watching

I am starting to get so exhausted. I can’t fall asleep. When I do its a restless sleep..I think it’s often filled with nightmares. And the kids are waking up a lot at night. Not a good combination.

Still this morning I felt a urge to run…so I did. I want to just keep running. I felt that way before…like I wanted to grab my whole family and outrun her cancer. Now I want to run from my breaking heart…but I can’t.

I am my broken heart…it is me.

At night like this…alone and awake. I ache so much for her. I feel it physically. Tony and I gorge ourselves nightly on desserts..and when he goes to bed it all wants to come back up. I grow terrified that I wont be able to do this…

.. .that I will never survive without her. . .that maybe I don’t even want to…am I even really trying?..

Talking with a friend today she said she has read a lot that those that have passed can communicate through electronics. I feel that way when I run and listen to music. Songs come on I have never heard. My first instinct is to skip them…but I stop before doing it. And the songs always make a impact.

..it all seems so crazy and beyond belief, but so does everything in my life right now. I don’t want to look too hard for a message from her. But I also don’t want to miss one if its being offered.

The boys and I watched videos of her today. I could have done it all day long. Its all I want to do now.  Hearing her little voice.. infectious laugh…love for us. i love you It fills me…to the brim. It lets me pretend she is still here. Then I stop…and the emptiness …the space in our lives with her missing…is even more pronounced.

I was so acutely aware of the times she was saying ” Mama…” but I was too caught up filming the boys or something else. I do not want to do that to her still..If she is finding ways of trying to connect..I want to hear her.

I read every comment on here..and I can remember being a reader of blogs or articles like this. I would read it and appreciate my kids more…be slower…Naturally though I would slip up…and forget. And I would forgive myself and start IMG_2385anew…tomorrows a new day kinda thing. But now.. now I know…so personally that there are no guarantees.

…for us there are no new days. Just this same groundhogs day dressed up different ways…but the core of the day is always the same.. .

Jennifer is dead.

Today running it made me mad…that the innocence and the natural belief in renewable parenting..has been stripped away. Me too.. I have been stripped down to just the framework of the mother and person I used to be.

I was the strongest person I knew. I can honestly say that. But now I am so broken..beaten…

..destroyed.

This I cannot rise above. I’m like milk that got left out… tricky because it looks fine to the naked eye..but when they go to drink from me…its spoiled.

I used to be able to push through…power through…because I was able to see a end in sight. I went to a baby shower while having a miscarriage because I didn’t want to regret missing out on a special event just because I was hurting in that moment. And maybe a bit for the challenge of it..I never gave up or let us be defeated.

But I can’t fix this. There is no way out. We have no options…There is no end to be seen.

…and frankly…I don’t care to fight.

It sounds crazy, but I think it just sinks in a little bit differently everyday ….but then my memory, my mind  rejects it…and the next day I start all over again. Tonight I walked around and saw gluten filled food throughout our home. Food that would make her so sick…now slowly replacing the food that kept her safe.

I want to throw it all away. I want to complain how hard it is to live with a daughter with celiac. I want that to be her disease…

.. .i just want to hold her again.. .

DSC_0033Watching those videos today with the boys was hard.So many memories and so many fears for whats to come. We loved the garlic festival…planned on going every year..The first year we took a family picture and planned on taking one in the same place every year. How can we now? And they make these frisbees there. We always buy one…will we still put her name on it?

All these questions flooded me today. What will we do on her birthday? …and mothers day?

Tony and I fought so hard to become parents…parents to her. That we chose to make mothers day and fathers day the big holidays for each other. We wanted to always honor each other and the gift that is parenthood.  For us it mattered more than our birthdays and Christmas.

 

 


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Valentines day . I was so cheesy ..I tried to make all the holidays fun…Now this one is beyond tarnished, 2 days after she died.

 

Ruined all of these days …

Please make this go away. Please make this not real.

. . .let me wake up from this nightmare. ..

please!

One of our favorite games lately has been Jonathan on top of the play house tossing his parachute man down..Today while up there…Jonathan told me he hated me. This was a first. He didn’t mean it. He was just a little upset and the words tumbled out.

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But I would be lying if I said it didn’t sting…if I said it didn’t worry me…

Does he blame me on some level? Or resent me because our lives have so changed?..I used to be a “on the go” fun stuff kinda mom..

He has lost his sister and the mommy he knew. ..

I’d hate me too.

 

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92 Responses to “watching”

  1. Praying with all of my heart that you are able to find peaceful sleep tonight, both you and your precious family. Free from nightmares and all of the thoughts and realities that are keeping your mind and heart held captive. Even if its just for a few hours, (please let it be more), I want this so badly for you all. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  2. When I was little, my Aunt lost her second daughter. My cousin. She was small, only a toddler. But it crushed our entire family. Over the years, she had also heard about those in the invisible communicating through electronics and she didn’t really believe it until a few weeks ago when she’s sure there was a message coming from her daughter through one of her electronics. It coincided with something else so specific it would be strange not to think that the two things were connected.

    That’s the funny thing about death. People who pass over are never really “gone.” Physically, yes, but not their emotional and mental self. Their spirit. And they can come and visit us, in our dreams, and in other ways. I don’t think Jennifer will ever be gone from around you. She’s anchored here as deeply as an unborn child that is waiting for life would be. She’ll be there in spirit helping the little ones just the same as she did in her physical form.

