Tag: anger

can’t

A year later and nothing has changed. Again. Here I am . Without her. And today is so much harder than yesterday was. So. Much. Harder. I remember this day so vividly. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I think its the only day in my life I have done that. Tony and my sister went to the funeral parlor. I was in no rush. I didn’t understand why we had to go right away. I yelled at him. Told him I wasn’t going to shower. Wasn’t going to change my clothes. I have never been so angry with him in our entire relationship.. as when he suggested I shower. I couldn’t imagine washing her off of me. I still had remnants of her.. of the last moments of her life on me and I never wanted to have it go away. No. A year. Now its a real year.[…]

forever kindergartner

Oh how a year has changed things.. and oh how it hasn’t. Still sitting here the night before school starts in tears. Last year I had her lunch bag packed and my alarm set. Her uniform in the bathroom all ready to be worn. I had spent the last few nights sneaking into her room to lay in her bed with her.. and sneak back out as I, a then non crier would start to cry… Things had been so perfect. Everything for my perfect little family was going to change.. she would be gone for 6 hours a day… I was going to miss her so much.   Oh how I yearn for that pain again. To still have her 18 hours everyday.. Honestly what I wouldn’t give for just a hour with her everyday. I hope I remember to stay off of Facebook tomorrow.. really this whole week.[…]

warrior

Warrior. Warrior mom. Warrior child. It’s a badge given to cancer families in this world I am slowly becoming accustomed to. It has always felt uncomfortable.. awkward for me… I wasn’t sure why. . I just have always known Jennifer wasn’t a a warrior. She was a barely 6 yr old girl who loved to hide from her Daddy when he came home from work and then jump out to surprise him…a little girl who snored like a grown man but always denied it was her. A brown eyed beauty who truly believed in the magic of a princess.    I don’t think any of our DIPG kids are warriors really.. .I think they are more like sitting ducks. Being picked off one by one. I am angry. I wrote awhile ago how it wasn’t a fair fight for her. And I realized this feeling is just an extension of[…]

rear view mirror

I don’t want to write tonight.. I don’t want to go there.. here. To remember where I was 4 months ago tonight. Steeling myself for the something so strong .. it dissolves steel. It started to hit this morning.. driving to a friends house I cried silent.. tears… but since then I have run from the truth that haunts me .. I cried angry tears and sad tears.. Relay for life is soon to happen in my town. Driving I saw the purple ribbons everywhere.. I wish I had no connection to it…I wish it didn’t impact me like it does. It made me feel stupid looking at them. . How I had been tricked into thinking that the money raised was for all cancers.. pediatric and adult when in reality it is unproprtionaly split towards adult cancer. 1 cent of every dollar goes towards pediatrics (PAC2) A worthy organization[…]

confusion

  I confuse myself. I was watching a show with the teenager getting teased. I had already worked myself into a frenzy about that happening to Jennifer when she started kindergarten. I was so worried about not being there for her so many hours a day. What I wouldn’t give for that now. To be able to deal with her school troubles…and hurt feelings. I tell myself how I would appreciate it. ..I wouldn’t though. I don’t for my other kids. I found myself later in the evening worrying about my boys getting teased in school. What their issues might be. Then I realized what a hypocrite that makes me. The past summer. Right before she was diagnosed..I said and thought quite often that it was my perfect time. 4 kids home with me. 5,3,1 and a newborn. I would have frozen that time if I could have. I had[…]