please baby please

I have been avoiding writing tonight. I am struggling with blogging.. because right now I am just emotionally exhausted.. I know when I write I am forced to go into it.. I feel the storm brewing and so much of me wants to run.. and never look back. So I was wasting time on facebook. And I read the update I was so hopeful wasn’t coming about another local girl who was fighting cystic fibrosis.. her parents said goodbye to her tonight. Caley is forever 12 .

And somehow it made me want to write.. to be honest with my struggles.. what its like 4 months and a day out. How its still just getting harder and harder. How in the beginning I was so blissfully numb.. how now it feels like daily I am being drug further down into reality.

Tony was in a golf tournament today.. now headed to another testosterone fueled event for the night, so I am able to start writing much earlier.. Its disconcerting to write with the light outside.. I wonder if that’s bad to share publicly.. to say my husband is gone tonight. .. if its dangerous. And right now I hope it is. My bedroom is at the back of the house. I will sleep with the window open. .

Yesterday the kids and I  went to Monterey, on the drive home taking a sharp curve onto the freeway I imagined what it would be like to pull over and park the car in the dirt and then just lay in the road. Could I make it look like I didn’t mean to? Could I trick God into not knowing?

I write for me. This is my blog to release and sort out my feelings. I am honest. But I am not dumb, I know people read this DSC_0017and one of the ways I keep from ending my suffering is sharing. I cannot wait to die. I cannot wait to see her again.

…but I know I have to.

Yesterday .. 4 months.

She has now been gone longer than she was even sick.

I woke up on the 12th in a wicked mood. Just angry. Very short with the kids. I haven’t been like since she died. Frankly.. just normal mom irritation. Me reacting that way made the boys team up.. I know I will one day return to the mom that gets frustrated.. and I saw yesterday how in some ways that will be a good thing for my surviving kids. But I am not yet ready to be that person again… the one that little things make me react.

DSC_0048Making my 3rd trip back into the house after they were loaded into the car I talked to myself. Outloud “he is making you mad because he is alive. he is alive. i still have him. he is alive.” And that snapped me out of it.. that and a quick prayer.

During breakfast I lite a watermelon candle (why watermelon) that a friend gave me for birthday. I put it in front of the empty stool at the bar. When it was time to go I tried to blow it out.. it wouldn’t go out. Until I smiled about it and said” good one sissy”.

We drove to a new park.. a huge one in Monterey. Jonathan loved the climbing wall. He got to the top and wanted his picture taken. Looking at it after we talked about how close he was to the clouds. he climbed up.

….again and again…DSC_0096

DSC_0502Before we left we tried out a giant slide they have. Nicholas really enjoyed it. I tried to watch him. To appreciate his joy and laughs but was distracted by the brother and sister going down together .. I imagined her there with us.. with them. How she would have thought up ways to go down all together.. piled on top of each other.  How she would asked me to let her take Charlotte and I would have.

Driving to Monterey is about 1 hour. Yesterday I stretched it out coming home. I cried silently much of the way there. And DSC_0089on the way home all 3 of my littlest slept.. so I didn’t have to stifle my tears in the same way.. I took my time. 1 hour 45 minutes to get home.  I drive comfortably through tears now. With Tony back at work full time its often my only time to release during the day.

I called my mom today so I could go to cross fit (gym day care was closed), I thought I needed it.. I thought since I cried yesterday I was in the right space. Thought I had pushed through the 4 month anniversary…It was a awful workout for me. I just had nothing to give physically.. too depleted…while simultaneously too full.

I was so frustrated that my body wouldn’t do what I was telling it to do. That has been the unintended and biggest benefit of cross fit.. always pushing my body to a point of failure .. having to constantly hit a wall.. and have room to improve. Getting to a max weight means you keep adding weight until you cannot move it. Such a physical representation of childhood cancer..always getting to weight I can’t beat … a disease I couldn’t conquer .13301774854_30dab71933_b

But today it was too much . I ended up walking out .. I was balling so hard by the time I reached my car I was disorientated. I opened the back door and couldn’t figure out how to close it. I wanted to collapse. I think maybe I started to.. . I got in the front and turned on the car and realized that my grief was too physical to drive… I climbed into the back seat and screamed and sobbed into a sweatshirt. .. Once that cloud passed I crawled into the front seat and drove home to my kids .

This is the worst pain I have ever experienced. It is so destructive. It is so consuming. It is unrelenting.

Somedays I think I am one day closer to being with her again..

today.

.. today all I can think is in terms of breath.

One breath closer to to my last .. broken heart still beating. ..

i need you Jennifer. even in my dreams. please baby please.

I can’t believe how dependent on my 6yr old I am. How I beg her for help and for advice. It’s not natural.

are you trying to send me signs? is it really you? please baby please.

I’ve never not trusted myself so much before. Never had such a lack of faith in my own perception of reality.

i’m trying baby girl. i really am. but i wish i didn’t have to.

