Tag: guilt

calling

I’m trying to follow that little voice inside my head a lot more lately. I would have used to call it my gut instinct… but now I attribute it to more than that. I had been finding little things that reminded me of one of Jennifer’s little friends…and her mom…We had. . well fallen apart through all of this. And it hurt me. A lot. I hear its normal. I hear it happens a lot to friendships of woman who have lost children . But these little signs and nudges the past few days made me want to call her today. To say lets talk.. So I did. We did. And I am glad. I can’t say for sure what is leading me… or if I am just doing a better job now, following that intuition. But so far its been really good for me. If I feel like I[…]

foggy

Fog. I feel like I am living in a fog  .. Like is this all real? Sometimes it feels like I am looking at somebody else’s life..and so hard to admit “out loud” sometimes it even feels like its somebody else’s daughter. Like it cant really be that my daughter died. I don’t know how to explain it or even what to make of it. Frankly it scares me… Maybe it just shows how  disturbing all of this is… that my mind pulls back…lets a fog roll in to blanket this tragedy.. ..am attempt to protect my mind and save my sanity. Its incredibly disorientating. Because then all of the sudden…the truth blasts me. Something will happen that allows me to see with a clarity that destroys me. Today one such occasion was the butter. When we lived at my parents, throughout her radiation, we brought butter her own butter.[…]

enough

This was us… just A month ago.. yet also a lifetime ago…her lifetime.. Today however was actually ok. First therapy appointment. Went well. We will have separate appointments in the next week. Paperwork… .. . how many children living in your home? I teared up. and got somehow really nervous about what to write. I wrote all 4…with names and ages… Our friend watched the boys so we could take Charlotte to the dr …another ear infection… We got there and the kids were being so goofy…wrestling and smiling. …we laughed. a real laugh. Just one, but enough. the guilt punched me in the gut. ..the feeling of laughing without her was horrible. And it shook me…in a whole new way. .. We talked for quite awhile, luckily Tony with the husband and I with the wife. Talking about Jennifer relieved some of that guilt..About missing her and how I[…]