Tag: santa

angels

  All these things I am being forced to walk through. Nothing feels real right now.  Its like my body.. my heart.. my soul cannot accept that she is gone.. that I have to do this. These holidays.   Something in me snapped on Friday. Broke apart. And I cried off and on all day. I hate it. That cancer stole my daughter.. but also my 3 youngest babies childhoods. This shouldn’t be their memories for this time of year. But I can’t always stop it. I try .. I do try. Because I know it impacts them. I know how they are my little men and want to protect me. .. do anything to keep their mommy from hurting. Friday morning it was a cluster of hits that took me down. . Jonathan worried it was the song on the radio he had said he liked.. so he told[…]

muscle memory

We saw Santa. It was anti climatic. Which was a good thing actually since so much.. so much has been so big lately. Only Jonathan even sat on his lap. It was easier .. not so vividly missing her since the photographs I took were missing most of my kids. But a friend and I talked. How we both knew.. if she was there they all would have followed her. They always did for things like that. Sissy made them feel safe.  Tony and I had counseling last night. Mostly it centered around raising kids through this loss. Trying to sort out what is best for them. My family is crazy. We take all things competition very seriously. Even Baggo, (I googled it for you). A few years ago a tournament was started. Round Robin. Team names. Costumes. We do it at one of the high schools one my brother[…]

rain on my parade

There are so many different kinds of parades .. some we sit through and watch.. some we march in and some we shut our windows and close our curtains to try and drown out the noise. Last year today we were coming down from such a high. A never even dreamt of, dream come true, for all of us really. She got to be our towns grand marshall, she got to sit right next to Santa in his sleigh as they rode through town. And the rest of us got to ride along with her. I remember well each of my kids that night. Each surprisingly different than we ever would have anticipated… ok except Charlotte she was exactly how we thought she would be. Easy and go with the flow. I even handed her off to a friend of mine at the very end of the parade and she[…]

santa and jesus.. not so far apart

Our home is decorated and Christmas season is officially here with the start of December. We decorated inside and outside this weekend. I wanted one more outdoor decoration and told the kids to look for one when they went out tree shopping with my parents. They came back knowing exactly what they wanted. A angel. Its perfect. .. well perfectly suited to us now. To remember what christmas is really all about. Love, family.. and Jesus. 2 years ago we jumped on the elf train.. those little toy elves that come for the month of December to kids homes to get to watch them be kids. Last year we put it out.. and then realized the girls and I would be leaving to go back to Palo Alto for her week of treatment. So I went out to buy a 2nd one. So she would get the fun of the[…]

one day

We had a wonderful anniversary trip. We walked and spent time together.. and we struggled and we fought as we tried to figure out how to navigate missing the same 6 year old girl in such vastly different ways. I need to talk about her. About all the memories and the moments. Tony needs to escape it more often then not. He looked at this weekend as a time to get some respite from our grief.. A chance to be husband and wife for 48 hours. I looked at it as a time to grieve together.. uninterrupted.. A chance to be mommy and daddy to a girl in heaven. We were both right in what the trip should have been.. The thing is we both failed to share our expectations with each other.. both assuming the other had the same mindset. It all came out over dinner on Saturday ..[…]