Tag: heaven smells like watermelon

tomorrow

Tomorrow I will dust myself off.. Tomorrow I will pick myself up … but today.. Today I crumble. Today my 2 year old toddles over to me and asks to be picked up. Today she offers to kiss my owie and wipes away my tears. Today we start to clean up the garage.. and find bags of my dead daughters clothing. Ones she wore and lived in before we knew the string of letters DIPG and the power they would forever hold over me. Today I ache for her so deeply. Today I am a really crappy mom and today I feel horrible about it.. but can’t seem to stop. .. today. today I find watermelon on clothes she never wore but were in her things. ok sissy .. tomorrow ok.. better tomorrow.. i just can’t today.. sorry Today I bury my face in the jammies she wore so often.[…]

family pictures

I love pictures..I have always tried to take a lot of the kids. Its a struggle now.. Because there is always a piece missing. And I notice it when I look through the lens of my camera. Always when a new family member joins us we take pro pictures. I don’t know that I can this time. How can we ever do it again? I will never ever have a family picture. One of my friends mentioned the other day how happy her grandma was to get a picture with her whole family at a cousins graduation.. I will never have that. A seemingly insignificant loss in the grand scheme of life.. but it hurts.. a lot. It feels like a cruel form of torture. It really hit me recently.. with the creation of this new life growing we lost the few family pictures we had. . We thought about[…]

please baby please

I have been avoiding writing tonight. I am struggling with blogging.. because right now I am just emotionally exhausted.. I know when I write I am forced to go into it.. I feel the storm brewing and so much of me wants to run.. and never look back. So I was wasting time on facebook. And I read the update I was so hopeful wasn’t coming about another local girl who was fighting cystic fibrosis.. her parents said goodbye to her tonight. Caley is forever 12 . And somehow it made me want to write.. to be honest with my struggles.. what its like 4 months and a day out. How its still just getting harder and harder. How in the beginning I was so blissfully numb.. how now it feels like daily I am being drug further down into reality. Tony was in a golf tournament today.. now headed to[…]