The rain returned today.
Before we left Tony dropped my car off at a local place to be looked it and then packed up his car.. We were a bit behind on our departure schedule.. but the bonus was I got to go for a run. In the pouring rain. I loved it. loved it! At the end Brave came on.. first time I have heard it on a run.. I kept going.. and dancing and smiled and belted that song out. Tony later told me he saw some other woman running in the rain and wondered if they had read my words about the wonderfulness that is running in the rain.. The way it feels to get soaked and keep moving under the additional weight and the way the sky looks foreboding yet beautiful and how the cold pelts you in the face and hurts and first till you grow numb to it and appreciate the wet.
Not sure if thats what this really is for us.. but can’t think of a different word to describe it. I enjoyed the time wiht Tony in the car. Listening to music.. and singing along…total comfortable silence and some good conversations. Charlotte was great. The only time she started to get fussy at all I gave her a box of mac and cheese to shake…settled her right down.. this girl loves her food.
On our drive we talked in part about what grief is like for us.. how it is a grief unlike any other. That we know we will never really get over it.. never truly heal and move on.. How so very scary that is for us.. . Its strange the expectations we feel within this world of child loss. We are learning though that we are not alone in it.. From talks we have together like today in the car and from support group and meeting other bereaved families.
First its that we “should be” curled up in a ball crying non stop.. not able to function. But we can… and then people see it and start to think we should be “getting over it” We never will though. There will always be hard days. Days that drag us back all the way back to the beginning.. Often those this grief is so personal that its done in private.. mine is unique I think.. Because its incredibly personal and private.. but I also share it through written word on a public forum.
..weren’t not even there yet though… this numb period.. new period is a honeymoon of sorts.. and its so terrifying.
For me, this pain can be so tortuous and cutting.. It can make my physically double over and feel like I don’t have the strength to stand. It can make me cry so loud I have to cover my mouth to stifle the sound and not wake up the house..
.. .then other times it feels foreign.. like I am in somebody else’s skin. It feels like I am reading somebody else’s story versus the one living it. There is really no in between for me right now. Numb and disconnect.. or torrential downpour.
and I am left with a feeling of craziness and disorientation.
It feels like I am denying her when its not absorbing…
I know its my mind shutting down because its simply too much.. if I was constatnly aware that this is real then the pain would grind me down.. turn me to dust. The wind would blow me over. ..
.. . rain would wash me away.
Although that is tempting.. .
Today on our trip I find myself thinking of her everywhere. I dressed her in Jennifers old clothes. She would have loved to have seen her little sister in this outfit. We would have giggled about how tight it is on Charlottes chunky thighs versus so loose on hers. We would have looked through pictures of her in it.. .
Charlotte is in Jennifers stroller. I push it.. and look at it and keep thinking I will look down and see Jennifer sitting in it..
Walking downtown I thought what shops she would be asking us to go into. We found a place to eat. I thought how easy it was to be able to just be out and eat. .. and of course regretted that thought immediately afterwards. Then we headed back to the car.
We were on the same side of the street as when we wandered to find the place to eat.. somehow we had missed this shop the first time around. .. we walked past it again.. but I stopped and looked back and walked back to take a peek. I called Tony in with me. There was a pastry with Charlottes name.. and then I noticed the meringues.. the ones that I saw in the window that made me want to turn around.. had a sign saying they are gluten free. . I cried. Just a little.. but right there in that store.
Walking to the car in the dwindling light of the setting sun I asked Tony why he thought I turned around.. was it her?
A generous friend offered this place for us to stay. Its a home. I wonder what she would think.. how much she would like tobe so close to the ocean.Charlottes pack n play in the bathroom here.. I keep remembering what it was like during radiation staying at Palo Alto with them.. ..my mind has wandered back to putting them to bed, Charlotte in the kitchen then.. in our little apartment..
. .. me and my girls.
That time was horrible in many ways. But it still holds so so many of my most cherished memories. I am so thankful for that time. The farther away it gets.. the more I realize how much it meant to me.. .rubbing her legs every night and talking .
I miss that. So much. Just simple moments with her. .. and it starts. . .
.. downpour of reality washing over me… through me..