time

Sitting here 2 days after she is gone.

Too much to do.

I know I can get help. ..

But I need to plan her services. I need to pick the songs. I need to speak. And by need I mean want.. .

. . .but then when can I grieve for her?

I find myself up so late at night.I finally succumb when I am alone again. . .this hurt pouring out of me. I am thankful for this place to write and release.

I am already back to smiling and laughing. Pushing my feelings back into a compartment. . somewhere inside. But the moment I am alone I dissolve . . the emotions of it all.

Why am I like this? Why can I be so expressive and open here behind a screen. . but so walled up with people around.  I feel like I am cheating myself. And cheating her.

I miss you so much Jennifer Lynn. So very much. Every moment alone. Nursing the baby to sleep. . even going to the bathroom. I cry. I ache. I yearn.

And then with people around its gone.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Maybe I had it right and never should have gotten out of bed. It was at least authentic.

But then how could I be preparing all the things we need to prepare to bury and say goodbye to our daughter. And yes I am getting a lot of help. But so much I can’t get help with. We need to do it.

This is all backwards for me. We should only do grieving for a month or so. Then do the services. I am getting too absorbed in the busy.

Jonathan came home today. I talked to him about my immense showing of grief, and I asked him to look at me right then to see that I was ok. I don’t think he believed me. Smart boy. I hope I am not scarring you more than life has over the past 3 months.

He got pencils at preschool for a valentine. He wants to give them to Jennifer. He will take them when he goes to heaven. He put his huge card in her room. Oh my dear sweet boy. . He is so worried about me. I can see it. I am supposed to be his protector. . I am supposed to be worried about him.

enough of this.

time to go look at urns

DSC_0872

 

82 Responses to “time”

  1. Nothing is wrong with you. The busy is just a defense and distraction. Coping mechanism. Necessary maybe. There is no right or wrong where you are right now. Breathe. Observe.

    So very sorry for your tremendous and devastating loss.

    1. As moms we want to think that if we are not being strong for everyone we are not being perfect or a good mom. But sometimes our children seeing our feelings and our range of emotions that is good for them as well. So don’t worry about being so strong that they don’t see how you feel. You may be surprised, they may want to help comfort you in only the ways children know how to comfort their mom. That is ok also. I have a friend who reminds me to be nurturing with myself, do that now, whatever that looks like for you. But just feel without judgement for yourself at this point. Plan your speech, plan the service and be strong for some people and cry in the dark. Or sob in front of people and stay in bed but just ‘be’ without judging yourself. There is no right way to feel or be these days. But however you feel, be loving to yourself.

  2. Libby, you are perfect. You feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it. It’s ok to laugh, and it’s ok to plan. It’s ok to melt and it’s ok to be composed. You are right. We do this backwards. You should be able to mourn deeply first and then plan a beautiful celebration of her life. Just know that you can’t do grief wrong. And grieving for your Jennifer in the presence of your other children is not detrimental to their well-being. You are showing them that it’s ok to be sad. You are showing them how to love someone who’s gone. That’s all grief really is anyway-love.

    1. As someone who lost a brother to cancer 3 years ago this month, I have to say that I 100% agree with this. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just let the emotions come when they do. I remember worrying about grieving in front of my kids and I’d try to keep it all in but it didn’t always work for me. In the long run I think that it was good for them to see that it is ok to be sad. They need to know it’s ok to grieve too. Just remember that everyone grieves differently and it’s ok. There is no right or wrong way. Praying for peace and strength for you all during this difficult time.

