5 weeks

5 weeks today.

5 weeks since I last touched you or felt your hand in mine…

5 weeks since I got to look in your eyes and feel them looking back in mine.

That sums up how I felt today. I just missed her..

simply.

totally. DSC_0494

We decided to take the kids to a new pediatrician. I think it was the right choice for all of us.  We suspected Jonathan has asthma..doc agrees and we asked for allergy testing. Tony also pointed out how his mouth droops to the side sometimes when he talks. I used to be such a non-chalant mom .. I always said my job wasn’t to keep them from getting sick or hurt, but keep them from dying..

yea well..that was a fail

Now I find myself so scared.. The doc said he would order a MRI…we opted not to. I am fairly certain this new paranoid mom will request them at least once for each kid…but this wasn’t a time I really needed it. Now I will just obsessively watch him speak…

We went to happy hollow. It was supposed to be a fun outing. A way to enjoy and be grateful for our living children.

I spent a lot of the day crying or anxious.

I cried because I remembered the few times I had been there. All with Jennifer. All when she was younger…when I expected a full life with her. I cried because I saw so many big sisters taking little sisters on the rides.

…why doesn’t my Charlotte get that anymore?

Anxious..Nicholas in the stroller…me wearing Charlotte and Jonathan walking. At least 3 times I panicked pushing the stroller, looking back at Tony and Jonathan, calling out for Nicholas. I’m not sure I can even adequately explain what I think is happening for me…

It was like if for a moment I wasn’t actively thinking about her being dead..  my mind forgot. I think I autopioloted right back to making sure all 4 kids were accounted for…like a piece of me refuses to accept we only have 3 lives to care for now…somehow though some part of me knew, if I could only account for 3. .

to not look for her…

I couldn’t shake the feeling of unease….of something verging on momentary paranoia…until I realized what was happening…then sadness rolled in all over again.

We already have passes to Gilroy Gardens..one for her also. ..see we were “supposed” to have 9 months. Time enough to go back again… We talked about getting passes to Happy Hollow..but I think we both felt like it wasn’t a good fit. It wasn’t until driving home I realized it wasn’t a good fit only for her. GG has mostly rides which Jonathan doesn’t like but always happily went to watch her ride…HH has less rides and more other options…It’s like we forget what kids we are living for now.

Luckily we found out today that Nicholas likes all the rides. He went on everything! Which made Tony so happy.

DSC_0490I tried to enjoy today. I tried to appreciate and make it a good day. I put a lot of attention into the boys and trying to encourage them doing what they enjoyed.. more typical boy things. They did a great job sticking together and taking care of each other…The thing I have most wanted.. my kids to take care of each other always…The way Jonathan has taken on this challenge so quickly is one of her greatest legacies. ..and Nicholas is learning from him. I tried to absorb all of that, all that my mind was taking in..

I failed.

I was so hyper aware of the hole. I felt so off..like that dream where you go to school/work in your underwear…that’s how I felt IMG_1204all day. Uncomfortable..nervous..

.. .broken.

Nicholas was overly tired so we got in the car and drove home. Jonathan was so good all day and asked for pizza for dinner. We had some gift cards and stopped for dinner. Again those emotions of eating out came bubbling to the surface. Tonight though I just felt so much guilt.. . like I shouldn’t be enjoying these things we could never do with her.

At home we watched a recorded show. We haven’t been watching many. Honestly because a piece of me breaks when I see the shows I set to record when we got back from a Make A Wish trip..Sofia and Doc McStuffins.. shows I was meant to watch with her . .

but one week later our lives shattered once again..

to learn hers would soon be ending.

We watched a show I thought for sure was safe…it was a halloween themed one. The last time of year anything was normal…and also when everything changed. Diagnosed Oct 28th…her birthday.

There was a song in this episode that she sang all the time…I could *almost* hear her voice singing it. But I never knew where it came from or what exactly she was even saying. I never sat with her and watched it obviously.

… damnit.

But I did.. we did tonight.

I just wish she didn’t have to die for me to learn these lessons.

5 weeks since I said good bye to you.

5 weeks worth of days where I miss you more and more

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38 Responses to “5 weeks”

  1. Each night your words move me with the love you have for all of your children. You’ve been the voice in my head since we first heard of your beautiful and amazing Jennifer and with the past 5 weeks you’ve made me aware of moments. To slow down and not say no or later so much. For us.. Jennifer lives on and will continue to do so in your words and pictures. Sending hugs to your family and an especially tight and long one for you.

  2. I just wish she didn’t have to die for me to learn these lessons also. LOVE 4 JLK ALWAYS AND FOREVER!
    You have blessed me so many ways I am forever thankful. I think of you often…praying for you always!

  3. Finding a new normal sucks, but try not to feel guilty. Easier said than done, I know. Thinking of you all and sending more hugs…

  4. The picture of her with the face paint is just gorgeous… you can see such sparkle in her smile. She is such a beautiful girl.