    No matter what happens through time, kindred spirits always find ways of connecting.

  3. He doesn’t hate you. He is just hurting too. He is so young and that is prob. His way of coping . He loves you so much just as all the children do. You have to give yourself time to grieve. You would not be human if you didn’t. Again I can not even begin to imagine what you are feeling daily all I know is I think it would be close to impossible for me. It’s only been a short time since she past. Go easy on yourself. Yell, scream, cry, do it all and know you have a support team behind you. We are always hear listening, reading, praying. Much love

  4. I just came from the school run, picking up my 2 years old from the nursery, he fell asleep on the way home and had to be carried into bed. He will not see me till the evening around 7 pm. Then the 4 years old from school, she was upset about swimming and scared of the water which she loved before. I dropped her home to the nanny too, tried to have a quick chat about swimming and her fears and had to run back to work. Felt really guilty and was thinking about your words, how reading about your pain of missing a daughter every day can slow us other mothers down and pay a bit more attention to our kids.
    So I slowed down and spent an extra 10 minutes even though I was already very late for returning back to work. That’s the effect you have on me…thank you!
    Yesterday during work-out in the gym I was thinking about Jennifer and trying to make a sense of why these things happen to children. Then I realized I did exactly the same the week before in the gym. And before….and in other places.
    There were 2 babies and a few other children on that Malaysian airlines plane, I just can not get over it what was the purpose of their birth to this world. And when I feel like that I know I have to remind myself that we are too small to understand this and the bigger picture. That there has to be a bigger power who knows why and why now.
    Jonathan doesn’t hate you, he hates the situation in which he is, i.e. he doesn’t know how to handle the pain of missing his best friend. And he loves you very much because you are the one who will show him how to handle pain and be there for him when he is sad. He loves you like all your kids, try to love yourself again a bit too, you deserve it! xxx

  5. A year and a half ago my daughter almost died. *almost*
    She’s still here, healthy again. Her personality is different, but she’s HERE. I swore during that time that if only she made it through I would NEVER yell at her or punish her again. I swore I would always appreciate every moment of her. Well….time has gone by, I’m not perfect, she gets grounded, and I still raise my voice. All the things I swore I wouldn’t do. I feel so guilty.
    Yesterday she made me crazy (as every child does at some point). We stopped, I cried and then something wonderful happens! We started -right then and there- “a jlk moment”. A moment when, in our frustration, we stop, take a breath, hug and remember how lucky we are to have each other. It changed the mood in the room, it made our “problem” not really a problem. It made it a loving memory of having children.
    Please please please please know that when you’re looking for a message from Jennifer and not seeing one, she’s not gone/missing…..perhaps it’s just that her incredibly big LOVING heart is helping other families…like mine….

    Our jlk moment.

  6. I think Jonathan is struggling to express any of the emotions he’s feeling. Of course he doesn’t hate you, but he is in pain and he doesn’t know what to do with that. So are you. There is no “right way” to get through this, so I’m afraid I don’t have any sage advice. But I do want to say that it is okay to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time. I can see by the way you describe yourself Libby, that you demand a lot of yourself and maybe even expect too much. Your strength is still there. It is carrying you everyday and it’s still as much a part of you as it always was – you just have to trust that it’s going to bend in different directions throughout this journey. And in the moments that it feels your strength may give way, that’s when everyone around you will offer you their strength. Including the glitter squad. xo

  7. Libby

    You were and still are that strong mom. Don’t you see god intentionally gave Jennifer a strong momma because he knew she needed a mommy Just like you especially her last weeks and days here with you. It was a divine plan. Libby each night forgive yourself and allow yourself to just feel what you feel.

    Lots of hugs

  8. Hang in there. I read your blogs and I ache for you. I lost my 12 year old son Miles almost 7 years ago and no parent should ever have to go through that kind of pain and heart ache. I’ve been through the pit of despair you are in and I just wanted to let you know that it does get better. You won’t miss the signs that Jennifer gives you because she will make sure you get them. 😉 She sounds like she is an amazing little girl and someday she will help you see the beauty again. Hugs to you and your beautiful family.

  9. Libby, you ARE the strongest mom I know and that is confirmed each time I read one of your blogs. I hope that you were able to get a little sleep. I think of you and your family every day. Love & hugs.

  10. You are in this one day at a time and they are tough ones. I pray your memories will deepen and your days will get a bit lighter. I send you
    courage…….

  11. I know the videos are rough right now. I am glad that you have them for in the future. As for pictures as a family, still take them. You are still a family, with a piece missing, but still a family. The other three will appreciate the pictures when they are older. When making items with your names on them, I would still put her name on them. She is still part of your family….just in the form of your guardian angel now.

    You will again become the “fun mom,” but it won’t be for a while, and that is ok. Others who have traveled your path and are much further along say the first year is the hardest. All of the first missed holidays that you wrote about. They get through them and find ways to celebrate them in a different way. If you do organize the run, or the foundation, maybe have a big event on her birthday to still celebrate her.

