only wish

I miss her so much. I can’t even find the words to explain it.

 

But I need to write. I cant see the screen but I have a compulsion to write.. .

this grief ….

my right now. its crushing.. .so overwhelming

It sucks the air out of the room and out of me.

I’ve always been able to power through things…even the seemingly worst of things. Because I knew I could find a way out. Find a way to turn things around.

If I just kept going…searching…pushing ahead..

I never can with this.

She is never coming back.

..never.coming.back.

I can’t make it happen. I can’t fix this.

She is gone. My heart feels like its being pulled out of my chest.

…please let her come back.

i know. tonight I really to my depths.

truth known. . .

know she can’t.

. . she won’t .

I’m not angry. I’m not mad.

I am empty…
I am destroyed.

I want to run and hide. But I need to share. Its just horrible. Even when she was sick…dying…. I thought I knew how hard it would be…

I had no idea. NONE.

I will never find the words to describe it..

my only wish is for my daughter not to be dead.

 

85 Responses to “only wish”

  1. As a stranger, feeling your emotions through your writings. Not knowing what to say to comfort you, but I am listening and praying with you.

  2. You are a constant in my heart Libby, I wouldn’t wish what you are going through on anyone. Every night I am praying hard that you get through another day. I am here for you as so many others are too, if you ever need anything please just know I am here for you in whatever you need.-love and prayers, Iona

  3. My heart hurts. And my whole body wills her to come back for you. Jlk is always in my thoughts, and will be immortal with your message for her. Childhood cancer and lack of treatment is unacceptable, and I am making a stand and fighting it with you and because of you! Wearing ribbons and bumper stickers are not enough!

  4. Libby, you want to run and hide. I just want to grab you and hug you tight….I have gone the last two nights tearless after reading….tonight those tears are back.

  5. Libby, great big hugs to you, seriously wish I could drive over and give you a real hug. Heart is broken for you.

  6. I wish that for you too… For every mummy out there that has lost their child from cancer or any awful heartbreaking reason.. This is the most horrendous thing that can happen to a human being it’s just not right… It’s not how it is meant to be.. Parents are supposed to go first and then they welcome us again when it’s our turn! I hurt for you so much I constantly think about you and I cry every time.. I took many years to fall pregnant and finally I gave birth to a beautiful little girl who is now 6 yrs old and lives everything that Jennifer does .. I try to imagine .. To try to understand your grief and I stop breathing I just can’t breath… I am so sorry … I wish I could do something but nothing will help. Your pain will disappear the day you hold Jennnifer in your arms again.. Till then your precious family will help you live a life where you learn to cope for your other children… Oh they love you so much!!! The other day I found a pendant and it said” some girls are born with glitter in their veins” I cried.. When I save some money is it ok if I send it to you? From my heart I would love to do this for you xx my thoughts and love and prayers are with you always .. From Australia xx

  7. My hearts aches with the thought of the grief and loneliness you are facing. You have no words to describe your grief… we have no words to truly express our sorrow for you. Its just unfair and wrong. We are here to support, to love, to help but we can’t do the only thing we all wish we could…. grant your wish.

  8. I am so sorry Libby! I wish so much for you Jennifer was still here. She will always be with you Libby. We love you ♡

  9. I wish that for you too. So much. You have all of my love Libby. All of it. I hope that you can somehow feel it surrounding you. Xx

    Many many prayers.

  10. Hang in there Libby..all these emotions are perfectly normal..it is still raw and will be for a while..We all hear you and we all wish we could take a little bit of your pain..but you will crawl out the other side..xx

  11. I’m not one to pray but I’ll wish for you…wish for every day. My heart just aches for you. You are a brave. And I love you for share your heart ache, the raw truth….

  12. I wish it too for you so desperately.

    It will never be fair, and it will never be okay that she is gone.

    I am so sorry.

    Thinking of you every day.

  13. Libby,

    Your heart will never be the same. Your not alone, you are all so loved. I really have no words I just wanted you to know how much I am thinking of your family all the time.

    Love, Ash

  14. Oh Libby, I pray this pain lessons for you and that your world is a little less dark each day! I wish we could all take just a little bit of it for you. Sending love, hugs and prayers!

  15. I wish there were the perfect words to ease your pain but all I can offer you is my wish for you to someday find peace,and comfort.

  16. I wish it for you and with you too! I beg God daily, becasue I know nothing is too hard for Him. Peace be with you today, Libby.

  17. I find myself compelled to write, to respond every day. But then I think “who am I? you don’t even know me”. But I don’t care. I am a woman, I am a mother. I understand the connection between a mother and a child. That should be enough and you don’t seem like the person to judge. So, my heart tells me to write if I want – to tell you I carry your heavy heart with me every day. From the other side of the country, I think about you and your family daily.