  3. A song keeps playing on the radio whenever you guys are on my mind (which is almost constantly these days), and I wanted to share it with you, in case you ever want to look it up. I didn’t know the name, or artist, so I googled some of the lyrics I remembered and its called “Oceans,” but Hillsong United and I’m not sure why, but its just seems to speak to me on some level. In regards to you feeling safer or more honest in front of the keyboard, that completely makes sense to me. Sometimes its easier to write, uninhibited and as much or as little as you stand, and not worry about conversations, or answering questions or appearing to be a certain way that you’re not. And even though family and friends are and always will be our number one supporters, you will also always have a new found group of friends, many of which you haven’t and may never meet, that will forever be proud members of the Glitter Squad and an army to stand beside you during the next chapters of your journey. I hope with all my heart that you’re able to find sleep tonight. Nightmare free. Just the rest and momentary peace your mind and heart so deserve. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  4. So very real and true. For me, it was a solid year. A year of emotional solitude. A year of “why is everyone still moving along, like there’s a life to be lived?”. A year of retching. A year of feeling nothing of God. The year passed. I still bottle it and save it for privacy, mostly. But the year passed. Then, one day, I noticed that the sun shining. I had notice before. But this time, it didn’t make me angry. I still have the tattoo on my soul. I always will. But now, sometimes I am allowed to not be angry, and have a life that I can and do enjoy. I do both. I grieve and I also enjoy life. I’m glad I’m still alive, because as long as I’m alive, she will ALWAYS make a difference in the world. It’s been 12 years. I’m still here, and I’m not lying most of the time when I say I’m ok. The pain never leaves. But eventually, the other feelings come back.

  5. A song keeps playing on the radio whenever you guys are on my mind (which is almost constantly these days), and I wanted to share it with you, in case you ever want to look it up. I didn’t know the name, or artist, so I googled some of the lyrics I remembered and its called “Oceans,” by Hillsong United and I’m not sure why, but its just seems to speak to me on some level. In regards to you feeling safer or more honest in front of the keyboard, that completely makes sense to me. Sometimes its easier to write, uninhibited and as much or as little as you can stand, and not worry about conversations, or answering questions or appearing to be a certain way that you’re not. And even though family and friends are and always will be our number one supporters, you will also always have a new found group of friends, many of which you haven’t and may never meet, that will forever be proud members of the Glitter Squad and an army to stand beside you during the next chapters of your journey. I hope with all my heart that you’re able to find sleep tonight. Nightmare free. Just the rest and momentary peace your mind and heart so deserve. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  6. Libby you do what you have to do to get through the day and grieve when you have to grieve there is no time frame in grieving and no rules when and how your supposed to do it… There’s a few songs that comes to mind when I think of Jennifer, The Eye of the Tiger by katy Perry and The Wind beneath my Wing by Bet Middler, just some suggestions to help you. We’re here for YOU so.please lean on us to vent and get out all your frustrations and thoughts, Your
    in my thoughts and prayers daily,
    Big hugs for you..

  7. You do whatever you need to. You have always been a leader in my eyes… a camp counselor. mentor, friend…thank
    you. I love you all, always….

  8. Words cannot fully express my sorrow for you and your family. Even though I’ve onky known you through your blog for the past month or so. Whatever you are doing to get through this is the best for you. Thank you for sharing this incredibly painful and raw part of your life with us. You ARE stronger than you think you are. Sending you strength and love.

  9. There is no right and wrong way to grieve. However you grieve is the right way. Much love and you are not far from my thoughts even though we have never met.

  10. I met you yesterday through the writing on your blog. In less than 24 hours I learned of your family and Jennifer and her life and your loss. There are so many emotions rolling right now. I grieve for you and your children and your husband. My heart aches that you have this journey ahead of you. I was in my young 20s when my baby brother passed away from a condition he had from birth. We always knew it would happen, 16 years to prepare wasn’t enough, it never is. My best friends middle daughter diagnosed in Aug of cancer and then followed by my husband being diagnosed in October with cancer also. I feel like its been a rollercoaster of emotions. A trying time of learning exactly what my faith is and how I lean on God. Prayers are pouring out for your family. Do not try to not grieve. Your children will and they will know they can because mommy does. You are right in that you won’t ever be exactly as you were. You will also not always be as you are now. I was older than your boys when my siblings were born. I remember my parents then and they are different after having their son pass away (we did not lose him and he is not lost). All the rest of us are different as well. Its been years and I’ll still catch myself wanting to take something home and show him or remember a story to tell him. I cant fathom your pain right now but I am so grateful that you let us into this time. There are so many praying over your family. There will be one more remembering you on the 21st and the days, weeks and months to follow. Love from east coast being sent your way.