    Thinking and praying for you all the time. ♡

  12. Libby,
    When kids are hurting they strike out in their safe place. Know that you are Jonathan’s safe place. He knows that whatever he says or does to you, you will love him no matter what. You are beyond amazing. I am praying for all of you…

  13. I believe you will be ok through this. I think one day, only when you are ready, you will be able to be that mom again- because you know Jennifer would want a happy life, still be a happy mom- will you ever be whole? Probably not, but would any of us be? I think it will just be a new way of being a happy mom. This is still so fresh- keep giving yourself time. You are doing everything you are supposed to- and Jonathan? He is too- I’m sorry his hurt is coming out right now in such a painful way. But he loves you and needs you most right now so you are an easy target. I’m so sorry all of this is happening. I’m
    So sorry Libby.

  14. Libby, I am so sorry for your pain. My heart hurts. Would it help when making decisions, like the Garlic Festival and Holidays, if you thought about what Jennifer would want/you to do? As always, sending all my support, hugs and prayers to you and your sweet Family.

  15. My heart aches for you and yours. You are constantly in my prayers. I read every day and pray for your family. (Hugs)

  16. I have read EVEEY SINGLE post on your blog about you, and Jennifer and all of your babies. I relate not in your pain but with you life before this. My daughter is 2 weeks younger then Jennifer was. I could NOT imagine doing or going through anything you have and my heart aches and hurts SO BAD for you. I would be the exact same. But as bad as you may feel I think you are doing an amazing job. I hope time heals the pain… I know it wont ever stop hurting but I hope time helps. LOOK FOR MESSAGES FROM HER, they are there and in full effect. My mother passed when I was young. She sends me full blown messages ALL the time. I love you and your family and I don’t know you but I wish I did.

  17. Libby, I am so thankful you blog about grieving and tell about every feeling openly. So many people will benefit from it. I hope you are offering yourself some grace – letting yourself know it is okay to feel all these things. This is strength – your blog, sharing your emotions that is strength. How much you love, listen for her, miss her that is all strength. Thank you for sharing your fears with your readers.

  18. Still here and still reading Libby. Love and hugs to you. I think about you many times each day. Praying for peace and healing for you and your family.

  19. You are so much stronger than you feel or think. You are making your way through an impossible journey and succeeding! Every day will bring new challenges and even though it may feel like you are just existing, you are discovering a new version of you. You are an amazing mother and wife to your family, all of them! It’s not fair that this happened, it’s not! Hopefully you can find joy knowing that your blog and future efforts in advocating for other children with cancer is making a difference, more of an impact than you could ever know! Much love and prayers to you all!

  20. Libby, you will get better. You are a strong and courageous woman, who loves fiercely. You are hurting, beyond measure. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You will survive this, I know it. You will find ways to be happy and to be fun again. It’s only been just under 4 weeks. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is, I’m sure it seems impossible. You have 3 living, beautiful children who need and want you. You have an amazing partner in life to lean on, you can do this. So much love and prayers for you. This little town of ours is here for you.

  21. you are a strong mom Libby. You are hurting, so are your kids and Tony. It is ok to feel the things you feel and wish the things you wish. It is ok to wonder what holidays and events will be like without her. It is unfair, so unfair that you even have to think of these things now. You are so strong Libby. Love and hugs continuing to go your way <3

  22. I’m sure everyone has been giving you grief advice. I feel like mine is cheesy but wanted to share because it honestly the only thing that ever helped me. I read a lot of books on people who have had near death experiences. The most recent one was written by a doctor who never believed in the “afterlife” until he experienced it. It’s called proof of heaven. It made me feel better knowing my loved one was somewhere safe and not just gone. It may sound silly but it reinforced my beliefs that maybe were gone or tested after I had lost someone close to me. Hope it helps.

  23. I miss Jennifer. I want her back! for you, Libby. every time i hug my kids i think about jennifer. And how precious this hug is. and how you must long to hold her and hug her. I was driving the other day and started imagining a Ghost scenario, where you jumped into whoopee goldbergs body and was able to see and hold and touch and hug jennifer a few more times. I imagined myself being you in whoopee goldbergs body and i imagined what jennifer smelled like what her hair felt like and how soft and sweet her cheeks were. I wish i could bring her back for you. Its weird but i miss her so much. I almost cant bear to read your blogs. cuz it hurts so much. She is every wear, her spirit is felt every where. Thinking of you.

  24. We have never met and I check daily for updates…..you are strong and brave. A truely amazing mother. I cannot even begin to understand your suffering but I do believe, with every ounce of who I am, that she is with you and sending you those messages. Praying for you and your family.

  25. So many thoughts but none of them are “right”. You don’t need permission or blessings or judgment from anyone to feel how you are feeling. No “you shoulds….” Or “you are…”. Just support and hope. Hope that the thread you are unravelling for children’s cancer research is also the one that you can hang onto when it feels like there is no hope of ever feeling the warmth of true love. There is a fine line between love and hate. Both are the most intense of emotions. I pray that love grabs hold of you and that God provided you comfort and some level of healing. Your heart has always been strong and full. I hope that you can forge forward with your loving determination soon.

