Tag: thanksgiving

smiles and tears

Why? Why?  oh jennifer.  i just want to hold you. i wonder what you would be like this Thanksgiving.  I wanted to write a positive post. One about how all the many things I am grateful for. My living children. My reason for working for hard for Unravel. Because I need to try to keep them safe. I owe it to them to fight the biggest danger they are likely to face in their young lives. . Jonathan, his effort- Navigating being a big boy and this newfound role of our families oldest child. Bridgette, her pure- smiles and giggles and tears. Honest emotion to whatever she is feeling. Nicholas, his depth- learning to trust in his moral compass which is true north. and stronger than any I have ever known. Charlotte, her joy- how she radiates pure love to everybody she meets. I am so lucky to be driven crazy[…]

the stars

Pre and post her death. Thats how time is for me now. So this is the first Thanksgiving… It knocked me over. I think I wasn’t prepared at all for it. The night before I just cried and cried. Tony came home from golfing to a heartbroken wife. Its such a hard balance for our marriage. He had a good time but walked in the door to such a dark and pain filled home. He opened his arms to me though and did his very best to try and absorb my sorrow. I was hurting so bad I honestly in that moment wished that was possible. That he could take on some of  it and give me some relief. Its impossible though.. but it did help .. to have somebody there to hold me up.. to bear witness to my destruction and be there to help me re-build. Thanksgiving was[…]

eye roll

Thanksgiving one year ago we invited the first media outlet in to film our family and our story. I barely even remember Jennifer looking like that. So big and round in her face. She hated that. Hated so much how the steroids changed the way she felt and looked. I hated it to. A constant reminder of the monster inside.. that we were powerless to stop. .. or as it turns out even slow down. I am quoted to say “I don’t know how you go on.. people do it.. but I can’t imagine it. .. I can’t.. We watched her today with her cousins.. I think about next year, will we be able to come? I .. I don’t know. “ How can I still say that. That I don’t know how people go on.. I don’t know how I am going on… But I am. I don’t know[…]

haunted

I am haunted lately .. but not the kind I want. Just a deep dark sadness. I am exhausted all the time. Like deep down to my bones tired. Thanksgiving is fast approaching. Our first real holiday since she died. Since she was stolen from my arms. I could have held her forever. I am so grateful we donated her tumors so I had some reason and some purpose to give her the final kiss on her forehead .. the last moment I touched her.. Felt her. She was dead. Thats so backwards. She was supposed to kiss me goodbye.. she was supposed to grieve me. I still can’t figure out what we should do for Thanksgiving. Nothing seems right without her. And when you include extended family there are so many more emotions and hearts to be worried about.. to be sure its ok for everybody. And I am[…]