Everything is so different in our lives now. From the little things to the big things. Obvious changes to one I never would have predicted.
Like right now I am sitting in a hotel room all by myself… 8 months pregnant with baby #5, (who happens to be giving me raging heartburn) because I am a working mom. All 3 of these things I would have never imagined.
We were done with Charlotte a perfectly complete little family.. completed with book end daughters.
I never wanted to travel alone. .. family vacations or romantic getaways with Tony was the biggest and most I ever wanted. And working mom. When Tony and I were dating we talked about our visions for the future. Mine was quite clear to me. A home full of kids with a man I loved and me getting the privilege to take of them all as my only job. It wasn’t quite to clear for him, but the more he knew me.. and I think started to love me he wanted the same things.
The struggle to get to Jennifer (for those new to the blog) that included 5 IVFs, 5 miscarriages and 1 failed adoption.. galvanized that want in him for the same family I had envisioned for so long.
We still are often in disbelief that we were given all we have.. and then lost who we lost. The little girl that started it all for us.
But also all we have been given. I am here in the hotel because I am meeting with an amazing supporter of ours.. getting to meet her and thank her in person. Hopefully tomorrow I can spend time with another Dad that lost his daughter to DIPG and started his own foundation and try to learn from him. And then Friday night other moms will join me here. Moms just like me. With one of their kids in heaven because of cancer.
We have no plans .. other than just being together. From all different walks of life and personality types.. but one thing in common that binds us tightly. Im excited.. I’m nervous and I am grateful to not be alone in this life..
Selfish of me.. But I couldn’t survive this alone. And there is just something about the contact with other moms who just know. To be able to sit with them and laugh and talk and share in person. It is really cathartic for me.
But then I sit.. alone in this room and I find myself fiddling with the necklace I wear daily that a friend made for me that carries Jennifer’s picture and a token on it to symbolize our other kids. . And I wonder if she is here too? Everytime I travel now I imagine her with me. .. What it would have been like to do this trip with her.
I know it makes literally no sense, because if she was here I wouldn’t be on this trip, but its just how my mind works. I envisioned her walking with me helping me find the taxi area. That she would be able to read by now and she would likely lead the way. The hallways here at this hotel and long and wide and I imagined her running ahead of me.. giggling with hair splayed out around her.
I can imagine snuggling in bed next to her. Like we did for so many night living just us girls.. me her and Charlotte in Palo Alto while she was in treatment.
These unlived memories both break my heart and make it leap out of my chest.. Because I can’t help it..
Part of me believes. . Part of me trusts that somehow . .. just beyond my vision she is here. Learning and traveling and loving and touching right along with me. That as I meet these other moms that already understand me, she will meet children that already understand her.
i miss you
tonight i will snuggle pinkie
you come to my in my dreams.
..until there is a cure..