Tag: year 2

her Christmas gift

We woke up all with Jennifer on our hearts and minds… And as it turns out the feeling was mutual. My niece came over last night and saved Christmas for the second year in a row. She came over to wrap presents for my kids. Without her to talk with and to honestly do most of it I don’t know if it would have gotten done. It is so hard to not be wrapping for her.. So I just avoid it at all costs. As I fell asleep silent tears hit my pillow..  as I was helplessly wishing I could give her a present.. This morning the very first thing Nicholas did was ask my a question about sissy.. He was groggy, wiping sleeping from his eyes and asked if she used to wear boxers.. I was taken aback and at first said no.. but then realized she probably did[…]

tomorrow

Tomorrow I will dust myself off.. Tomorrow I will pick myself up … but today.. Today I crumble. Today my 2 year old toddles over to me and asks to be picked up. Today she offers to kiss my owie and wipes away my tears. Today we start to clean up the garage.. and find bags of my dead daughters clothing. Ones she wore and lived in before we knew the string of letters DIPG and the power they would forever hold over me. Today I ache for her so deeply. Today I am a really crappy mom and today I feel horrible about it.. but can’t seem to stop. .. today. today I find watermelon on clothes she never wore but were in her things. ok sissy .. tomorrow ok.. better tomorrow.. i just can’t today.. sorry Today I bury my face in the jammies she wore so often.[…]

crossfit

Its hard. Everything is hard right now. Year two. Fuck. Its hard. To just be.. to exist in a world void of my oldest daughter. To the outside world my oldest child is 5.. but I have been a mother for 7 years.  Its hard to parent them all the way I want to.. To not live in a constant state of fear of losing them too.. I am relying on will it matter in a month a lot lately. To let me know that yes indeed this is a battle worth having.. Its hard to be a good friend/sister/daughter.. because I struggle to connect.. to be able to be in the present on focused on the conversation at hand.. my mind seems to wander off so often lately. If I am being honest .. the truth is I am pretty useless in this area.. And I don’t see a[…]

again

I woke up this morning feeling like a weight was on my chest. Heavy and full and weighted down with missing her. We were out late the night before and Charlotte really struggled to sleep so I brought her into bed with us. I loved it but I never sleep as well when I have her with me. Maybe thats adding to this.. how tired I am. I woke up so aware that she wasn’t here. That my daughter is dead. That nothing will ever be complete or full again. That realization is a harsh reality to greet you when you wake up .. wake up with a sleeping baby in your arms and a little boy kissing you good morning. Soon our bed was full.. but not really… today that emptiness was cruelly glaring for me. I just miss my daughter. My first born. The one that gave me the[…]