    Thank you for sharing her with us. I am deeply saddened for your loss. I continue to pray and send so much love to your family.

  4. What a beautiful little mommy! Jennifer is so much wiser beyond the years! Such precious pictues. Sending so much love to you and your family! Always!

  5. Praying that this time away is restful and a time for the two of you to connect on many levels. I believe she is in heaven, helping to mommy all of the kids there.

  6. *In tears*

    I am happy you are getting away… be who you need to be on your trip… breath and have the space to just “be”.

  7. Jennifer is amazing. I can see with all the pictures how much she loves her brothers and sister. All my love to Jennifer and you and your family Libby ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  8. Do you ever think she was sent to you to be the glitter in so many people lives? To make people see more, want change?! Her light in every picture makes me think she has always been special, always had a way to make people open their eyes a bit bigger! Such an amazing little girl…

    Sending you lots and lots of good thoughts and positive energy <3

  9. Your words are so honest, so raw, so real, and I love you all, from faraway. So much love to you, Love, a friend you haven’t met yet

  10. Take this time away to just be. Be in the moment. Enjoy your husband. Your family is being cared for at home and Jennifer is always with you. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers. Love, joy and peace to you all.

  11. Skunks, broken juice bottles, car troubles: so unfair that these small problems still insert themselves. I wish you an incredible, bonding, reconnecting time away with your husband. Just to be able to talk freely will be a good thing. Much love to you, and good car karma (carma?). Stay in place, duct tape! xxooooooo

  12. Are you sure? If Jennifer were could talk to you, she would encourage you NOT to go to this birth?

    Wouldn’t this birth **just** be a healing blessing, a promise…. a moment…?

    I was a midwife for about ten years in the Bay Area (mostly Palo Alto to Gilroy), after my losses. Attending birth was one of my favorite blessings, a cherished moment that healed in ways I never expected, some moments came inside that room and some moments came months, years later.

    I hope your trip gives you what you need. I pray that this trip heals you enough to complete the path to your decision about attending this miracle.

    (there I go deleting again)

    1. I so agree with your words! Libby, I feel your words everyday, I love reading what you have to say, and feel so blessed to have found this, As I read about Jennifer, I can feel the love , and the angel she is! I can’t describe it, but I know for sure she came to change , change all of us for better! And as she is in Heaven (I believe) she can see you, she can feel your emotions, and since she is so special, with so much love and glitter and happiness thats what she wants to see ❤️, thank you for sharing your beautiful girl with us,thank you!

  13. I believe she is in heaven, mothering in her way there, sheparding the smaller angels. Of course, you want her to be a mother here instead of in heaven, that is a given. I know for me, I picture my brother and my father in law doing the things they loved on earth in heaven. Those visualizations help me feel connected and are a comfort to me. I also meant to say from yesterday that I believe a mom like you, wielding a glitter dusted sword, can achieve great things. Not the least of them is inspiring everyone who reads your blog to take action against childhood cancer in our own way.

  14. Who really knows what goes on in heaven, but if it’s loving in the truest form as I believe it to be, JLK has her arms full of babies who also got taken too soon. <3

  15. Usually when I look at your pictures I smile cause she is just so darn cute.These made me cry don’t exactly know why.It makes me mad that she was taken away from her brothers and sister.I bet she is doing a lot of mothering in heaven.I hope you and Tony enjoy your time together as best as you can.Continued Prayers.

  16. What wonderful pictures, and memories of your sweet girl. I hope you are able to enjoy your weekend with Tony and Charlotte. Sending you lots of love and continued prayer.

  17. Goodness must attract goodness…..because your beautiful blog seems to attract the most beautiful thoughts from other people…..Just as I love what you write Libby, I love the loving comments about Jennifer and heaven, and it is beautiful to see how much people care.

    I hope you have a great trip. So smart to be doing that.

  18. Safe travels to you and Tony. I hope this is an opportunity for you to reconnect and be able to enjoy each other.

    Hugs,

    Vanessa

  19. I have been reading your blog for weeks. I’m not sure what to say but my heart breaks for you. You and your husband sound a lot like myself and mine. I’m sorry this has happened. I wish I had better words to offer. I’ll pray for you whenever I can.