  26. I echo the sentiments of those who posted before me. I also want to hug you, take your pain away, turn back the clock. I also think of, and pray for, you and your family every single day. I remember reading one of your earliest blog posts, and feeling this desperate need to spare Jennifer. To please, please just find a miracle; a cure. I still wish so much she’d been the first. I am so very sorry for your loss, your pain, your daily suffering. As Emily posted — I too have read on other pages and blogs about parents feeling the first year is the hardest. Some feel the second year is even harder because dates and occasions sneak up on them, where they ‘prepared’ themselves for those ‘firsts’ but not the ‘seconds’. One thing they all seem to agree on, however, is that it does get easier OVERALL. I pray that you can find some peace, Libby. I pray that your children can experience all of the joy in this world that they so deserve. I pray for Tony’s broken heart, as well.

  27. Sending you so much love!!! I so wish for you all you hearts desires and wishes!! Each day you are honest and raw, my heart aches for you and your family!! Your thoughts, feelings and emotions are just.. Together you will all be “ok”.. I hate that word for you right now ..I just wish you so much love to help and support you to make it through to the next day!! And I do believe that Jennifer will always be trying to connect with you…because connections never really stop.. They just change. ; (

  28. Hi Libby,

    I just want you to know that I think you are a wonderful person who is doing the best they can.Please be kind to yourself.Cry,punch a pillow,go for a run or whatever you need to to feel better if even for a moment.

    You and your family are in the thoughts and hearts of so many.

  29. You say you cant “do” it … but you are. You said you didnt want and couldnt leave the house … you did and do. You are nurturing your other children … talking with friends … comforting your husband. You are helping the children by offering support both internal and external. You might see it or feel it but you are doing okay. It sucks that you have to …it just sucks BUT you are doing it. Why is that? I think its because of who you are …inside. You won’t give up because thats not the way your spirit is. So you will stumble and cry and say things you might not mean … because you and will always be Jennifer’s mom. She got her strength andcaring for others from you. Thinking of you everyday …sending you positive thoughts everyday … praying for you everyday. Love love love from Cincinnati.

  30. Hi Libby as I read this it breaks my heart. I have grown to love your daughters beautiful little face and big beautiful eyes and her smile, well that just puts the icing on the cake. See what I’m trying to say is that just because Jennifer has passed does not mean she is gone. Strangers like myself are falling in love with her every single day because she is still here by spirit. When looking at family videos look into her eyes and she will be looking into yours. When you do notice how every noise around you has gone mute and right then is when Jennifer is spiritually talking to you with just the gaze of her big beautiful eyes. Only you can and will hear what she is telling you. HUGS AND PRAYERS SENT YOUR WAY!
    Oh and by the way, when your kids say they hate you they don’t really mean it, what they are really saying is I LOVE YOU in their own way. When my 2 year old tells me that I just say its okay your supposed to hate me or I’m not doing a very good job as your mom. You are a strong woman Libby for going through all you have and still sharing with us. Just keep praying I will.

  31. I’m still here, I’m still reading, and I’m still praying. Libby, you are strong.
    With writing this blog and letting others see into your life takes strength.
    I pray that you get some peaceful rest and soon. I wish that I could do
    more for you, but no matter what I AM listening!

  32. The Day i found out my niece had gone into a coma she would never wake from and died 3 days later…i stopped at the stop light that morning and this was on the license plate of the driver in front of me…Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through him who strengthens me”…if that wasn’t my Aliza talking to me, it was God himself – they do find ways to communicate… I only can say that I pray for your comfort… and so many are rooting for you. you are a good mom and wife – don’t ever forget that!

  33. Libby,
    I am still praying and thinking of your famaily daily. I am a friend of Amy McKinney’s and I wish there was something I can do to help you get through this. Just know that we pray for you EVERYDAY! Hugs

  34. I’m still here for you, reading, praying, and sending love. I’m not going anywhere, friend. We are all here for you!

  35. There are so many things I want to say…

    You are still strong !!!!! You are grieving. That does not, in anyway, negate your strength.

    You ARE still a mother. You are your children’s mother. Your son doesn’t know how to express his grieving, I would imagine, so he unloads it on to the person who loves him the most.

    None of this is your fault !!!!

    Please, please, please be kind to yourself. What you feel is what you feel. There is no right or wrong.

    Okay, I’ll stop. These are just my opinions, of course. It just breaks my heart to see you hurt so much, and to blame yourself.

    Sending all my love,
    Diana

    P.S. I have something that I would really love to send you. Is there an address I could send it to? If you’d like to message me, my email is dianap@cummingsprinting.com. If not, I totally understand.

  36. I don’t comment much, but just wanted to let you know that I’m still reading….still praying……still thinking about your family every minute of the day. My heart breaks for you and your family.

    I just can’t seem to muster the strength but to say your process of getting out the hurt and anger is a good one. Thank you for sharing your process. Your life. Your experience. It has helped countless others.

  37. I believe in you. I know that you will survive this intense, real pain . You are so present and conscious. I wish I could pluck you out of this place and put you into a your future where there has been some healing but as her Mom I don’t think you’d really want to skip this part. Because its about her . It’s about your love and connection that you still have with her . The other day you reminded me of that new show and I thought about who I would want to come back and of all of my loss my heart chose JLK.

