Tag: rain

reach me

I feel like she is trying so hard to reach me. I feel like the distance is so thin right now. I don’t know how to deal with that. Because no matter how close she feels she is still impossible to touch. Its a unique twist on torture. To have my daughter feel like she is just barely out of my grasp…Like in movies when the characters keep missing each other just by a fraction of a second. why can’t i get to her? please she is my daughter .. please just let me have her again. … please. I want to say she is only 6 but I know in thats not really what it is.. Its that I am her mommy.. its that I need her. So many signs I am seeing. Tonight such a different thing I am feeling.   It started yesterday in the rain with the[…]

e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g

Tony and I went to our counseling tonight. .. well if I am being honest, tonight Tony sat on the couch during my counseling. It quickly morphed into being all about me tonight. We talked guilt. My guilt over everything. e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Its crippling. And I am not sure how to get over it.. get through it. I will never have the chance to say I am sorry. Never have the chance to make it up to her. No do overs. All my successes with Jennifer have happened .. as have my failures. Thats a bitter cold reality for a bereaved mommy. I feel trapped and overwhelmed in the dark memories. Of where I was.. who I was right now 10 months ago. Holding her. Talking to her. Letting the last of our family come say goodbye to her. Why couldn’t I stop this? Why couldn’t I save her? my baby.[…]

fantasy

I feel like a wounded animal. I feel like I am slowly bleeding out. I remember being pregnant and dairy products with dates stamped on it past my due date.. how thrilling that was. Today I pulled out strong cheese for the kids and it was stamped with a date past the one year anniversary of her death. . how? why? no? Today seeing that sent a chill right through me. In a few months I will be done with all the firsts without her.. and just onto the rest of time.. Holiday after holiday.. one less.. Day after day being incomplete. I wonder if one day I will get used to it? Adjust to this new life of mine.. without her. Because right now its a lot like a phantom limb. Like I go to stand on the life I was had only to fall down since its no[…]

average

I had a phone call with one of the aunts of Dannys warriors. She is… they are… amazing and I think they are poised to do good things in the fight against pediatric cancer. . I heard in her a joy.. a hope.. that we lost 5 months ago. A piece of me that I miss. The part that believes in miracles. I remember it though and I will hope that they find their way to that miracle. We talked about how it was for each of our families .. 9 months 4 days ago for them and 9 months for us.. 9 months from the very last birthday that we will ever get to celebrate her turning a year older. 9 months since we learned of DIPG. . and that some childhood cancers offer no hope. 0% survival. 9 months. The average amount of time a child with DIPG gets to[…]