Month: July 2016

upside to child loss.

There are side effects of child loss, but I have learned lately not all are negative. And none of them are stagnant. They all seem to be, at least for me, on a pendulum. I realized today I miss some of the moderation that life used to hold. That middle ground of normalcy.. Maybe it will return.. Maybe 10-15 years .. But right now I can’t imagine that it will. I realized today I am always on edge.. Not a razor sharp emotional breakdown edge.. or losing my shit edge but rather just tight? or guarded? or maybe waiting and prepared?.. Not sure the right way to explain it. . I just know I am pretty much never just hanging loose in the middle anymore. .. Because I know that thing that causes people to say ” I can’t imagine it” or ” thats my worst fear” .. I know the[…]

spoken in silence

I miss you Jennifer.  I wish I had something more.. something deeper and more profound to say. Words fail me though. . Because I constantly miss her.. Its always there.. sometimes just a subtle current. But not always.. it scares me how quickly the tide can rise up and drown me in my own sorrow.. .. I mean I get it.. I think if I was an outsider looking in I would get it.. Its my daughter.. My child. I can cognitively understand that it will never really get better.. But it scares me still, the times that I can feel it slowly building and growing power.. Or times that it just swells up suddenly.. How easily I can still succumb to the simple yet echoingly deep grief. How I can look up at her picture and yearn.. so incredibly. .. to just follow her into the light.. I imagine[…]

a letter to my surviving kids

Kids. This ones for you. I recently said I was excited to get old. That my age only bothers me because I am still so young. One of my brothers is turning 40 this week and I thought I know exactly what I will think when I blow out my 40 candles.. The same thing I think every year now.. One year closer… a little bit closer to my grave. And that makes me happy.. Then I was asked about my other kids.. Do I worry about how those feelings might impact them? So kids. This one. This ones all for you. .. ..your mothers love letter to you.. They all are really though.. Just not in the typical fashion. Every word I type here is my fight for you. My digging into the infection that is grief. A wound created by the loss of your sister. One that if left[…]

the loudest noise

Its the little things.. the silly, seemingly insignificant things that can rock you to your core. It’s not just like that with child loss though .. I think its like that with everything. The things you take most for granted are the things you miss most when they are gone. Her name. Jennifer. I have written often about how it matters. How I like to hear people say it. To know they are breathing life back into her by using her name.. But I think I forgot about me. I use it. I talk about her. Often. But another bereaved mama friend posted something the other day that made me realize what a huge piece is missing. .. Her name. Jennifer. Talking to her. Saying her name to her. My friend posted that she walked around her home calling Liam. .. just over and over again calling his name. She[…]

Guest Blog – Dyan Part 2

This is a follow up to a easier blog written by Dyan.. and a introduction to how she turned her talent into action. Thank you for sharing your story with us. And showing us your talent and devotion to your daughter.. and kids that are fighting and scared.  Why I don’t know why things happen the way they do. I don’t know why my daughter’s genes mutated, what little thing caused their line-up to go awry. I don’t know why it took so long for us to notice something wasn’t right with her spine. I dress her two times a day and am the one who gives her baths several times a week. That adds up to hundreds of times in just one year that I had plain view of her back. Why didn’t I notice this thing that was so very far off course? I don’t know if it was the[…]