  11. This is all a normal and necessary part of grieving, Libby. If your brain didn’t shut down a little bit and go numb you might die or go insane from the acute grief. No one can sustain that level of grief for too long, so our brain kicks in some protective mechanisms. I went through the same thing, and I remember thinking the same kinds of things. You have to get through the “business” part of things, and this is the only way to do it. There is no blueprint for how we grieve. Everyone does it their own way, based on what works best for them. You are doing it right for you and for your fsmily.

  12. You are teaching your son what it means to grieve. Cry with him. Tell him how much you miss his sister. Allow him to grieve with you. You are an amazing mom. Cling to your other babies and husband. They understand your pain the way no one else does.

  13. We are here for you Libby. I have to share something so so special and meaningful with you but I will do this maybe later. My husband is sitting here next to me and will wonder why is my wife crying.

    It’s ok to cry in front of your children.

  14. Thinking of you and your family. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. It’s raw and real and has made me look at life differently. I pray you find some peace when it’s time, and please, know that we are here for you.(even though we have never met)

  15. I remember the first few days of raw emotion being observed by my children. I wasn’t sure how they would react to my grief but their response was to comfort me. It was surprising and heartwarming and something I’m sure your children will do for you in their own way. You’ll know.

    The way you’re grieving is necessary and just the way it’s meant to happen.You are a remarkable human being Libby, that’s no lie.Jennifer is so proud of you!

  16. Libby
    There is no right or wrong way to feel. Let your emotions out, we are here to support you. If letting go on the computer late at night helps you then do that, then later look at the outpouring of support we all send back to you. I admire you Libby, you are one impressive, amazing, inspiring mother.

  17. Hi, I’m mother to a daughter who passed away on hospice after a 7 mos illness (@lpch). Your blog is so real and I find myself sobbing because I know exactly what you’re trying to say…I felt it too. Thank you.

    About her service… I was so wrecked and like you I wanted to plan and speak. Fortunately I was surrounded by friends who took over everything. I got really quiet one night and it felt like my daughter was telling me what she wanted at her service (broad strokes…. Music, who’s should speak, etc.). I gave it all to my friends and they planned the most amazing service for her. I didn’t speak at her service and neither did my husband. Just super close friends who knew our story and would do our little girl proud. It worked out wonderfully, well as good as could be hoped for a memorial….of course I didn’t want a memorial at all. I wanted her alive and with us.) anyway, I thought maybe that could help. The days after her passing…I don’t even know how to describe the despair/pain/anguish and I’m grateful to my friends for taking care of it for us. Forever grateful.

  18. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, Libby. Being able to laugh with friends, or with your kids is normal, healthy, and does not mean you don’t love or miss Jennifer. It doesn’t mean you aren’t changed forever. I love you dear. I hate seeing you so hard on yourself, on top of everything you’re feeling. I hope you can be kind to yourself.

  19. There’s nothing wrong with you, Libby. Everyone grieves differently, and you are grieving very privately. It’s okay to grieve how you feel led. Don’t think for one second that there is a “way” to do this. There’s not. You just get through it, but not by a certain pattern or list of instructions. That you are getting out of bed at all is a testament to your strength, whether it feels real or not. But the days where you don’t get out of bed at all, that’s completely okay too. You aren’t letting anyone down. You aren’t doing her a disservice.

    The amount you grieve is not reflective to the amount you love her. Just remember that.

  20. There is nothing wrong with you except that your daughter has died. All of your feelings are valid. Please give yourself permission to feel them. The words you write and are giving to others who’ve lost as well as to sweet JLK are beautiful and freeing and so helpful to more than you know. Thank you. I wish you peace and comfort.

  21. Don’t be so hard on yourself…there is no right or wrong way to grieve. And as for your son, though he may be worried about you, he also gets to see that it’s ok to be sad, to miss his sister, and to talk about it. It could be very healing for you both to cry together and to hold each other.

  22. I am amazed by you! Every post I read from you makes me love my kids 100 times more. Thank you for writing. Hang in there!

  23. There is NOTHING wrong with you, momma. Sending you so much love. I know we don’t know one another, but I am grieving with you. I promise you your precious Jennifer will never be forgotten.

