many

Today was hard..

at different times for different reasons. This morning I woke with the elephant on my chest… one was missing. Tony and Jonathan got me a gift to symbolize all 4 kids. We ate breakfast together.. Then I felt it coming. .. I asked him to take the boys out while Charlotte napped to get decorations for her birthday.

I went to her room… and fell apart. Completely unglued. Talking to her.. praying.. sobbing.

Then I washed my face and got ready for them to come home and go for a hike. We walked to the trails right by our house… the ones we had always talked about doing…

…later.

Today was later… one kid down. DSC_0577

Jonathan and I talked about things.. and I felt so thankful for the 4 people walking with me.

We came home and it was nap time for Nicholas. For the first time since she died he asked to nap in her room. And he called her Jennifer…

We all really missed her today. I wasn’t expecting that. .. I was “prepared” for me to.. and for Tony also. Mothers day without her was also so very hard for him. But I was surprised by how much the boys were impacted also.

Then we headed to my parents house.It was a smaller group than normal which was good. And I had already gotten out so much emotion earlier.. I thought I was all good. Then something triggered it.. the thought of where we were just 3 months ago..

laying in bed. waiting for my oldest to die.

and 1 yr ago full of such joy…

laying in bed waiting for our youngest to be born..

Both my daughters..

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and each others sister.

My almost one year old and I went for a walk.. and I cried and cried again.. and talked to Jennifer. About Charlotte’s birthday.. how much I know she would have loved to have been here. How sorry I am that I couldn’t find a way to make it happen.

Then home to decorate for baby Charlotte with my boys. DSC_0602

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***thankful to Tony for capturing this moment***

She always loved this tradition.. decorating for her siblings and waking up to a decorated house on her birthday. I should have been sad about kissing baby Charlotte tonight.. her last hours as a baby .. in her big sisters jammies…

Instead its just one of the jumble of emotions I am feeling. .just another thing added to the mess of me .. I have nothing really to write..I am emotionally drained..

so emptied.

I just think one day I might want to look back and remember today..

first of many mothers days without her..

first of many many birthday eve decorating nights without her..

and just another night to cry myself to sleep.

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43 Responses to “many”

  1. I thought of you and Jennifer the moment I woke up. I hope you had a Mother’s Day full of love and memories of your little girl.

  2. Again, I am so sorry that the day you fought so hard for and treasured so much is so difficult now. I pray that Charlotte’s 1st birthday comes with some laughter and smiles and happy moments, however brief.

  3. Happy BirthDAY…a day that will forever be yours and Jennifer’s. this one is for Charlotte…a day the two of you will share forever. Hugs and prayers coming your way! Thank you for continuing to share.

  4. Keep remembering!!! Your doing so much for your kids, your loving them and caring for them in extraordinary ways! Your making more memories for them and yourself and their Daddy in ways you will cherish forever! Love and hugs for you all! Happy Birthday to Charlotte!

  5. I just wanted to say that I see a light still shining in your eyes. No matter what you feel inside, that light has not been extinguished.

  6. Thought about your family a lot yesterday. Still here reading, sending hugs & love and praying for you all. You continue to inspire me. Happy 1st Birthday to beautiful Charlotte!

    XO

  7. I find myself scrolling to the bottom of each blog first, before reading every single day, just to see that big picture at the bottom, whatever it may be. I have always loved pictures and the ability they have to capture a moment so perfectly…never have I ever seen someone so beautiful, happy, carefree and in the moment as Jennifer in the pictures that you post.

    I don’t remember which blog it was but there was one time you said something along the lines of how it is hard to believe in God sometimes but there has to be something after this life where you will see Jennifer again, where we will all see our loved ones again…this stuck with me. Who knows what God’s endgame is…but there is something after this life and you will have a Mother’s Day with Jennifer again, with all four of your kids again…with the most beautiful and lively six year old I have ever seen…and I have only seen her in pictures…to know her in real life as a daughter must have been the greatest treasure.

    We are all in awe of you, even the ones who do not know you personally, like me. Happy belated Mother’s Day and birthday to Charlotte who will always have a big sister decorating the house with her glitter, in whatever way that may be.

