This was us…
just A month ago..
yet also a lifetime ago…her lifetime..
Today however was actually ok.
First therapy appointment. Went well. We will have separate appointments in the next week.
.. . how many children living in your home?
I teared up. and got somehow really nervous about what to write.
I wrote all 4…with names and ages…
Our friend watched the boys so we could take Charlotte to the dr …another ear infection…
We got there and the kids were being so goofy…wrestling and smiling.
…we laughed. a real laugh. Just one, but enough.
the guilt punched me in the gut.
..the feeling of laughing without her was horrible. And it shook me…in a whole new way. ..
We talked for quite awhile, luckily Tony with the husband and I with the wife. Talking about Jennifer relieved some of that guilt..About missing her and how I will keep her alive in our family.
We also talked about some of the random thoughts that occupy my mind. Like that I know how hard it is for people to know what to do with/for us. The number one is people attempting to make a connection with us, surprisingly this is an especially big one for Tony. Texting, emails and even phone calls…My advice to anybody who knows somebody facing the worst time in their life is to risk getting shut down. Risk getting rejected…because you certainly might…
But if you want to help…its a risk worth taking. So reach out. Just be sure you do it for them. With no expectation to have the reach accepted…
..I personally accept some and reject some…it depends on the moment….the place I am emotionally and what my needs are in that moment. But I appreciate those brave enough to take the risk.
On the way home we stopped to get McDonalds. That threw me..the old me…
.. .the real me …would be bemoaning how hard it was not to be able to just stop and get food on the way home. How
unlucky we were.
I was so lucky…so very very lucky.
We ate and bathed the kids. And shared more laughs and snuggles…but this time she was back in the forefront of my mind so no real guilt.
Now tonight sitting here I am trying to understand that guilt. I’m a little afraid she is “sad” seeing us seeming to forget her. That she is jealous wanting to be with us…physically…living breathing..experiencing.. I understand the idea of her being with us always..but I am not to the point to not attach human emotions to her.
And guilt that I laughed..a real laugh. Just a moment. ..