worth it

midnight

I don’t often put music on when I write but tonight I did… this is playing...

now officially mothers day. I wanted to avoid this moment.

now I want to avoid sleep.

I don’t want to wake up without her.

When I pulled out the next size up of girl clothes there was one pair of jammies. .one that was really so Jennifer. I haven’t put Charlotte in them. But tonight after her bath

…her bath that didnt wash away the glitter from last night that transferred from me to her…

I was drawn to them. I wanted to have Charlotte wearing them in the morning.. waking me .. my 2 girls together.. the only way I can have them both.

ever ever again

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I grabbed them.. pulled them into my face and breathed them in.. instinctively hoping for the scent of her. Something I have lost.. The smell of my child. I never knew how special that was. What a gift their own personal scents are.

she said heaven smells like watermelon...my heaven smells like her.

I long for it … right now I long for the relief that I feel my death is sure to bring.

3 sleeping.. 3 living still…  how can I be celebrated by them tomorrow…so undeserving . i should be swimming in appreciation for what i have.

now this is playing

her death had a smell. A distinct smell… It has destroyed me a few times since February 12th. I hate it.. but when I smell it I breath in deeply…

Where are my good memories? Why am I so haunted?

I don’t often miss her as a baby.. but tonight I do. I miss the promise that the earliest years held.. I don’t often cry looking at earlier pictures of her. tonight I am.

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And I am so scared of losing another one of them.

I loved her with every ounce of my being..

i still do.

she made me a mommy. It’s all I ever wanted to be when I grew up and she made it happen. We fought so hard.

she was so worth it.

I always said I would have relived every miscarriage again for her.

she was so worth it.

I guess now all I can say is I would relive losing her again..

she was so worth it.

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43 Responses to “worth it”

  1. So sorry Libby!!! This makes my mother-heart cry too….

    She is beautiful, Charlotte too!
    The good memories will come soon!
    xxx lots of love from here xxx

  2. Hi Libby,
    I just read both blog posts. Like Jonathan said he wanted to cry but he wrestled with dad instead, you wanted to cry but you danced instead. That is what Jennifer would have wanted, she would be dancing with you. For you to find happiness, even subdued like the sun coming through a shade, is all anybody who reads hopes for. I am so sorry you will be missing her this mothers day. I understand wanting to go to her, the pain of loss sucks I can only imagine what is happening in your heart right now. I know you are only here because your love for your other three is also great. You keep saying you hope you don’t miss the early times with them because your missing her, when in actuality I believe you are trying harder to remember because you know you cannot take it for granted. She is there with you, and she will always love you so if you find a moment of happiness enjoy it she will be giggling right beside you.

  3. I think of you and your family all of the time. I know what a long, hard road you walked to be able to celebrate Mother’s Day as a mom, and I’m so, so sorry that it will be hard in a new way now. Sending love and hugs your way every day…

  4. Holding you all up in prayer, but especially you today, Libby. You are deserving of being celebrated by your three younger children. You are their mommy, and from reading this, a damned good one. Be loved, be celebrated, be enjoyed. You deserve it. You’ve earned it. Jennifer’s spirit will be all around you. Praying for as good of a day as possible in this situation, and tomorrow, too.

  5. Libby
    Your kids are so cute and little Charlotte looks so happy and pleased to be
    Wearing her big sisters pj’s. It is as if she knows they are special pajamas.

    Your previous blog there is a picture of you laughing
    With your head tilted back, I see her in you I that picture.
    Little girls for some resin talk and have similar gestures just like there mommies. You carry her spirit in you because you were her and she was you. I don’t know if I make sense.

    Have a blessed day
    Tight hugs

  6. You truly are an amazing woman and mother. A mother to 4 children. The strength you have to allow yourself to grieve in front of your children is so powerful. It’s not something any mother, father, or sibling should have to experience, but your family is so lucky to have you to do it with and feel safe to feel when and how as they need. Today is about you so experience it for you today, however that is.

  7. Oh my goodness. My heart is heavy for you this morning. I saw a article on FB to the moms who have lost a child and you popped into mind. All I could think is it’s not fair. I don’t even know you but that doesn’t matter or change how unfair this is. I’m sorry as you hurt today and everyday it’s just not fair. I walked past a flyer with her & a little boy on it. Again I thought she’s more than just a picture she was somebody’s sweet baby girl and it’s not fair. So I guess on this Mother’s Day I just want to say even though this is so unfair you are one hell of a mother even when you have your doubts. It is bc of you all of us could get a glimpse of who is JLK How amazing she is. How amazing you are. The way you love your children. Nothing can change that ever. Your kids are a gift to you but you are the greatest gift to them. I read a defintion of mother it was to bring up a child with care & affection. That’s exactly what you have done.