  8. Today I also my birthday, and yet I choose not to celebrate it today because I am still separated from my children, coming up on four years. Ironically, my daughter is also an Oct 28 girl. I am more interested in hearing from my lawyer that we have filed paperwork to get my ex back in court for ignoring court orders to send me and my children into reunification therapy than in going out to dinner and opening presents. That can wait–reunification is everything. Unlike you, I will get my babies back, but how much damage four years of negative imput can do is as yet unknown, but the grief is still there, with an odd, “maybe someday” promise I keep getting from the court while they violate me and the kids civil rights. Do your best to enjoy Charlotte’s day, and take pleasure from the overwhelming confusion and joy she gets for her first special day (“I’m just supposed to eat this sugar stack with my hands, and everyone’s OK with this?”

  9. I’m so so sorry Libby. I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain. Gosh Damnit it’s unfair no mother should feel this pain you feel everyday. Cancer is such a evil evil thing and it’s stealing our children everyday. THAT HAS GOT TO CHANGE!! I know you feel guilty. But there was NOTHING you could have done. She knows how much you love her and she knows you would have done anything to take it away. I am NOT going to say that she doesn’t want you to feel this way, because that’s NOT what you want to hear, I know you have said that before. But I know Jennifer was with you yesterday. You may not have seen her but she was right where she wanted to be, With her mommy on Mother’s day because she loves you so much. She always has. She will be there today to celebrate Charlotte special day. I admire you for your strength to blog and tell us everything your feeling. I know that is can not be easy doing it. I cry every time I read your blogs. Jennifer could be any of our daughters. Something has to change with pediatric cancer. We as parents have to come together to change it. Your in my prayers everyday, always!!!

  10. Happy Birthday to baby Charlotte! I hope you will look back on her birthday and remember how happy she was with all of you on her special day. I continue to pray and send my love to all of you. You are brave and strong and an inspiration to all of us.

    Hugs,

    Vanessa

  11. Happy birthday to your little one! You and your oldest boy look so much alike. 🙂 Thought about you on Mother’s Day. Your will is amazing!

  12. I didn’t know you could be on my mind and heart more than you already are. This weekend we drove through gilroy on our way to and from a wedding, it was Mother’s Day, Charlotte’s first birthday. You have been in my heart so much. Then I read your Facebook post and held Tony there too. I am so sorry for the part of you that has to survive days like these. And thankful for your moments of happiness. And here for all of it, listening.

  13. I keep asking God lately to reach out somehow and give me a tangible sign of his existence…a ghost, an uncanny coincidence…something…but it’s just, silence. I cannot imagine your need to feel Jennifer again…to feel something that isn’t wrapped up in pain and loss, to hear her, to feel her, smell her, to turn a corner and see her waiting for you.

    Will our problems be solved when we leave this life? Will the answers and comfort come in the next? I want to believe, yes…want to think JLK is barely a whisper away, waiting to catch you turning that corner, be there suddenly smiling, wondering what took you so long. I need to hold onto that in my heart…I pray you can as well even if it is so hard…so so hard.

    Who wants to wait a lifetime to love their beautiful child, their baby girl? To hold her? We grieve with you…I wish we could help carry that pain.

    Blessings.

  14. Happy Birthday Charlotte! Happy to see you cashing in those “later” moments! Hope you are able to enjoy your baby tomorrow on this special day and feel the presence of Jennifer, I’m sure she wouldn’t miss this for the world!

  15. It must be mixed emotions to juggle two such disparate days, a day of birth and beginnings and the anniversary of such profound loss. My love to you and I wish you a carpenter’s balance to keep the green bubble as close to the middle as possible…but you’re able to keep the balance true without it. Joy, grief. I’m so sorry the world lost that incredibly special girl three months ago.

  16. Your words, and your Jennifer, have left such an impact on so many lives. I think about you and your family during my day when I’m doing something so simple and mundane, how even the smallest things have changed for you. I’m grateful you keep sharing your grief and your brief bursts of joy, Libby. I hope you feel a little bit held by all of us, even we who are “strangers.”

    Much love to you

  17. You’re always in my thoughts, Libby. Happy Mothers’ Day to the most inspirational mother I know. I strive to be a better mother daily because of you. And happy birthday to your sweet Charlotte. You are doing everything right, Libby. I continue to be in awe of you and so very proud to know you. We all love you. xoxoxo

  18. I miss her, even though I never met her. Happy Birthday to Charlotte! I hope it was magnificent in spite of …. I just hope it was magnificent and happy. Love to you.

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