    I am so very sorry you are going through this. Each day you will find that you have weak moments and moments where you feel stronger, it’s all okay. I wish Jennifer was here in her physical form like you want her. But trust in your heart that she is here, just in a different way. I know that probably doesn’t help the hurt you feel, but let yourself trust in it and eventually it may help bring you peace.

    Sending love on this first day of spring.

  18. I’m so very sorry. I know that may be the last thing you want to hear. Sorry. Your new least favorite word. I read every blog, and through you I only feel the smallest fraction of your pain. A pain you should have never had to experience. Wether you know it or not this IS you pushing through. This IS you finding a way to make things better. There is no fixing this but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that light is JLK. She is waiting. But she has all the time in the world now to wait. She will be there when you get there <3 but now she is willing you to keep on pushing for her, to make a difference in childhood Cancer, the world has yet to see the difference you are going to make, because of her. So keep on pushing, for JLK, for your other sweet babies, but most importantly for yourself because you can accomplish this, changing childhood cancer as we know it. Thoughts and prayers Libby.

  19. Libby, my heart breaks for you every day. I wish there were some way to comfort you, but always know that we are here for you, sending love and prayers.

  20. I wish it too.

    I wish there was something to say or to do ease the pain you feel. So I’ll read everything you write to honor Jennifer and to bear witness to your pain. You aren’t alone, though you may feel that way at times. We are here.

  21. I wish my tears could take away some of the pain you are living!! I love you with out knowing you personally.. I pray for you and your family daily!! Much Love Libby!!!

  22. I pray you may find comfort and I stand behind you. My sadness over this turns into anger. Anger that our children and families are left powerless when we as a government have the means to work harder and do more. It is not acceptable that our government does so little and fails to protect our future by not providing more funds for research. People are not aware how little is given to find a cure. This is our fight. We must not allow this to happen. We all have a voice. We can do so much together. I read your blog because I stand by you, I pray for you and I will continue to fight with you and for all those who have been told their child has Cancer. We will make them listen. We will not be silent.

  23. No parent should have to mourn their child. I wish you weren’t going through this. Sending you love, strength and hope.

  24. Libby there are just no words that I could possible say to make all this better. I am a mother and I tell you that this has to be the worst thing anyone could go through in a life time. Loosing a child to a monster disease is something that should never be. This is still so fresh and your feelings that you go through every minute, every hour, every day are normal. You are going to have your ups and downs and some days your going to be down more than others. Its not fair, its cruel that you have to go through this and the hurt you are experiencing I am sure is beyond any one understanding how you feel. You have to go on though because you have 3 more children that you love and care for. They love you and depend on you. Someday they will be what gets you through each and everyday. I know you miss Jennifer and I dont know how you couldn’t miss her. She was your first born, your joy and your life along with the other three but she was taken from you and so not fair. We can write and try to tell you its normal and its going to get better and we know these words mean nothing to you right now. All I can tell you Libby right now you probably feel like God is your enemy. But He is not. We dont know why things happen the way they do but in time God will give you the strength to make it through each and everyday. I know you feel this is something that is impossible right now but its still so FRESH. I am sending prayers and hugs to you Libby. Jennifer will never be forgotten because she has made such an impact on so many lives with her story and yours. You and her have made us so much more aware of this terrible disease and how if cripples a family that we are all so much more determined to help find a cure. You see Libby she has become part of our lives also and for that we are thankful. Just wish it was in a different way. <3<3<3

  25. I think if I lost either if my boys I would be having these same thoughts- but also, I don’t think I could handle this as well as you have. I know you don’t see it, but you are so strong!

  26. I wish that, too. Like Emily said…..still here, still listening/reading and still sending peace and love. I wish there was so much more I could do.

    <3 <3 <3

  27. Agreed with everyone else…wish we could bring her back for you. As a mom of a six year old daughter, when I think of your pain, I can hardly breathe…it’s just too much. God love you, praying for you…always.

  28. I’m so sorry! There are not words enough to say how our heart and souls ache for you and your beautiful family! Prayers for you all! In Jesus name!

  29. Always here listening…I now you will do your best for yourself and your family. Jennifer is always with you in your heart. I know its not the way you want her to be but find the strength to keep going for your other kids and keep jennifer alive in memmories for them. Praying for you daily.

  30. Sending you an abundance of love & positive energy for you to persevere through today. It is so hard, but one day at a time, you can do it. I know you don’t want to, but I know you can and you will make it out of this.

  31. Thinking of your family daily…no mother should have to experience the loss of a child. Praying for comfort and angel hugs for you…

  32. Praying for you Libby. Thinking of you daily. I’m always here listening…Even though you don’t know me. I am here for you….

  33. I’m so sorry. Wishing things were different. Cling to the hope that she is in paradise today but I know that doesn’t change the anguish of being without her

  34. I am so sorry you are so sad. I know it’s hard, but thank you so much for sharing your feelings and experiences as it will truly help others out there going through similar experiences of lost loved ones. Sending love and a big hug. You are in my prayers everyday.

