Tag: beach

a ocean for mothers day

I think grief is like the ocean. .. Powerful and constant. It comes in and goes out. Sometimes a storm passes and it becomes violent and dark. .. sometimes it is calm and peaceful. But it is always moving, always changing, and you have to keep kicking or you will drown. That can be exhausting.. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to be pulled too far out from them.. my shore.  I made it through another mothers day..  I woke up to that swollen feeling in my eyes that let me know I was crying in my sleep. My mind is merciful in forgetting  what I was dreaming about.. The day was good. Blemished and bruised but so very beautiful. I am grateful to this blog for that. By digging and releasing I was able to be open to the beauty of the day versus just obsessing on the[…]

her same long fingers

Her fuzzy head was nuzzled against me. It was a very rare moment for me with Bridgette. My 5th child and by far our most difficult. .. sent to us from her sister in heaven that I can imagine giggling just a little for sending us this little high needs creature. So I was so appreciative of that moment. Her sleeping next to me as the sun came up .. giving me a few extra moments to lay in bed before starting our day. … but suddenly the carpet was swept out from under me. I was pulled away by my own mind from the simple beauty of the moment. To a time 2 years ago .. snuggling another fuzzy headed baby in my bed. Baby Charlotte was just 9 months when her sister left us for heaven. The day after I was broken. Battered. Quitting. I refused to get[…]

roses in the ocean

  **I don’t often re-read what I write. But tonight I did. And this posting is a mutant writing. With makes it a perfect depiction of what its like in my head. Where nothing seems to fit together or make sense coming from one person.. And I am trying and failing not to freak out but all of my pictures are getting distorted as I upload them from my “good camera” luckily I snapped a few to text to Daddy with my phone.. So my apologies for lack of pictures. ** Jennifer loved the beach. So very much. We live so close to it. But I almost never took her. because I always had a baby or was pregnant.. or .. well really time. Its because I counted on time to do it later. I really wish I had taken her more often. Tony left on Sunday so its just been me[…]

run ahead

I am not alone. It’s a big piece of why I still share this blog. Its harder to do now. I feel so much more drained when I write. So much more exposed now  ..  But I share because of the notes I get from others in my shoes or from those loving somebody else that is in my shoes. It’s why I share. I went for a run on the beach while we were there for her should have been 8th birthday.  I often do that when we are at a beach,  but this time I connected to it in a different way. I always look at the ocean and remember that saying about there being as many souls in heaven as drops in the ocean. I believe that. I sensed that as I held her as she died. The fullness in the room beyond anything I have ever felt.[…]

8th birthday un-party

Her birthday. The second one we have endured since losing her. The anniversary of her terminal diagnosis. DIPG. The same day and the second we have faced without her. A un-party. We escaped with the kids. It seems to be the only way I can even begin to imagine facing these huge milestones. To the beach, a beach house that friends of our family open up to us. I like being somewhere she was. Being able to remember her in one corner. .. or on the stairs or sharing a meal. She was here with us once. Alive and whole. We mostly escaped social media and our phones on the trip. But Tony and I each took a few moments of solitude to escape into the digital world. We saw post after post about our daughter. About moments and memories people made with their children .. because knowing a family[…]

She is beautiful

This past week was all about running.. moving..Both physically and emotionally. Preparing for our first go as Team Glitter at the She is Beautiful race and launching our first Mama’s Night Out in San Jose put me in work mode pretty much full time. This morning though I woke up in pain. My body telling me it was time to slow down a little. For the little one growing under my heart and for the one I have always carried in my heart. .. It was a beautiful weekend though. . But I miss her right now. Doing events with her so present for so many.. it somehow makes her absence so palpable afterwards. Like I got to feel like her mommy again for a little bit..only to wake in the morning to an empty pink princess covered bed. i miss you baby. It was the perfect race for us as[…]

half the person

She was incredible. I can never really explain her well enough. Why do I have to? Why is she gone? So many kids claim her as their best friend.. (but it was always truly Jonathan) and that’s not because she is gone.. Its always been who she is. She had a “boyfriend”  (she never called them that .. but the cutest boys did seem to flock to her and she certainly never minded!) and a friend everywhere we went.  She would even make friends at the store while we shopped.                   I don’t know what it was but there was just something about this girl of mine that was pure magic. And I miss my magic girl something awful lately. We survived another 12th.. barely though. This has been a terrible time for me.. for us. Jonathan and Tony are just down[…]

one day

We had a wonderful anniversary trip. We walked and spent time together.. and we struggled and we fought as we tried to figure out how to navigate missing the same 6 year old girl in such vastly different ways. I need to talk about her. About all the memories and the moments. Tony needs to escape it more often then not. He looked at this weekend as a time to get some respite from our grief.. A chance to be husband and wife for 48 hours. I looked at it as a time to grieve together.. uninterrupted.. A chance to be mommy and daddy to a girl in heaven. We were both right in what the trip should have been.. The thing is we both failed to share our expectations with each other.. both assuming the other had the same mindset. It all came out over dinner on Saturday ..[…]

grieve

Another 12th.. still not getting any easier. Today was filled with chores. .. Chores like breathing, which today I found so difficult to do. I felt like I was living in jello.. every movement slow deliberate and so very hard to execute. I woke up angry this morning. Not wanting to hear any more “I’m sorry’s” So my post on my personal page was similar to my parenting with my kids. Don’t tell me with your words, show me with your actions. In this case, don’t tell me you are sorry SHOW me… show me you are sorry by doing something about it.  I woke up broken.. just completely depleted of any drive or desire to do anything. But the baby was crying so laying in bed all day wasn’t a option. ..At the same time I also felt this immense gratitude for these little lives I am still being entrusted[…]

birthdays

I had a post in my head ..about 5ks and butterflies… but that will have to come another time.. this is all that is on my mind since this morning. I got on FB and saw my friends post about it being her daughters birthday.. in heaven. I used to feel for other people. I used to be emphatic. .. I feel like I have lost that quality.. but today it comes .. that emotion flooding back. The gut wrenching sorrow I feel for our friends.. the struggle to find the words to convey how much I hurt for them. So I did what I want others to do for me. I reached out, risked saying the wrong thing. And most importantly I put the date in my phone. So I never forget. So every year til the day I die.. whether the friendship remains or not.. I will write[…]