  24. There’s nothing wrong with you.As mom’s I think that we just want people to look at us and think we are ok.The worst for me were the nights when it’s just you and your thoughts.Like you were saying in another post I too had a hard time of remembering the times before this monster crept into our lives.I wanted to remember the good years but the last ones were taking those away.I can just say that the walk we have to walk is a hard one.I want to think about my angel every second of everyday but when I do I cry.I can only hope that it won’t always be like this.Sending positive thoughts your way Libby.I’m sure JLks memorial will be beautiful just like her.

  25. There is nothing wrong with you. Everyone grieves in their own way, no right or wrong. Jonathan will love you and absolutely be ok. You are teaching him that it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be devastated, and you will teach him to share his feelings and help deal. Lots of prayers and love to you. I’m so glad you are using this as a form of release. Xoxo

  26. For some reason “story of my life” by one direction (I know, I know- I was surprised to hear it was them) reminds me of you Libby with Jennifer. I broke down crying in the car yesterday when it was on. Also “brave”. You Libby, and Jennifer, are so brave.

  27. Oh Libby,
    Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing. Your mind is doing what it needs to do to protect you right now. Everyone grieves in their own time and their own way. It took me 1 full year before I started to grieve completely. It was my way of making sure my Dad and brother were okay first. Then it was time for me.

    You are doing this in your way. And it is a beautiful way.

    Love and prayers to your family.

  28. Oh Libby. There is NOTHING wrong with you!!! I remember two days after my mom passed away at a very young age hearing myself laugh. I was horrified by that sound. How could I laugh when my world was over? I expressed this with out pastor and he told me that it was necessary for my survival. Our hearts can only take so much at any given moment. When it becomes too much (or we aren’t in a place where we feel safe to let go- alone) we switch into auto pilot. Please don’t question your process Libby. You do what ever feels right at any given minute. I am thinking of you all all day, everyday.

  29. I am so sorry that this is all happening to you and your family. I want to offer you words of comfort, but have typed out and deleted messages many times now because I know that there are really no words. I have a very close friend who’s daughter died from DIPG, 5 years ago this month. The only thing that I can say is that your grief is yours, and there is no wrong or right way to do it. What you are going through is something that no person should ever have to do. I just pray that the Lord gives you times of rest right now. That He wraps you in is loving arms, and gives you rest. Sending love from Minnesota.

  30. Laugh, smile and cry. It’s your grief and you can express it any way you want. I’m glad you’re still writing here though. Selfishly because I think of your Jennifer daily and wonder how you’re doing, but also because you write with such pure honesty that I hope this is a release for you in some way.

    Take care. Smile today because you know Jennifer would want you to. Laugh today because you know she’s in heaven giggling over a newfound treasure, and cry because it’s so damn unfair. Do what YOU want.

  31. There is NOTHING wrong with you…this is just part of the process. You HAVE to get up and moving forward at some point, not because you want to but because you have to. You have 3 other beautiful children that are going to rely on you to help get them through this difficult time. To help them understand why this has happened to their beautiful big sister, even when you yourself don’t even understand. You have an amazing support group of people surrounding you.
    I have been praying for you nonstop. I have cried over your loss for the past few days and throughout her diagnosis, treatment and everything in between. I feel that God has put you and your family on my heart but I a still trying to figure out why. Myself and so many other are here for you, even though you are a stranger to us. Thank you for sharing Jennifer with us.
    My family and I go to Cathedral of Faith and our worship pastors are amazing! They wrote a song called Emmanuel. I will message you the lyrics on FB but for now here is part of the chorus…hope they help you as they have helped me!

    When the things of life are
    Hard to understand
    And Your purposes
    We fail to comprehend
    Lord, we pray, give us faith
    So we can see
    To trust Your promises,
    We’ve chosen to believe

    Lord, You are with us
    And You said, You’ll never leave us

    Emmanuel, You’re always with us
    Emmanuel, You are here, You are here

    All my Love…Michelle

  32. Sweet mama, we are all babies fumbling through life. Doing the best with what lies ahead of us.. and behind. You are a wonderful mother. How lucky Jennifer is to have had you…and to still have you. How fortunate they all are. We can only do our best. Each day, that “best” may look different. Our best to grieve and honor. Our best to forge ahead. But getting up and doing this, the best we can muster, is what matters. Beautiful Jennifer is without pain. Love.

