Fathers day morning

Heavenly mothers day worked well for me today.. but heavenly fathers day sticks in my throat.  I haven’t figured out yet what I want to say to my husband.. what settles well. So far looking him in the eyes and just saying happy fathers day seems to convey all the emotions I am feeling.

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He is my perfect husband. The only partner I could imagine on this ride. He is a the daddy I always wanted for my kids.. in happiness and joy… in grief and loss..

In her life and in her death. ..

For this man of mine I am eternally grateful.

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My last blog was hard and gritty. I know it was scary for others to read. But here is the take away from it all. ..

I will never do something to hurt myself. I can’t wait til my time comes.. but I also know I cannot force it to come early. Jennifer never gave up… she let go and for that I am proud of her.. but she never gave up. I won’t either. And if for no other reason (though I have several) I have doubts that I would see her again .. and I am just not willing to take that chance.

Even in my darkest moments… I have never given serious consideration to hurting myself. Though for the first time in my life I can understand why people would. My mind works in pictures not words.. so when I wish I was dead its in a picture.. when I think about flying I actually visualize it. .. its just how my mind works. When I write.. I put words to the pictures in my head.

I see a counselor … I talk with my husband and I have people in my life that when they are worried about me talk to me about it

… and I truly believe I have a little girl looking out for me.. she sent my sister to me the day I needed her the most on this journey… and she continues to send the right person at the right time.

For this daughter of mine I am eternally grateful.

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29 Responses to “Fathers day morning”

  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this horrific journey…I have 2 daughters of my own and would feel the same if I lost either one of them so continue to write. I am not judging you in any way but admire your ability to put one foot in front of another each day. God Bless you Libby and I continue to pray for you daily.

  2. Libby, I never got the impression you would hasten your own demise. I can see it’s just your heart wanting to be next to Jennifer’s again. I know you have many reasons to hold you here. The fact that one of your key reasons for staying is because Jennifer never gave up…not shall you…shows that she gained her strength from her Mommy. {{HUGS}} One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Slowly the pain changes, ebbs, becomes something different. Never gone…impossible to forget but changed.

  3. My heart hurts for both of you, but especially on the days like today that you worked so hard for. And being without the one who first made you Mommy and Daddy….unimaginable. I am thankful for the support you both have, in each other, in others, and in the angel you have looking out for you. Happy Father’s Day, Tony. We will continue to keep your whole family in our prayers.

    PS. I think, from the pictures you have shared, that the kids mostly look like you. But WOW does Charlotte look like Tony in that one! 🙂

  4. Oh, Libby. I read your last blog and ached for you. But I know you would never take your own life. I know getting all your feelings and thoughts out is cathartic for you. I never for a second thought you were talking about killing yourself for real. Just imagining, dreaming, writing. Your pain and grief is still so very raw. It’s only natural you’d have these thoughts. No one is judging you. We all feel for you. We love you. We are so thankful you are allowing us to be a part of your journey and glimpse inside your mind. I am honored you let me know your innermost feelings and thoughts. I hope I never lose a child like you have. Of course not. But if I ever do, I will be *slightly* more prepared because you have shared your journey with us. If that makes any sense? Also, I have patients who have lost/lose a child. I feel your blog helps me become a better nurse. Thank you, Libby. I love and respect you so much, Libby. You are doing a great job educating the rest of us on grief and child loss.

    As always, I am so very, very sorry, Libby.

  5. Hi Libby. I read your blogs, I listen, I feel with you. I believe you have so many on this journey with you. Thank you for sharing. I believe it’s relieving for all, for it has affected an entire community. Though we don’t quite know each other, I am well aware of you and your beautiful family. And your baby lives on. Godspeed. <3

  6. All the love that I can give to you today and everyday. I think about you all and pray for you all every single day. ♡

  7. Libby

    No explanations are necessary when I read what you write I know you are feeling something many of us can’t understand. But what I can understand is you need a safe place to vent a roller coaster of emotions. And that is why I continue to be here as a presence for you.
    I will continue to be here for you as long as you need.

  8. I can’t in any way imagine what you have gone through by losing your baby girl.

    I can’t in any way imagine that your baby girl would want you to live in such torment.

  9. I thought about Tony so many times today… Wondering how his Father’s Day was. Still praying for all 6 of you. Daily trying my best for spread the glitter. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️Hugs

  10. Libby~so relieved to read you would never do a thing to hurt yourself. You are worth so much more…..and Jennifer would not want you to leave her daddy, the boys, and Charlotte. I am sharing something quite personal here–I have tried 3x and am still here. It is not worth it as I was in much physical as well as emotional pain after each try, but I too deeply understand why someone would consider it as I did try. Please keep the faith and remember that you are very loved. this coming from someone who has never met you.

  11. I can honestly say that if I lost my daughter I would feel exactly how you are feeling right now…. There are no other words to describe your horrific pain your great loss… My God Libby I admire you so much you really are an inspiration to all mothers out there …. Having lost a child or not you have shown us how to go through day at a time one foot in front of the other through the darkest moments of your life no matter what they are! God bless you and your beautiful family I will always be here for you and Jennifer will always have that special place in my heart!

  12. You and Tony have been on my mind all day, I hoops you both had a good fathers day. Your post you write are from a grieving mother that’s lost a big part of her heart.We’re all here for you with love and support.

  13. Your last blog post actually helped me tremendously. My grandma has been very sick lately, she’s 90, and is going to die soon. I was sad but then after reading your post I weirdly began to feel overjoyed for her. She’s lost 2 of her children and her husband, and I am happy she’ll soon be reunited. Thank you so much.

  14. Hoping Fathers Day was gentle on you both and that Tony had a happy day on another one of these “firsts”.

  15. Thinking of all of you today but especially Tony. He is in my heart today for the wonderful father he is and you are as you support a father grieving.

  16. Tony, I’m sending you love and light on this incredibly hard day with this hole in your heart. You honestly must be one of the best fathers I’ve ever seen. I hope Jennifer sent you a little sign today.

  17. Libby, I’ve been reading your blog long enough to know you wouldn’t actually harm yourself. I am glad you have an outlet like this blog, to be you. You shouldn’t have to worry what other people will think. Just be you.

    The other day I was gardening with my husband and my son happened to be outside. A beautiful butterfly was flying around him for about 10-15 minutes. Stopping for brief moments and returning. I couldn’t help but think of your Jennifer in those moments. Still sending you much love.

  18. This blog is you, it is an extension of you and I hope you never feel the need to justify what you write here. Everyone knows you will persevere, everyone is here to help pull you out of that back seat.

  19. No explanation necessary Libby. I have been reading your posts long enough that I know you will stay for as long as you have to. I am glad you are able to post so honestly. I hope it helps a little. I don’t know you but I love you. All 6 of you

  20. I thought of you and Tony many times on Father’s Day, I am sure it was harder than any of us can imagine. I am praying for you and your family always

  21. I love the photo of Jennifer and Tony at the bowling alley. It looks like she squeezed him so tight that he has her finger prints on the back of his head. Thats love. Thats Daddy’s little girl.

    I know what you mean about your mind working in pictures and not words; and then putting them into words sometimes people dont understand. I am the same way and often times have a hard time explaining it to people. But know, Libby that you are wonderful with you words! You are bringing us along on your painful and unimaginable journey. Its not just Jennifers beautiful spirit that brings us in; its her mothers beautiful spirit and honest words also.

    You are such a brave and loving mother/wife/woman. Please know I am sending you and your family light and love.

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