  20. I believe also that she is the best mommy in heaven and she learnt that from you…. God how I love your sweet girl and I haven’t even had the pleasure of meeting her… Though through your kindness and sharing I feel like I had…thank you …. Prayers for you always xx

  21. I adore your photos Libby! Jennifer melts my heart. Thanks for sharing such special human being, your Glitter Princess.

  22. I hope this trip is what you need and you get out of it what you want. Take care, try to be kind to yourself and to Tony. I’m sending, everyday, thoughts of peace to you. I hope sometimes you can feel all the love so many people are sending you, and that it helps in some small way.

  23. I hope you and Tony try to escape and have a few laughs and smiles away. Have some time together even if it’s just a walk holding hands. Thanks for sharing all your incredible blogs and allowing us into your life and heart 🙂 xoxo

  24. With Jonathan, try not to get too wrapped up in what he’s saying right now. Allergies could be on his mind from his recent testing, or it could be on his mind because someone on Sesame Street had allergies. I’m happy to hear he’s talking about death at all. Means his little mind is using the tools it has (the tools any bright 4 year could have) to process everything. And that’s all positive for him. She was J, N, and C’s second mama, after you, and she got to experience that level of love and care. I hurt too that she won’t get to be a mama herself, but I’m so so happy that she got to pour all of her love and compassion into your younger 3 while she was here. What a cherished, special thing they will all carry with them for the rest of their lives. A special piece of Jennifer that no one else on earth knows.

  25. Why does my heart ache so badly for a child I have never known? When I read your blogs I have a huge lump in my throat, you bring Jennifer back to life for me, as if she never left this world. I’m angry! I don’t understand why, but I do know that this is the only time I have been committed to joining a cause to make a difference.
    I want to see in my lifetime, a drastic change in pediatric cancer research. So I will continue to read and follow your lead Libby. Because this is the first time it will really means something to me.
    I don’t want to ever know of another child losing their battle with cancer. And I will never forget and stop feeling the loss of your beautiful daughter.

  26. My heart breaks eveytime I read your blog. I’m here on your glitter squad as long as it takes to make a difference! You know I was thinking about her the other night and about you saying she would’ve been such a great mom and then I thought she is probably up there in heaven right now being a mother to all those beautiful babies who have passed on too soon. I’m sure she is great at mothering them just as she was with your Jonathan, Nicholas & sweet Charlotte. I hope you and tony have a great trip!

  27. Libby, take comfort in knowing that JLK is up there in Heaven being the BEST EVER little mommy and big sister to all those babies that had to leave their families ever too soon, just as she was here on Earth. >j<

  28. I definitely believe JLK is still mothering her siblings from heaven…with beautiful glittering wings. I also like a few others who have commented before believe in the afterlife…not because death scares me or I just “need” to hang onto something, no…it is because I have experienced firsthand the unexplainable. I wish I could make sense of it, I wish I could talk about my experiences openly without sounding like a total nutcase…but trust me, death does not scare me because I know what happens after. Life goes on! We don’t just vanish into thin air…the soul remains, even our personality, appearance.

    Anyway…I didn’t choose to live like this and see/hear what a lot of people say is not impossible…it just is what it is.

    I say it with conviction…Jennifer has not left you, just her body has. <3

  29. I really feel you should go to the birth…I think it would mean a lot to your friend and to Jennifer. I feel like you might really regret not being there in the future…honoring her memory by being there for something so beautiful seems like a wonderful idea. Don’t punish yourself but not enjoying the beauty of this life.

  30. I hope your much needed trip allows you a moment to breathe and possibly enjoy a laugh together that doesn’t make you feel guilty afterwards. You deserve time to yourselves, to connect, or just be. Thank you for taking us on this journey with you – you have opened up eyes to the darkness of pediatric cancer but also to the intense love and compassion of family. You spread awareness and knowledge every time you write. You are truly one amazing family! Hugs and prayers for you.

  31. Today my 7 year old son came home from school with glitter on him from art…. And my first thought was JLK. You and Jennifer have made an impact on me for sure.

    God Bless from the East Coast.

    Jen

  32. Sweet baby girl. Amazing sister, daughter, grand daughter, Niece , cousin… Any role she chose to take on, she owned it. I truly believe she ” owns it while dancing ” wherever she is right now. Xoxo

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