  33. Oh Libby, you said the smiles and laughter returned for a brief moment. Brief yesterday…not so brief in the future. Jennifer must have blown glitter to the clouds when you smiled. Her laughter is being heard through you. Gosh, we love hearing from you!

  34. Libby,

    On the day after Jennifer’s memorial, I wish you that long, deep breath and the time to rest and find peace. You are normal. You are a mama, and we all know that mama’s don’t always get to rest. There is always so much to do, things to take care of. You deserve the right to “just be”, in any form that may come. It is part of the healing, please allow yourself that. We all are rallying around you, and are gearing up to fight this fight alongside you, when you’re ready. This community will be ready. Your family continues to be in our hearts and prayers.

  35. Libby – There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You’re doing what your body and mind needs to do. You’re perfect in what you’re feeling. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Thinking about you and your family. Sending big hugs.

  36. Your are in the shock and denial part which is likely the body’s way of getting you through what you need to. The so called phases of grief are probably different for every person and the is no”right” way to feel or experience your journey.

  37. It seems unfair that the rest of the world can go on when all we need is for time to stand still. In all of this unfairness and unordinary horror, I hope someone is reminding you that your feelings and reactions are normal.

    You don’t have to make sense of your reactions because all of this, especially Jennifer’s illness and death, are completely senseless. All my love to you, Libby. This is a long journey with no right path, and in the end everyone, including the other kids, will know you did your best to just make the trek.

  38. You are coping the best way you know how and that makes it right for you. Everything you are doing is honoring your lovely Jennifer, including all of the arrangements and taking care of your family and even laughing. You shared some of the most beautiful moments of her laughing with all of you and she learned that from you. We love you and are here to be the place you can be vulnerable.

  39. I have been following your posts from the beginning…I am a new mom and love my son more than anything. Whenever I read your posts, I give him extra hugs and kisses. You make my bad days seem like nothing and it brings perspective to a lot of things. I cannot tell you I understand what you are going through because I don’t and I hope I never am in your situation to burry a child…I cannot give you advice because I am in no position to…I hope God gives you the strength you need to get through this, and remember, you have to be strong for your three little ones that need their mommy. But…it is also okay for you to grieve for Jennifer, even in front of them. I am sure they need to grieve too…I hope God gives strength and peace to your family.

  40. My dear sweet Libby.
    You don’t know me but I understand your pain. You ask when will you have time to grieve for her.

    You are.
    Every day.

    And you will continue to until you are healed.

    Your sweet babies left here on earth need you.
    They don’t understand pain. Death. Forever. They understand you and your love and you being the fantastic mother you are won’t let them see you completely drown in your sadness.
    You will continue to love, hug, support and smile for them just as you would always, but make no mistake, in your moments of quiet, when a smell hits you or a sight brings reminds you of your loss you will grieve.

    You mention your pushing back these emotions, I would say your saving them for a time that is for you.
    Again, you are a fantastic mother doing what she needs to for those that still need you.

    You are total Love.
    You are a mother.
    You are normal.

    Right now nothing makes sense and nothing seems real. Please know that one day that will change.
    One day you will heal. One day you will understand everything.
    I promise.

    That last thing I can say is continue to write your feelings out, they can be private; we don’t need to see them, but write until your exhausted. Scream, vent, cry, remember, love and heal through your writing. It will help you to keep moving forward.

    You have a world that loves you and your family.

  41. What you’re writing here is so important. It’s a gift you’re giving. Putting words to what every mother who has and will go through this has, in part or in whole, felt.
    As isolating as the confusion of this grief must feel, there are hundreds on this path with you. Some farther along, some just beginning. At least 7 will start today, right?
    Embrace the pain. Let it come. You are strong enough to survive it.

  42. Heavenlymessages.com/letterfromheaven

    You may have already read this, just thought it may give u a tiny bit of peace. Grieving for you and your loss.