  38. I had a dream with your Jennifer the other day and the rest of your family. Wish I would have written it down when I woke up, because I don’t remember the whole thing. I do remember that you were trying to teach them how to swim and you created this waterslide and pool in your backyard. You planned all this things so they wouldn;t be afraid of the water. You even let them swim in their clothes. They were all laughing and having a wonderful time, and at the end, they were sharing with me what a great mom you were. She was laughing and showing me all these things about you. It’s hard to even think father than a day ahead, but still celebrate those days and even her birthday. Instead of gifts, have people bring donations for her fund, let them wear wacky comfy clothes and enjoy the silliness that is her!

  39. Dear Libby,
    I know there are no right words in this situation, but ill still want to say…
    What you are going through is expected reaction to such a horrible tragedy. I have 2 1/2 years daughter and cannot even imagine what i would do…… I have goose bumps and getting sick just trying to imagine that… . It is such an abnormal and devastating tragedy that is beong any comprehension. There is no explanation any logic in it this is why it seems to be so impossible to handle.
    You are still very strong woman! It will take time to learn to live without physically having her next to you but she always will be in your heart and mind… Always!
    I’m sending you all my love Libby!

  40. I want her back for you too, Libby. I think of you all every day. And see Jennifer is so many places, even if it’s just a small hint of her.

  41. I wish you could see what we all in internet land see. you TALK to your children. you allow them to express themselves, you help them work through their emotions. you ARE a wonderful mother, even though you don’t feel that way.
    i wish we could take away this pain. anything. I hope you can feel all the prayers being said across the country for your family. I pray you feel the love of Jesus.

  42. Libby, I have been wrecking my brains to try and come up with something comforting to write to you so your pain could be a little less, perhaps. I simply cannot but I feel compelled to say something now. I have known you for many years now and I KNOW you are a great Mom! You always have been and always will be, it is just part of how you were built. Johnatan felt comfortable enough to express his grief to you, please see it and take comfort in that! Only the best parents can get that from their kids.

    Libby, I really want to out my arms around you and your family and protect you from the hurt!!!!

  43. Sending you so much love! Your blogs leave me with such sadness and love for you. I can not imagine what you must be going through.

  44. Your still the strongest person I know Libby. You know how amazing it is that you even get out of bed? That you even numbly fumble through these horrible days? That is strength. This will change you, your family, your children.. But that laughter that Jennifer had in those videos was because she was apart of you, Tony, and your family. The joy she felt from your unit. She would want that still, for Jonathan and your item kids. Someday you will power through and laugh and feel in her honor. She would want you to live in her honor. Jonathan doesn’t hate you, he doesn’t even know what that really means. It sounds like he’s looking for shock value. I’m praying for you guys all the time.

  45. Everyday I try to respond, and find so many others have said it better, so I erase and read in silence, anonymous. But your pain is so unfair-so very understandable, but truly unfair. Please try to be kinder to yourself. You do deserve the kindness, and not just from others. And in case it helps, George told me he hates me. And it stung, though I know he didn’t mean it. All kids will do it, even with no losses. Hugs Libby.

  46. “I’d hate me too”
    He doesn’t, he can’t…he’s just hurt, like you & we take it out on the ones we love the most. You are one of the strongest people I know (even though we’ve never met). I continue to support you from afar<3 you'll never be whole again, but you will be mended. And I hope we are helping…

  47. You are so loved.. By your family and by us! I. Am so sorry this happened to you .. To Jennifer… I hate cancer and what it has done to families like yours… You will survive this your family will help you survive and Jennifer will be there every step if the way… When you run she will be running with you.. When you laugh again and have fun again she will join in just in a different way.. Just know she will never leave you! The world lost a beautiful soul and the heavens gained a treasured angel .. The heavens sang and the angels danced when Jennifer arrived!! I miss her and love her so much and I haven’t even met her that is to the extent that she touched our lives she has left a bit of glitter in all our lives!

  48. I didn’t lose my child – I lost my husband. But every emotion that you have described I have felt – from just wanting to run and run and run till your legs give out, to eating dessert to fill that hole, to being physically present with your kids but not really being mentally present, and hearing your angel send you messages through songs… I just want you to know that all of this is so normal. You question yourself, and you are hard on yourself, but I want you to know it is all okay. You are normal…and we are all hear for you.

  49. This is just a thought, one way to look at the Past Holiday’s is in a small way it was quite a blessing that all last year you did not know those Holiday’s would be her Last Valentines Day her Last Mother’s Day and Easter… et… Because in not knowing you Celebrated them up right with lots of joy and Happiness the memories for those days will be Pure and Whole and Joyful not covered in the fact that it was her last of everything – someday those memories will mean the world to you and in some small blessing they will be happy memories not just sad ones because you knew it was her last!

