Tag: jealousy after child loss

earthquake country

I live in earthquake country.. I always have.. but now its more. Now I exist in it too.. I am always ready.. vigilant for any potential tremors. But that’s what makes them so scary .. you never know when they will hit.. Even when they start.. you just never know how high they will register on the Richter scale.. I already know. As my fingers hit the keyboard I already know .. this might be one of those posts I never publish.. Because I know whats eating at me. .. something I struggle too admit to myself .. let alone out loud.. My jealousy. My heartbreak in the middle of others joy. The birth of my niece. Yes of course seeing a healthy baby… of remembering what it was like to first have my Jennifer placed in my arms.. Of wanting so desperately to go back.. to get those years[…]

I am

I am out of control. Watching Jennifer struggle. Witnessing her slow and painful death.. I learned I have no control… And now.. I constantly feel like I am being battered by wave after wave of emotions. I wish I could control my mind better… I wish I could control the triggers.. know when they are coming. ..But mostly I wish I could contain them better like I used to.. It seems like its getting worse now in that aspect. That when I used to carve out time daily to write I could control the anguish better and keep it locked up until I was ready to take it out and examine it behind this keyboard.. But it seems along with the growth I have talked about recently is this new thing. .. my loss of control over the triggers.. And the way I am reacting to them. I have found[…]

Should

Should .. She should be here. . she should be alive.. That word carries a lot of weight with me right now. They¬†cover me.. and they snuff out the light.. The should’s are dark and consuming. The should nots are heavy and constricting, they are what I don’t want to admit. . She should be growing and changing.. I should already have a wall filled with her school pictures. .. Instead we are tying to figure out what to do with Jonathan’s. . I should be posting his picture.. so proud of the handsome boy he is.. and how much he has changed and grown in the past 12 months. .. I should be happy for my friends and their school pictures.. Especially the kinder ones. . I should be. I’m not. I look at them with a mix of longing, jealousy and anger. . I long for it. For[…]