  43. People who love and care about you are there to help pull you out of the hole. Cancer sucks. What happened to JLK sucks. You will laugh and feel things other than grief again. Your daughter would want that and I am sure that she has a little something to do with helping you cope and being able to do those things again. Nothing you are doing or feeling is wrong. It’s all part of the process and I know your baby girl is there somewhere holding your hand caring for you like you did for her. Lots of love, Libby.

  44. My heart hurts for your family. From afar and not knowing you personally, all I can do is offer prayers.

    When we suffered a great loss, our motto was “no expectations”. There is never a right or wrong way to grieve, you’re doing just fine. Everyday, every hour,every minute, every second is going to be different. No expectations.

  45. Libby… I read your blogs and I wish I could help you…. I don’t even know you and I feel your pain so deeply… Don’t doubt yourself ….let people help you and know that you are doing a great job… You are a wonderful mommy, and you always will be… You are obviously a very strong person but know it is ok to be weak…. You deserve as much time as you need and know you have many people here for u… Even complete strangers…. I am so sorry for ur pain! Prayers for u and ur family!

  46. Nothing is wrong with you. You are being bolstered by their love so you can do what needs to be done. I won’t be there Friday, we’ll be in Portland, but I’m keeping you all in my heart. So much love to you.

  47. I really like Sabrina’s comments. She said much of what we thought.

    We postponed my dad’s service for a month. Somehow it only delayed the deep mourning.

    Grief is personal. It’s different for every person. And however you do it is right. And Jonathan will grow to be a stronger, kinder, more sensitive man because you showed him that all emotions are ok, not only the good ones. All your children will.

  48. There is no instruction book on how to grieve. We each create our own road map of grief. It is ok for our children to know grief is ok, emotions are ok.

  49. Busying the mind whether it’s writing or reading useless books (ie. fiction and no sad books) or watching useless TV all might help pass the alone time (ie. Real Housewives, Kitchen Nightmares, anything that has NOTHING to do with your now. NO news). We’re listening and supporting you as you go through this process. Thinking of you.

  50. As I’m here cleaning Brave by Sara Bereilles came on and not once have I met you guys but your sweet daughter came to mind. I can’t stop thinking of her or you, my heart is with you. Sending you lots of love and prayer. Much love Lizi your daughter forever touched my life with your blog, thank you.

  51. You will ‘roar’ in many different ways, all for which you have a very valid reason to be heard. The profound nature of your writings are amazing and shows the deep affection and bond you have with your family. You are wise, gifted, honest and full of grace. Your process is yours. I’m learning many things from you as I did your from your sweet child.

  52. I’m not sure if you have thought of this, or if you would even want to,but would it help having JLK home for some of the time leading up to her funeral?

    In my country (New Zealand) this seems to be what a lot of people do now, and I have had friends say it helped them tremendously with the grieving process.

    In the end Libby you DO whatever gets you through this shattering time. Cry,scream,throw yourself around the room…whatever,no one is going to judge you. Bless you all and thinking of you from the other side of the world xx

  53. There are no rules for grieving Libby. Anyway you do it is the right way for YOU. I am thankful that you have this outlet – for your feelings to spill out onto the screen – it’s your way of grieving – and in the process of doing that you are teaching us all so much……I thank you for your courage to grieve so publicly. You are brave and strong and have been for as long as I’ve know you……

  54. I don’t even know what to say except to just ride it out…don’t try and bottle it up. This blog is your release, so let it all out! don’t be afraid or ashamed of how you are grieving…I’m sure most of us would pretty much lose it if we were in your situation. Which is ok. It’s an awful thing, losing a child. Do what you need to do and we will be here to listen and bolster you up when you need it. I wish I could give you a big hug and let you cry on my shoulder. My parents live on your street so every time I drive by I saw a prayer for you and your family.

  55. You may never read my reply, but I still want to share. Your heartfelt blogging is wonderful. I wish I could have written down my experience, my pain, my feelings of guilt and anger when my son died. Grieving is important, but how we do it is so individual. Getting it down on paper and out of your system will only help you sort through it all.

