Tag: charlottes birthday

is 3 real?

Tomorrow morning I wake up to a 3 year old little girl… and it makes me sick to my stomach. and really really angry. I, like all moms, get a touch melancholy about their birthdays.. about how quickly time passes once you are a mom.. But my ridiculous decorating the night before their birthday has helped it become a fun night.. Birthday eve. The other kids get to stay up and help decorate and wrap presents. I make the birthday kid a birthday chair horrifically decorated in balloons and streamers.. Its made me happy to have them turn a year older. A day all about them. . and I like giving them that. Nothing expensive.. just attention and traditions. I’m usually excited about their birthdays. .. even after Jennifer died I still have loved.. maybe even more if thats possible.. decorating and getting the house all ready after the birthday[…]

is this normal

Baby Charlotte is 2. I have never had a 2 year old without a newborn on my hip.. She was supposed to stay the baby of our family.. she won’t. And we are so very grateful for this new baby we are waiting to arrive.. but wish I could have all of them here.. Its a bittersweet thing. Getting down the decorations I actually really liked seeing all the things we had hung up over the years for Jennifer. I touched them .. so many starting to break apart now and I remembered how much she enjoyed getting to wake up on the morning of her birthday to a decorated house.. how she had her own princess and Dora and pink sparkly decorations.. I liked it. I smiled remembering her and those birthday moments. We have some decorations that are hung up for all the kids. I remembered her being[…]

presents/presence

I woke.. just a few minutes before the birthday girl. Those moments alone were so necessary.  I went to her and wished her a happy birthday… I tried to steel myself for the onslaught of the day. We waited for the boys to wake up then we went together to see what we had decorated for her. She seemed to really like it.  We decided to wait on opening presents until Daddy came home.. and we headed to Monterey. I needed to get out of town.. to be near the water. I needed to make it a good day for them.. The drive allowed me the time to think.. and be in myself. Before we left we baked some gluten free cupcakes. Jonathan asked for gluten free and it felt right to me also. We walked on the beach and let balloons go for her.. messages to sissy… Jonathan’s main[…]

many

Today was hard.. at different times for different reasons. This morning I woke with the elephant on my chest… one was missing. Tony and Jonathan got me a gift to symbolize all 4 kids. We ate breakfast together.. Then I felt it coming. .. I asked him to take the boys out while Charlotte napped to get decorations for her birthday. I went to her room… and fell apart. Completely unglued. Talking to her.. praying.. sobbing. Then I washed my face and got ready for them to come home and go for a hike. We walked to the trails right by our house… the ones we had always talked about doing… …later. Today was later… one kid down.  Jonathan and I talked about things.. and I felt so thankful for the 4 people walking with me. We came home and it was nap time for Nicholas. For the first time[…]

reflex

I feel like I am circling  the drain right now… my muscles tightened and ready to snap. .. surviving only as a reflex. Its like so much is hitting at the same time. Tony being back at work was the least of it actually. I did ok with it. Set little goals like getting our laundry washed and put away accomplished.. I missed him like crazy. He has been my best friend for years… but we are now connected in a way I can never put words to. The infinity symbol comes to mind though.. I worried for him. How he is going/feeling… and how worried I am sure he is for me. Since he knows… So much will come to a head for me in a few days. My first time speaking. I hope I will do well. I hope I can be a asset in this way to[…]