  35. It isn’t easy… You are doing the best you can. No one should ever have to go through this but I look up to you and your strength and you make me want to be a better person/mom.

    Thinking and sending love your way. Xo

  36. Dear Libby,
    I have been reading you blog every day, and every day I cry and think of you and Jennifer. I hold my family just a little closer. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. But tonight as I read your post I just feel this stranger should let you know that even though Jennifer has become your celestial glitter angel, you are doing EVERYTHING possible to keep her spirit alive through saying her name, thinking about her, sharing your story through this blog and any other way, through starting your non profit, making people aware that this disgusting, horrible, no good very bad cancer is out there and that the history of research funding is deplorable. Through all this ( and I am sure much so much more)- your Jennifer LIVES on. There is no better gift that you could be continuing to give to your daughter. You are a rockstar mom.
    Much love <3

  37. I wish you didnt have to go through losing sweet Jennifer. No parents should have to. Its unnatural. And it sucks. So so bad. Im just so sorry. I always have a prayer in my heart for you.

  38. Libby,
    Everyday I wait for the e-mail to say you wrote. I prayed Jennifer would be the first to survive, that the tumor would just disappear. Now I don’t know what to expect. Before I was watching for a miracle, I guess I still am. I don’t know how to say this, but I have imagined what you are going through. The hardest part of the imagining is the understanding they will not be returning, I understand why your mind is refusing to accept that. Or maybe it’s your soul telling you she is waiting on you, and she won’t be returning because you will be coming home. Well everybody is here to fight for your Jennifer and many other kids like her, but that still won’t bring her back. No matter how we encourage and love you and your family it won’t bring her back. No matter how many times a day I think of JLK and her beautiful brown eyes, or Jonathan and his best friend, blue & brown, I will never be able to bring her back. None of us will. So I wait and wait for some sign from Jennifer that will be unmistakable. The sign that proves she is walking beside you. In the meantime I offer prayers and support!

  39. I wish it for you too Libby, wish for your daughter to still be here. I wish there was a way for any of us to make that wish come true for you, or to make your pain less. sending love and hugs as always <3

  40. You are strong even when you feel wrecked. Hold on, Libby. You will be able to crawl out from under the immense weight of this loss. You will.

    So many prayers for peace and comfort for you and yours.

  41. You are in my thoughts all the time Libby, Jenniffer in my heart. I just wanted to tell you I feel this very strongly: Jennifer came into your life because no other person could love her more, only you Libby. I can see it in your photographs. Those photos are magic. Her happiness I can almost touch . You built such an incredible life for her, such an incredible family. Think of her little heart so full of love and happiness all built by you and however so unbearably short her life was , it was so so good. All because you chose her. Bless you and yours Libby, in my prayers you will be.

  42. I don’t know if this will be of any comfort or use, but having recently lost a dear friend, I too have a hole in my heart. His widow posted this quote the other day and I thought it described the feeling so well, I wanted to share it with you. My hope is that it somehow speaks to you as well.
    “There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve — even in pain — the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”
    ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

  43. I wish for… one of the thousands of treasured memories of JLK to envelope you tonight and lull you to sweet dreams and a light heart. Just for tonight.

  44. I pray that the Lord cover you with peace right now. I pray that He holds you together when you feel like you are falling apart. I pray for comfort. I pray that God just lift you right now and shelter you from this ache.

  45. I completely agree with Gretas’ words- she was so loved by you and your family….the photos are absolute proof….prayers for your entire family

  46. I just don’t understand why this happened. Your dear daughter, swiped from earth…and the finality of it settling in. It is the most cruel thing anyone could ever be asked to endure. I grieve with you and for you. I wish everything could be re-set, back to normal, back to mid-October.

  47. Every day I pray for peace for you. I know you will never be the same, how can you?? You lost your child. No one should ever expect you to be the same. But I believe God has a plan for you…now we wait to see what that plan might be. In the meantime take care of yourself. We will all be praying and thinking of you. XOXOXO

  48. I don’t know you, but I read every day and think about you and your family. Some days I with I could just stop by and give you a hug. I am not walking in your shoes but wish I could take away some pain. Our prayers are always with you.

  49. No words are able to be as strong as the pain you are feeling. I am so sorry and even that seems like so little to offer. Keeping you in my prayers

  50. My heart hurts so bad for you. I have no comforting words of wisdom. Just please know that you are in my prayers. God bless your aching soul.

  51. Hi Libby. I came across your blog and website in searching for someone who would sadly understand my grief. My baby girl died three weeks ago from an inoperable brain tumor (ependymoma). She was 14 mths old. I miss her terribly. This particular post resonates so stronlgy with me. Thank you for sharing your heartache and pain. I really admire your strength and courage to do something positive in the memory of your beautiful daughter. I am slowly reading through your blog , as I’m working through my grief and acceptance that I am now a mommy to an angel baby as well as a mommy to my 3 yr old son who needs me more than ever. You are making a difference. Thank you so much.

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