    I know others have said it, but its OK to just grieve… entirely…..however you need to… no rules… no rights/wrongs…..just however you need to.

    I don’t even know you but I know you are a great mom to all 4 of your children, it is so evident in everything you say in your blog.

    Take care of yourself, as best you can.

  5. I love seeing her beautiful smile…unforgettable, worth fighting for, remembering. Someday your anxiety will turn into bittersweet recollections…I pray your heart is comforted and healed. We are all lifting you up in prayer daily. <3

  6. If she were floating over your shoulder and you could hear her voice…. I think maybe she would giggle with delight to see you all enjoy something that she couldn’t have or do. She would be stroking your hair trying to comfort you “Mommy, its ok to smile, I want your heart happy”.

    crying, cant see the screen …gotta go.

  7. I am so, so, so very sorry for your loss. I wish I could take a fraction of your pain away. Be kind with yourself. Feel what you feel, because emotions are ours and we can’t judge ourselves for them. However, remember that Jennifer is in a place where emotions like anger and jealousy do not exist. She isn’t jealous that you are doing these things without her. I am sure she is smiling down on her family and wishing you all joy.

    Many many prayers for you all today, and every day.

  8. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. The strongest of the strong, the bravest of the brave. Not a failure in Amy capacity, but a mother who fiercely loves her children. I know you don’t see that now and I pray someday you will. I’m sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry. I wish I could do more, but know that your family, and especially you, are in this mother’s prayers.

  9. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now to heal. A new pediatrician, a family outing. Even though it breaks your heart in ways I cannot imagine, I commend you for doing the little things to honor your boys and sweet baby Charlotte. Sending you love and a great big hug and praying for you daily. Praying that you will find strength that you didn’t even know you had and the ability to keep moving forward. Love always.

  10. Dear Libby: Although it is so very hard for you, I am glad you are still posting. When my daughter passed there weren’t such web ways to release, plus I didn’t have friends and family to hang in there. Only saying that to relate how important it is for you to write freely, and we are all here hugging you back. God knows your pain so pray it up to Him for gradual release, and know that He doesn’t share your pain with Jennifer. Just know that she touches your heart with a warm breeze and wants you to Drop All Guilt feelings. You are a wonderful Mom so know she is proud of you and her whole family. Yes you will always count her as 1 of 4, but turning to count her at the park will ease away. Let all feelings flow and we are all praying for your Peace! Hugs, Donna G

  11. you are doing an amazing job… all the way around. you are such an inspiration. just try to hang on – your sweet angel will continue to protect you and guide you. more prayers for grace for you and Tony – and all four of your children.

  12. I think because you are such An exceptional mom you Feel like you failed. … but in every blog you post i feel so much lOve pouring out of you for everyone. .. i never know what to say in reply to your blogs that break my heart… i just want you to know that even though we figured apart so many years ago.. you have always been in my Heart as one of my friends. ..

  13. Just so unfair that any person should have to deal with this. I will continue to read the blog and hope that one day it gets a little easier for you and your family. Thank you for your raw truth.

  14. You are an exceptional mom with love that runs so deep it leaps out of your words to my heart. My heart that is broken for you. And for the other moms who post on here who know exactly what you are feeling. And the seven more moms who today know how you feel. I’ve been acutely aware of that every day now. My tears I can’t hold back. Neither do I hold back my prayers.

  15. Praying for your pain Libby. You are so much braver and stronger than you realise. I hope one day soon you will see yourself through our eyes.

  16. You did a wonderful thing with Tony today. Taking the kids out to enjoy themselves on the rides may have made you feel anxious but you also had moments to watch them have fun. You are incredibly brave and I can’t imagine how hard this is but please know that we all send you love and strength to hopefully help you through your day.

    Sending you love and hugs.

    Vanessa

  17. You have spent six years keeping the tally, counting kids. That reflex is still there, and the horrible sense that the count will never again be right. I’m so sorry from the very bottom of my heart.

  18. I have been following your story and my heart aches for you. They say losing a child is like the physical pain of losing one of your limbs. Your mind keeps looking for the missing part, and you feel pain even when there is nothing there to actually hurt. Phantom limb pain. Your brain keeps sending signals to the missing part, searching… and it takes lots of time, so much time, before the brain can understand that it is gone, and start to heal. Give yourself so much time to process your missing part. Your heart and brain need time to accept the loss and rewire you so you can enjoy all that is remaining. Be kind to yourself if you can’t appreciate and express your love to all of those around you. It’s literally impossible sometimes, because your mind and heart don’t understand what is happening. It will in time. The heart and soul heal, even when we aren’t sure we want them to. xoxo

  19. Every night before I go to sleep I find myself looking at your blog. My heart aches so much, you have an amazing way with words, you were blessed with Jennifer but Jennifer was also blessed with you an amazing mother

  20. The picture with her face painted, all I could do was stare. Its like she is looking right at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. I read your posts, and feel like I know your family. I cry for you, and pray.

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