    So very very sorry for what you are going through we all wish we could take it away from you and from Tony and from your kids – we can’t though but we can keep reading and offering up what little support we are able to offer! <3

  50. He doesn’t hate you. Trust me every kid at some point says that or thinks it. Your a wonderful mother Libby. You have to stop blaming yourself. You had no control over what happened to Jennifer. Any mother in your situation will grieve that’s normal. They say there is a grieving process…denial, then anger. I think we all our pissed. I was so upset when you said such a small percentage of funds go to childhood cancer. That makes me sick. Your right that has to change. I wish I could take all your pain away. But from one mother to another I cant…I’m sure you will always hold pain in your heart. When you ask “WHY” I do too? Why A child? why no cure? Why so fast? I break down into tears reading your blogs because I may not have ever met Jennifer but she was so precious so our and yes so innocent. She is with you Libby through music, through your everyday heartache. Just rest assure on one thing she feels NO MORE PAIN. SHE IS A FREE ANGEL AND IS MOST LIKELY HOLDS YOUR HAND AS I WRITE THIS. MY PRAYERS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ALWAYS

  51. Maybe instead of looking through electronics for a sign look at your children. He doesn’t hate you at all. He just needs comfort to. Maybe the sign is your daughter saying wrap your arms around them as she would have done. You have said even in her final days she reached out to you and your husband to comfort you both. Carry on her legacy by doing the same for her brothers and sister. If it had been one of your other children isn’t that what she would do? I don’t know you or your family but I read these blogs everyday hoping to read you have a good moment in your day. She is in transition and one day will be able to send you more signs. You will be able to feel her arms around you. My thoughts and prayers are with all of your family.

  52. She is totally with you. When you find it hard to breathe, like your chest is caving in but somehow you still manage to find breath, it is her. She most certainly watches over all of you, but mostly you. She needs you to know that you will be ok. There is no timeline for grief. Allow yourself the right to grieve and allow yourself Time. She is absolutely there, when you can’t see her, you can feel her. You are right to look for the messages, but when you aren’t looking she is most present. Keep doing everything you are doing. Keep doing it all the while knowing that your community supports you. The impact that your amazing daughter has had on us, those that have never even met you, and yet we continue to carry on with you and pray our support can somehow assist in holding you up- she is present in these moments as well. Because our words, our thoughts and our prayers are filled with her- and with her we give all of our strength and love to help get you through whatever you need to get through. I don’t know you but I send you ginormous hugs.

  53. I have learned that the loss a child is the HARDEST thing a person has to deal with. I commend you on how honest you are with every emotion you are dealing with. Having children is the most beautiful thing in life, it is not suppose to be this way!!!!!!!!!!!! Dealing with a loss, dealing with your own feelings, dealing with your spouse, dealing with the boys feeling, dealing with every day…It is all new. Keep running, scream do what you need to it is all alright. All of you have done such a fantastic job for Jennifer and you will create an incredible life of memories for all The small amount I know she is amazing! All my love to all of you

  54. Again, I don’t know you, but I just wanted to say that I think that you are probably stronger now than you’ve ever been. Reading your blog and hearing they way you dealt with everything, I thought you were strong then. Now, knowing what you went through in such a short amount of time, I think that you’re even stronger. I wish there was a better word than stronger, because honestly the strength you had to not crumble and run away and hide, or cry in a corner, but to keep going, I think it’s amazing. I am in awe that if I was ever dealt with something concerning my child, that I hope I could even have half of the strength you’ve had through this. Thinking of you and your family.

  55. I have been reading your blog since right after Jennifer passed…and all I can say is that your words and story have impacted me and my life SO much. I find myself walking through the day and thinking about you and Jennifer, and the pain that you feel losing her. I imagine what that pain would be like, and an arrow goes through my heart at the thought of losing one of my children, and I am sure that’s not even 1/1,000,000,000th of the pain your feeling. I am so sorry. But know that you are changing mothers everywhere. I no longer take my children’s kisses and hugs for granted. Thank you and Jennifer for that.

  56. This I believe. I believe God gives us what we can handle. He gives us the children that need us.. or maybe the other way around. I believe that when it was Jennifers time to come to earth her soul knew it was going to be a short visit and said.. make it a good one for me.. so God said “here is Libby” she’s strong, tuff and even though this will break her heart and even though this will be a life changer she will find a way.. and she will also be a wonderful mother to your brothers and sister. Be patient with yourself.. forgive yourself… even though you dont feel like you are doing an amazing job… because at this point the fact that you are existing is a far better job then I think anyone could do in your position. Always reading… wish I could do more then just read.. Prayers for strength.

  57. I read your blog everyday, and everyday I hurt for you. I wish there wish something I could do. I’m so sorry Libby, I pray someday you will feel not so broken. xoxo

  58. Fight fire with fire Libby. I know your going through hell….keep pushing forward. Your world is upside down, but I pray you find some sort of gravity to make your world right side up again. The world is waiting for you. Your children who are in front of you are waiting and ready for you. Please oh please lord give Libby strength again. Heal her heart and soul. Please give her some kind of light to see in the dark to find her way out. Were prayin for you all. Praying for you to brighten the world of your home again.

    We love and care for you

  59. I have been reading all of your blogs. Not sure how I first came upon the page to pray for Jennifer, but when I did, I was hooked! Your daughter is a beautiful soul and I believe she is still with you, all around you. I can only Imagine the horror of your life and I know the thought of her spirit being with you really is no consolation and might even piss you off more when you read statements like mine. I can only say that I am so very sorry that your beautiful little girl is no longer with you. I will remember her and you and all who lover her in my prayers. I will pray that someday you will find peace and comfort and that those who know and love you will surround you with their love and support and always be there for you. Prayers from Media, PA

  60. You are still the strongest person you know. It’s just that you are now a new person, and you have to know this new her. But that part of you is still there. She is the one who knows she has to write these things. Again, I thank you for writing them. I will keep reading them, and thinking of you and JLK and the rest of your family.