I feel so weak. I feel so destroyed. so beaten.

i hope it smells like watermelon baby. i hope everything i told you is true.. i remember what i said. i still mean it buggers.

i miss you Jennifer. with all of me. please baby please….

please.13301424245_c57355dcca_b

 

 

 

45 Responses to “please baby please”

  1. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and Tony and JLK and your sweet boys and C. I wish I could give you a huge hug

  2. Oh Libby, I am so glad you only imagined the worst for yourself. I am glad you chose to cry bitter tears to get relief from the pain. I am praying for continued peace and understanding for all of you. Hugs…

  3. I’m so so sorry Libby. I cry with you. I cry for you. I think about all of you every single day. Especially your beautiful Jennifer. She has become a very special part of my heart. And will always be there. All my love and prayers to you all. All 6 of you ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  4. It’s only been four months. Wow. Hang in there libs. I was so sorry to hear about CAley.

    I saw a butterfly when I was swimming today. Thought of you and Jennifer.

    It’s hard to hear you talk about dying yourself. Even the faintest idea of joining her by your own hand. It makes me so sad to think of that and your sweet family without you. Anyone who has experienced suicide in their lives has sat and cried and been immobilized by it — please Libby talk it out here. It’s safe. But if you truly think you might go there please please talk to your family or friends.

    You are in this whirlwind now. And you are meant to make a difference. Be that wind of change in this fight. You and tony can do this.

    If you need to delete this I understand. If I said nothing I’d never be able to live w myself.

    Hugs again to you ….

  5. Praying for peace. I am here for you if you ever need anything. A stranger that cares. Hugs, love and prayers!

  6. It will never be easy but it will get easier. Please have faith in that. I am praying that God continues to give you grace to get through each day.

  7. I’m sorry. I hate Cancer, it’s a fucking fucker (sorry, but I am sorry for using such words in that case). Jennifer should be in yor arms. She should be with you and your family. I’m sorry.

  8. I have nothing Libby, no words that can possibly convey how sad and angry I am for you. It is so unfair and unnatural that a mom has to go on and live after losing a child. Your willingness to share and be so honest is going to impact change, it has to.
    xoxo

  9. Libby, since last night I have been trying to think of the words to right. The right words to express how I feel. I cannot. There are no true words to express my pain I feel for you. Emotionally and physically. Seriously, my heart hurts. For weeks after Jennifer passed I slept in my almost 6 year old daughter’s bed. Holding her so tight she actually told me so. After reading your words last night, your heart ache, I ended up right back in her bed….this time my daughter woke up and said “Mommy, your tears are getting me all wet. It’s okay Mommy, I am okay”….oh how I always hope so….

  10. I have no words Libby. I don’t know you but just want to wrap you up in my arms, hold you. I hope today is more peaceful for you.

  11. My heart breaks for you..i couldnt imagine the pain and hurt you are going threw..every post you write brings me into tears…i pray that god helps you threw this

  12. Libby i wish I could take your pain away and put Jennifer :-)n your arms and put your family back together like it used to be but I can’t I can only be here to listen and support you in what ever you do, I do believe all these little signs are Jennifer because remember she wasn’t ready to leave you and this is her way to show you she’s still here with you so as hard as it is just enjoy these signs and talk to her it really does help and remember you will hold and smell your little Angel again. I don’t judge you for what you say or what your thoughts are I judge you as a normal human being with grieving thoughts and a big loving heart. Libby your Beautiful person and it good to get your feeling out, I’m here to listen. Big hugs and Angel kisses 🙂 🙂 🙂

  13. I don’t ever comment but today I need to. I think of you & of Jennifer every day. I’m still reading and we’re here for you to lean on. I wish I could make this better for you. Lots of love, Libby.

  14. Libby,

    I am so very sorry for your loss of precious Jennifer and your tremendous heartache. Your blogs deeply touch my heart. God Bless and keep you safe.

    Jan Rien

  15. Dearest Libby,

    There are no words of comfort that I can s that will take any of the pain away. Only time will ease it but I do not think it ever dissapates. Please remember that Jennifer will always be with you. With you in your heart, your spirit and your soul. She can never be truly completely taken away from you. Four months seems like eternity to you, I’m sure, but what you feel is true, raw and ragged and will eat you alive if you let it. Feelings of wanting to die are all part of the anger and frustration. But please dear Libby, I do not think that is what Jennifer would want you to do. She wasn’t a selfish child. Having you with her means her siblings would not have a mom. They need you too more than ever right now. It worries me to hear those kind of thoughts. As hard as it is to reach out, because as we all know once an event is over all the supporters go home, you need to seek grief counciling. It sounds like you are not letting those close to you including your husbund help.

    pLease, please keep writing, journaling, whatever keeps you sane. But please seek out the comfort that can help you cannel that terrible grief in the right way. It would be an important.step for eventual acceptance and healthy relationships within your family.

    Love, and hugs sent your way.