    And doing it all in front of your children is good. You are right, there is no name out there for us moms with more children than people see here on earth. Bit my other children know their brother’s name. They told EVERYONE about him all the time. 5 years later, 7 years later. Even now, almost 13 years later we discuss him. What life might have been like. What he would look like. What he would enjoy. And the pain has softened and the memory is sweeter. The world may not see all my children, but my heart knows them all.

    Yours will, too.

  56. I just want to say thankyou for sharing your beautiful little Jennifer with us. Thankyou for sharing her story as well as yours. I cannot put into words how sorry I am for your loss of this beautiful amazing child. She became part of my life, part of so many lives. Jennifer has touched my heart and my life in a way i never thought possible. I know you don’t know me but I feel like I know you now. I am a resident of gilroy and don’t live far from you at all. If you ever need anything or just someone to talk to I am here. As a mother myself my heart aches so very much for you. I think about Jennifer everyday, several times a day. She will be in my heart forever. You are an amazing mother with such strength. Thankyou again so much for sharing Jennifer’s life as well as yours with us all. All my love and prayers to you and your family. XoXo….

  57. “There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.” The Fault in Our Stars-John Green

    I wish God had given you and your precious girl more days in your infinity. She gave you so much in the numbered days. She was lucky you were her mom. She will continue to shine through you, because of your selfless acts of blogging and raising awareness and donating the tumor. I am forever changed by your story, and I know so many others are as well.

    I wish that God had given you and your precious

  58. Libby … Have posted a few times before. My Dad lost his life to brain cancer within a 6 week period. No ideas he had it. And we thought we had a LOT more time 1-2 years at minimum. I have 2 girls of my own 14 (today) and 12 years of age. My coworker Kelly Crocker has told me of your family and I became engaged instantly being a nurse. I have followed for weeks and as things wound down i always anticipated getting an update for some reason each day. My heart latched onto your family instantly unfortunately via the brain cancer connection …although I was so lucky to have my dad for 63 years. ( which i still felt so cheated out of my own kids proms, weddings and kids). We went from diagnosis to 6 weeks being gone.

    Again a TOTALLY different story since he got to experience life. I remember the oncologist when he told us the only worse thing was telling a child’s parents!! Being a mom i never could not imagine. When I saw your story semi flashback to that day but so devastated that you had one of those kids. Not sure how different DIPG was from his glioblastoma.. Anyway my heart has been breaking for your family for weeks and when I learned of poor JLK’s passing I sobbed uncontrollably for almost an hour.

    Libby from one mom to another… I cant imagine your struggle with 4 kids and one dealing with this awful condition. I will never think of GLITTER again as I have before!! One of my fave pics of hers in the pink dress with the glitter!!!! You have kept me waiting each night to see if there was un update since I had been thinking about your precious Jennifer all day each day. Thank you for the journey along the way and keeping it All so raw and real and let us follow your amazing emotional journey literally until the very the day of. If reach reach through the computer i would squeeze you and your whole family so tight!!

    My heart aches that you have to go thru thru the funeral process… How do you bury your child??? My biggest love and prayers are being sent to your family!!!! Much much love to the Krantz household from the Towle household tonight!! Xoxoxoxoxoxo

  59. It is ALL authentic. Every bit of it. I promise you there is no “right” way to grieve. Continued love and prayers.

  60. You will never be alone….. JLK will be forever in your Heart and nothing can ever change that. Just like this beautiful song by Lady Antebellum the words are fitting for precious sweet little JLK.

  61. Libby,

    Your story has touched so many, and I truly believe that you will help so many people by being so honest and open. That doesn’t bring back your beautiful daughter, but I feel her spirit without even knowing her, and I know she will live on with you and your husband and sons and daughter. You did the absolute best job every step of the way. You gave Jennifer beautiful memories and you gave her the most love ever. I ache for you all and I know there aren’t any helpful words. But know that you have made a difference and your gorgeous JLK made a difference and her spirit shines through in pictures and my hope for you all is that one day you look at those pictures and smile. I know you will and I pray that you all have moments of comfort within the pain. All my love to all of you, and sweet Jennifer.

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