  61. I just want you to remember that you don’t have to live all of these days and holidays…not yet. Not today. And all the “I should be’s,” and, “I’m supposed to’s,” and the, “I used to be’s.” …please let go of them. Please don’t hold yourself to some unattainable level of perfection. Your whole family is going through the worst thing anyone can experience. There’s no road map for that…no one-size-fits-all journey or set of expectations. All you can expect from yourself is that you try to take care of your family to the best of your current ability. One tiny step at a time…let the rest go.

  62. Oh, Libby, my heart aches for you. I don’t know if the dead communicate through electronics, but this I do know – God communicates through everything. Every song, every sunbeam, every memory. Even electronics! He will be your comfort. Perhaps one way He comforts us is by sending us messages from our loved ones who are with Him. At least I know that He reminds me of my loved ones who have gone ahead – seems to draw me close to them. Like the other day when I used my grandmother’s button box. I could just see her smiling to know that at least one of her granddaughters can sew a bit.
    We have a picture of Jennifer on our fridge. It reminds me to pray for you often. Today I will pray that God will grant you rest.

  63. I have read your blog after a post from the Team G foundation posted a link. I have cried for you, your family and beautiful Jennifer. I have been to Lucille Packard with my nephew just last year during radiation. Flying from California to Rhode Island on my way home, the tears just wouldn’t stop. All of the little tiny bodies fighting such a beast. My nephew is in remission for the second time. There are no words to make this better or easier. Just wanted you to know I read everything you post. I have showed my daughter Jennifer’s glitter shoot. We are here with you through this blog. Just wanted to write a comment because like so many others, there are just no words. Be we are listening, and when or if you are ready I believe you just might change the world for the better. You do not see or feel your strength, but I do in each word you write.

  64. Libby,
    I think of you and your family daily. Like many others on here I just wish there was something more I could do to take away the pain and bring your sweet little girl back. I spent the last 20 mins in the card aisle of a local store searching for the perfect “just one” sympathy card to send you. Every card seemed so lame and generic, so impersonal. How could i find the perfect card to send someone who has lost a child? There isn’t one. That devastation and feeling of despair is so deep a piece of paper is just inadequate. I finally settled on a simple one and went on in search a some fun character cards for the kids. I again was left standing in the aisle so frustrated that I was not able to find cute kids cards that didn’t say happy birthday all over. Then it hit me…Hallmark doesn’t make sympathy cards for kids because no child should have to deal with a loss like that. The realization literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. It’s not fair and it sucks…bad. I hope you find comfort it this community that surrounds you. We are here to lift you up and support your family in any way we can. xoxo

  65. Oh Libby – I don’t know where to begin! You must first stop beating yourself up! You were a perfect mother to Jennifer, she knows that, we know that and most importantly God knows that. He gave her to you, maybe only for 6 short years, but He trusted YOU with His gift! Today I sat in a surgical waiting room, while my daughter lost yet another pregnancy, 2nd one in 7 months. My heart is broken again, yet I’m thankful these happened very early. I know you endured this several times, it must have made you the strong mommy you are today! I want to offer you another Facebook page that maybe you could make a connection to. It’s Mitchell’s Journey. A young boy who passed a year ago from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. This is a disease that too is 100% fatal. His father is amazingly real as well. He speaks about tender mercies, soemthing that seems to have helped his family. I believe that your families could be a great support!

  66. I am a pediatrician, and I rarely follow pages on Facebook about people fighting cancer, not because I don’t find them inspirational or important, but because i see so many kids’ battles in my job, in my daily life, and it’s too hard. Too hard to see the pictures and know exactly what is going on in that child’s disease, too hard to know exactly what that child is up against, too hard not to think of my patients and my own 2 little girls. But something about your page got inside my soul, it was liked by a friend and I saw her and before I knew what I was doing, I had hit the “like” button and became a listener, a witness.
    I read every word you write and I ache for you. I cry for you, for her, for your family. I look in her eyes and feel like I know her.
    I have nothing to offer you but prayers and hope. It’s not enough, I know.
    I will remain a listener, a witness.
    Much love. ❤️

  67. A beautiful cold, a patient of mine, passed away this morning… I’m sure they will meet and play together. Love and prayers.

      1. my earlier post is still being vetted by the site. Basically it says something about Jennifer got into my soul, and I am privileged to listen to your words, as a doctor and a mother. You are an amazing woman, to even answer my comment, thank you, thank you, you cannot know how special I think you are, how I wish I could help you… How I look forward to seeing her pictures… So much love to you…

  68. Day outings? One new tradition named by each family member? Jennifer will be there on every outing. Your heart, Mama. Be soft with your heart.