  16. Still here, reading and praying. I am glad you have places to share these deep, dark thoughts. That’s how I know you will be ok. You share and let people in. I hope you are also sharing this with Tony and your family so they can hold you together when you need to fall apart. Jennifer is showing you signs….the candle is a perfect example! I pray she comes to you in a dream soon. ♡ to all 6

  17. Thank you, Dd, for what you wrote. I feel the same.

    Please, please, please, Libby, keep writing and saying whatever you need to say. Get it out…..every thought, all of the anguish, moments so horrible that you want to die.

    But every night, I pray that you go to bed knowing that God brings new mercies EVERY morning. He is your lighthouse in this darkest storm, and He WILL bring you safely to the shore. Always somewhere, somewhere, above the clouds of our storms, the Light never stops shining, and it WILL break through to you.

    We keep talking about how much you are going to accomplish in the fight against pediatric cancer. But you have already done amazing things….. bringing awareness and hope to so many.

    I am so very blessed to “know” you. Please take care of yourself. I pray right now that you cling to Jesus, and always trust He is holding you.

  18. Your honestly is helping so many of us , yes so painful and you don’t know as much I wish I could take this pain away, I can’t image, I know that I cry each time I go into Nob Hill, I know what check out stand we see beautiful Jennifer,sometimes I smile because I did see you little girl but mostly my heart breaks , love you Libby, I will always here if you need anything

  19. You are safe here and you are loved. My heart breaks for the pain you feel and the depth of your loss. Your anger is brave, asking for help is brave, feeling so weak is so brave. I think it gets harder and it gets easier. I believe in you. You don’t have to do anything and I will keep on beleiving in you. Honestly I just feel so much for you right now I am struggling to know how to express myself so just… Lots of love.

  20. Grief never ends, but it changes…
    It is a passage, not a place to stay.
    If we’re to value the life that was lived.
    Grief is not a sign of weakness,
    Not a lack of faith.
    Is the price of love…

    Be strong please! Your kids need you!
    Love and peace…

  21. Your writing is so deep that I feel your pain everyday I read your blog. I pray for your family everyday and hope your angel visits you:))

  22. Libby,

    As usual, I really have nothing to offer but my eyes to read your pain and my heart to feel it. I pray every day that you will just have peace, if even for one more minute than you did yesterday.

    Love and peace,

  23. I too have nothing to offer but my eyes and my heart. Praying for peace for you too. Please hang in there Libby. Please

  24. I will not try to talk you out of the relief of being one day closer to seeing her, because I cannot imagine what it is to endure what no mother should have to live through… As long as you feel like sharing, I will be here listening with a fervent wish the life finds a way to move your pain to the background.

  25. Sending prayers and love in your time sorrow. I cling to this scripture of gods promise at Revalation 21:4 when I feel deeply saddened by the death of a lost one.
    “And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”

  26. Dear Libby,
    Jennifer would want you to be strong for your 3 surviving children. What would they do without a mother? I pray for your strength and comfort. God bless you in this most difficult time.

  27. Dear Libby,

    I have been a long time reader, though this is my first time commenting. I read your posts every day, and my heart always aches for you. I am grateful for your sharing, because it has made me a better mom to my beautiful little girl.
    I came across this piece today, and found it so moving. I immediately thought of you and wanted to share:
    http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/09/13/221043643/treating-kids-cancer-with-science-and-a-pocket-full-of-hope
    My favorite lines-
    “a life doesn’t have to be 90 years [long] to be beautiful.”
    and also, the response of 2 parents upon learning their son was going to die from a brain tumor:
    “His parents were on the other side of the curtain that separated his bed from the rest of the ICU. And they were saying to Hayden, ‘This is just like when you’re going to be dead. I’m still here, you’re still there. We just can’t see each other. Then they would open up the drapes,” Olson says. See, I’m still here, you’re still there.’ Close the drapes. ‘See I’m still here, you’re still there. That’s what it’s going to be like after you die.”
    You’re here, and so is Jennifer. Even though you cannot see her, it is clear how much you can feel her presence all around you.

  28. I am sorry in a million, infinite, unending number of ways. None of this is fair.

    It’s unbelievable she’s been gone longer than she was sick. My mind reels…..

    I hear all you say and I believe I would be the same way. I’m sorry, and I’ll never, never stop being sad for Jennifer and your family.

  29. Please keep writing….keep screaming….keep crying. Please know that we are all “here” for you & listening. Keep talking to whoever & where ever. I promise you, you will get through this….the rawness you are living does dull a little. As I say to my little girl sometimes 20 times….” Wish you were here. Wish I was there. Wish it was different. Wish wishes came true” Libby….please keep going….

  30. Oh Libby – my heart hurts for you… praying that God will give you the grace and strength and courage you need for each moment… each day… one at a time.

  31. Still reading still praying. I’m glad you are honest. I’m glad you feel safe here to say how you feel. We are holding you in our arms as you write…as you go through your day…til we are all together again reading your next post. But I still wish I could really be there to help more.

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