  8. Libby we all know Jennifer was worth everything in the world to you she made you who you are right now her mommy, and remember all the feelings you are feeling is because shes not ready to let you let her go and she’s not ready to let you go either your bond was very strong and neither one of you ate ready to let it go. Just remember she’s with you and she always will be . Much love and hugs and Angel kisses..

  9. Found glitter in my bed last night from MNO and thought of Jennifer. Most likely everyone who finds a leftover sparkle will think of her. And you. Here’s to sparkles being found. Sparkles generating thoughts, discussion, action, love. Thank you for Friday night. You ruled the dance floor. Sending you LOVE.

  10. I understand the words undeserving.

    Consider for a minute (or even a second if that is too long) that you are most deserving. You had to rear your baby through death. You did this with caring and courage (and openness).

    Consider the gift that you gave her in her six years, her last few months, and her last few breaths. You mothered to the moon and back in those moments.

    If you are unable to celebrate, I understand. Know that we are all here celebrating you.

  11. Thinking of you today Libby with so much love. Happy Mother’s Day! You will ALWAYS be a mother of four. Xoxo

  12. Yes having her was worth it !! Love the glitter everywhere.
    Happy Mothers Day Libby Kranz. You deserve a wonderful day !

  13. Happy Mother’s Day to you too, Libby. Thinking and sending love to your family of six. You’ll always be a family of 6. <3

  14. There is so much good in your life Libby. Your three ‘living’ children are doing just that: living <3 My prayer for you is one day you will get there again. To the living. To the gratitude. To the knowledge that through your love, Jennifer made her mark in such a grand way. A life-saving way for our future children. You have a huge legacy to fulfill. I hope that brings your heart to overflowing love <3 Happy Mother's Day to you Libby! Sending big hugs to you today!

  15. Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures of her and Charlotte. Such happy, beautiful girls! I hope you can enjoy some of this special day with your family because you are such a wonderful, inspiring mother.

    Sending you love and hugs,

    Vanessa

  16. You are a mighty warrior fighting this battle with strength and courage, teaching your children so many life lessons along the way.
    praying for you today & everyday.

  17. Have the happiest Mothers Day you can Libby. You sure deserve a little bit of happiness.

    Love to you all from New Zealand. 🙂 🙂

  18. Hoping your Mother’s day was just right for you. Our lives with our children change over the years for various reasons. Not 1 person who has ever truly cherished a child would even think that the family dynamic would be changed in such irrevocable way as yours and others who have stared down a fatal illness. Your fortitude is admirable.

  19. Happy Heavenly Mothers Day, Libby. I hope you’re graced with signs from your angel. I know how much you cherished this holiday. As you’ve gone through the motions of today I hope that you smile, dance, and know that you have so many arms hugging you today and everyday. I’ll never forget getting the call that you had Charlotte, another daughter, on Mothers Day last year. My heart breaks for you today and you’re in my prayers. Jennifer was so very proud that she gave you the title, Mommy. So wear it proud, with glitter, spreading the thread for her and we will continue to do the same.

  20. I cry for you so much mother to mother… Oh how I hate cancer and what it has done to everyone… Love and prayers to you always Libby xx

  21. I’ve been bringing you before The Lord for days now…so that He would take care of you today. And today too. Before I go to sleep I just wanted you to know. You’ve also reminded me to bring others too to The Lord. Sending love to you and your family.

  22. As this day draws to a close, I hope it was a good one for you. Unsettling, no doubt, and not quite right: but still a day to celebrate the coming into the world of your four extraordinary children.

  23. Tears….what a beautiful writer you are, so sorry we are finding out about your incredible talents through a tragedy. Love and Big Hugs Libby!

  24. I cant compare myself to you but no matter what when I read your blog it makes me realize what an idiot I could be constantly stressing on all the little stuff. I love reading your blog, I love your family and all its teaching me! We send you tons of hugs and love!! On Wednesday we wear pink =) my love4JLK pink shirt. xoxoxo

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