  69. I read your blog everyday, I have never been a blog reader but after hearing your story through Taylons I check everyday. A death of a child is not normal, so how could you feel anything but horrible, however don’t ever doubt your abilities as a mother. I don’t even know you but can tell your are a great mother. Just think of all the pictures, videos and memories you have to hold on to. This is because you were and still are a great mother. Today you feel broken, empty and don’t see an end. I’m not going to tell you it gets better but I do know from my own loss in my life after time it gets a little easier. This does not mean we don’t still love and miss our loved ones it just means that we know deep inside they would want us to be happy. Today you are broken but in time Jennifer will be there to help you maybe not physically but spiritually and there will be a time again when you feel happiness but you also have to allow yourself to feel happy and in time it will come. Hang in there God Bless you and your family

  70. U are a wonderful mother. Ur daughter was loved and is loved so very much by u. Ur children will always miss her but ur there to teach them about her. My heart breaks for u. I can’t imagine the pain yet I can cause I only have one child who is eight and I don’t know what I would do without him. Ur daughter jennifer wants u too be short u are …to be the mommy u always were….for the other children…. its OK to miss her and want her back and it is truly OK to laugh and smile with ur other beautiful children. Jennifer would want I to be happy and be mommy. I watched ur beautiful video of the glitter and daughter and u…. i cried. U gave jennifer such a beautiful life. She is forever embedded in this world. Her spirit is all around u always. She will never be far from u… u have to let urself be mommy it is OK to be a mom. To the others just like u were with jennifer. It daughter was amazing strong beautiful determined loved happy spirited …u did a wonderful job with her. u will see her again I promise but u have to be a mommy to her siblings. U can do it. Jennifer knows u can do it please please don’t beat urself up..u and tony were the best parents to ur precious daughter. Please read this book called growing up in heaven… its real helpful it might give u some relief. Please know I have so many people who follow ur story and this is not the end of a life jennifer lives on into the lives she touched here on earth. There was a huge purpose for her and its hard for u to see now but please know u are never alone and jennifer is holding ur hand and running thru life with u always…. take care of all ur children they need u and its OK to miss jennifer and cry but its also OK to laugh and create happy times with ur other babies. Jennifer would want that. All.my love to u . Ur friend tara from new jersey.

  71. I think those of us who don’t know you or your family miss Jennifer because of different very profound reasons, even simply being parents. We have little girls at home too who have that spunk and sweet fire that is heart wrenching to think of it ever being extinguished. Jennifer helps us be better mothers, you help us be better fighters and your battle will help other families and children who will one day, through your non-profit, be thankful that Jennifer lived with an almighty purpose.

    Trust me, even though we can see the love shine through your pain, there is nothing any of us wants more than to give you Jennifer back.

    So I will give a little of her back to you, because I like “listening” to those elusive but heavenly messages.

    Not long after Jennifer passed away, my husband and I took a trip to Target without our kids. We were sitting on the bench outside and actually discussing JLK (my husband knew Mary, JLK’s grandma, because she tutored him in ESL for a little bit) because it really, really shocked and affected us as parents. RIGHT in that moment the wind blew, and glitter, yes GLITTER flew all over us both! Someone or some persons, had spilt, I assume, tons of glitter around that bench…and it just swept right up toward our faces…it was all over my husbands jeans.

    I do not call that coincidence…some people might, but I know Jennifer would be disappointed if we didn’t thank her for making her presence felt and seen. Who knows how us humans are all connected in some way…you and JLK, you are not related to me…not physically at least, but I do believe in the soul and I do believe God makes us all brothers and sisters.

    That is my only explanation and I need to honor it, in memory of your precious daughter.

  72. I never know what to write, but I read every one of your blogs. I just want to invite you to run with me anytime you need some company. We can run in silence or we can chat whatever you want.I run everyday from the high school at about 530

  73. You are still strong, Libby. Your strength may be hiding and sheltering, but it is still there. I know you will feel it again someday. And it’s ok that you don’t now. Thinking of all of you.

  74. Libby, I know you want to be strong and “ok” and push through and conquer this like you have everything else, but maybe the answer is to let go and surrender to your feelings of grief. To not beat yourself up about who you are in this moment and who you feel you are right now. Your behavior or feelings right now do not define you forever or lock you into being “that person” forever- it just means its what you are experiencing right now. There is no shame or failure in your grief. I know that most of us cannot fathom the depth if your pain, but we stand with you and your family. Your heart will never ever be the same, but life will not always feel this dark. You’re wonderful and loved and not walking this alone. Thinking of you all the time. Xoxoxo

  75. I started reading your blog shortly after jennifer passed awaym I started from day one and read each blog. My heart hurt as I read thru the good days, knowing it would all come to an end too soon. I cannot imagine the heartache you experience every single second. Reading these blogs makes my heart hurt so bad sometimes it literally makes me sick to my stomach and I never even knew your precious little girl. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could take the pain away for you. I’m sorry life delt you such a shitty hand. I’m sorry your little girl was taken so soon. I can’t imagine everything seeming so perfect one day and only 4 short months later your life is completely upside down. My heart hurts for you and your sweet family. I hope it helps to know that because you are sharing your story I, as well as so many others no longer take things for granted. I don’t worry about the little things. And when my husband gets stressed about bills or deployments I remind him that there are families like yours dealing with much harsher things and instead of being stressed I am thankful. I am thankful for the health of my loved ones. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and fears and the beautiful pictures if jennifer. My heart goes out to you.

  76. Libby,
    I may not know you personally, but my heart aches for you. Our family prays for you all the time. We love you and your family and we are sending you strenght and courage in this horrible time. Run, cry, scream, do whatever you need to do to help yourself. JLK is always with you, and she will find the right time to let you know. My thoughts are with you all the time. <3

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