Tag: relationship with dead child

 It is warmth. It is joy. It is full.

I’ve always known .. well I guess not always since I never in my wildest fears imagined this being our life.. But since she was put on hospice care I knew our kids would each take their own paths on their grief journeys. I remember them teaching us how our kids would each re-live the loss of their sister as they hit new cognitive and emotional milestones.. So I’ve know it.. It should be no surprise .. but it always is. I share all of this now for them.. An addendum to my letter to them.. (shared here) for them to know what I know. We were recently talking about the girl I believe to our Jennifer’s best friend. How it was 11 years since her family said their final goodbye to her. We talked about what we could do to support Brecken’s family. It brought to the surface each[…]

the power of a memory

My mind often struggles to catch up with my reality. Most of the time Im not even aware of it. My daughter was here. Jennifer lived. And Jennifer died. Forever 6. The other day the kids played a joke on me. They all got in the car to go somewhere like they do everyday but when I walked over to buckle Bridgette in Jonathan was in her seat … the car erupted in giggles as I jumped back in confusion and surprise. I was laughing as I started to say Jennifer did that when she was your age.. It was like somebody ran across my stomach with a blade. The pain. Sharp. Immediate and shocking. He is 7. She is 6. Little brother older than big sister. Luckily I didn’t get the sentence out of my mouth and they were all too busy being proud of themselves to hear me.[…]

lessons from above

It’s always amazing to me.. how things seem to happen. I desperately want to meet her again in my dreams.. so much so that I think I miss the ways I can see her in my day to day.. Especially right now. I just miss her so much that everything hurts. And to exist.. especially around other people takes a lot of work. So I avoid it. But I worry it will push everyone away. .. So then I move through it and go to social occasions… I find my humor becomes very dry.. And I worry .. will I push everyone away? So really the fear is that my struggles will leave my whole family alone. And its overwhelming. I am overwhelmed. Today was a wake up and cry in the shower kinda day.. Covering my mouth trying to stifle the sobs that are racking my body.. hoping the[…]

hiding

This time of year when I will constantly make.. and then break plans. Where I will commit over and over again to being a better mom, to take them out more and do more… Commit to being a better friend.. And then I won’t be. I will find any reason and excuse to cancel plans. And I feel terribly about it. But I can’t seem to stop. Every night I tell myself I won’t do it. I won’t cancel. .. And sometimes I don’t.. but more often than not I do. . I hate it and I wish I could change it.. Because I get scared. .. that at some point it will be enough is enough.. That the “my daughter died” excuse of life will just become old and tired..  That my children and my husband will be impacted because of the way I cope with my grief .. especially[…]

forget

I look at her picture. And I want to grab her out of it. To feel her warmth again..I just want to grab her by the shoulders.. and shoulders. .. her shoulders .. remember oh God.. please don’t let me forget.. her shoulders .. my hands could perfectly cup them. If I moved my thumbs inward I could feel that bony bump right there.. They curved in slightly.. I think . ..I think she hunched just a tiny bit. Oh my God. Is that her? Or is it Jonathan? please .. oh please. jennifer. no. no. no. its like i am losing you again. Piece by piece she was stolen. And now it happens again. As I struggle against my own brain to remember her. Its like a grainy cell phone picture.. We have tally marks on the wall for the kids heights. I walk past and will touch where[…]

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

so i lied

I try to be honest. Especially in this new life we have been handed.. But I am finding I have to lie sometimes. To the outside world and my kids. With a smile that covers up the falling apart happening inside at that exact moment.. The surprising hard moments are often times the worst ones. The ones I am not ready for or expecting.. When the school year started. I used to walk Jonathan in every day. We would wait during assembly and watch him walk to the classroom. .. But the weather got colder and he wanted to be dropped off so we transitioned to that. Yesterday Nicholas asked if we could go in again. And Jonathan liked the idea so we did. I hope they don’t ask again. Two lines behind him I saw these kids.. The ones that are all strangers to me… but I know their[…]

a thousand years

Do you know I still haven’t dreamt of her. Not the real her. I’m ashamed to admit that .Its only been the anguished her that has found me in the dark of the night. The little girl that died in my arms. I have dreamt of her. The horror that she somehow survived day after day.. That pain filled girl comes to me. ..but its not her. please please please i need that not to be her. But I know.. I know somehow she is trying to get to me. Trying to get to me. To reach me. My 6 year old is trying to get to me and she can’t. And I am so scared its my fault. That I am letting her down all over again. I’m sorry jennifer. I’m so sorry I know this is the key. This is they way I will be able to finally[…]

her Christmas gift

We woke up all with Jennifer on our hearts and minds… And as it turns out the feeling was mutual. My niece came over last night and saved Christmas for the second year in a row. She came over to wrap presents for my kids. Without her to talk with and to honestly do most of it I don’t know if it would have gotten done. It is so hard to not be wrapping for her.. So I just avoid it at all costs. As I fell asleep silent tears hit my pillow..  as I was helplessly wishing I could give her a present.. This morning the very first thing Nicholas did was ask my a question about sissy.. He was groggy, wiping sleeping from his eyes and asked if she used to wear boxers.. I was taken aback and at first said no.. but then realized she probably did[…]

memories

My daughter. I only know my Jennifer in pictures now. And she changed so much after the above one was taken.. I hardly remember her with chubby cheeks like that… How would she have changed in the nearly two years we lost? It used to be I could look through photos of her and not cry. But now I do nearly every time. I don’t really understand that. How as time goes on the pain gets more precise and sharp. I used to be able to talk about her without fighting the tears.. now I almost always do. The words catching often. .. my thoughts swimming away from what I am saying off to memories.. and a different place. My memories .. the only place I can find her or touch her anymore. And I am scared to allow myself to remember. To close my eyes and touch her in[…]