I came home yesterday to a clean house.. boys happily playing at their coco and papas and a meal on the table.
Oh how I love this man.
But the thing I noticed first was baby Charlotte in her frozen sisters dress turned shirt. I had them made.. one for each of my daughters.
As I walked back to my room after putting baby Charlotte to bed I noticed a gift in Jennifers room. A gift bag full of things with tissue paper at the top. I asked Tony about it and he told me Jonathan has decided on the way home from the vacation that he wanted to give sissy and daddy gifts.. so he did..
I often wonder about his little mind.. what is going on inside of it. My final day of the Tahoe trip I told him about the nano course I was going to .. about how I was trying to learn more so I can find ways to help these drs and scientists find cures. He looked up at me through his lashes … another remarkable trait he got from his Daddy. .. and asked how do they know the cure and why didn’t we take Jennifer to them?
I was stunned. I was thankfully already on my haunches .. because I literally fell over with the gravity of his question. I explained no child has ever survived with her kind of cancer. Thats what these drs are working towards.. being able to save all the kids. And that we.. mommy daddy and her doctors did the very best we could for Jennifer…I hope he believes me.
I put my hands on his knees and said that its ok to be sad and mad. .. but he was already over the whole conversation. ..
Today we were all playing outside together. I love being in our backyard. A place she loved that holds so many memories .. and other than her bedroom its the place I feel closest to her. Actually in a lot of ways its better than her bedroom.. because being in there brings up a different level and rawness of emotion. Its like my ache for her rips open.
In the backyard we had lots of laughter today, playing football.. me and Nicholas versus daddy and Jonathan.. and baby Charlotte was a floater! I could look over.. see her area in our yard. A giant butterfly, her stone, a light up dragonfly and 2 just planted rose bushes. Each one has had a perfect pink bloom. I can look over to that place and give her a wink.. remember her..the new her. The dead her. The one I am fighting to try to accept is our new truth. In her room I just feel like all I can see is the old her.. the living her. All I hear is the absence of her laughter.. of her calling me mama.
one of her first words.. but not her last.
I shouldn’t know that. We aren’t meant to know our child’s last words.. They are supposed to know ours.
..and I still hate the lasts.. remember with me.. So many I didn’t see coming. So many I didn’t cherish even as hard as I was trying to.
I feel another 12th breathing down my neck… We have so much set for this week. Packaging the fluttering kits.. then the 12th and starting a new support group. . Then a private Sara Bareilles concert where I will hopefully get a chance to share what her music has meant and continues to mean to our family. Then a big concert with her again with a sister in law. .. Something every night next week.
That’s a good example of how so much has been indirectly changed. Not since we had Jennifer have I gone out more than once in a week. .. If I am being really honest it was rare I went out twice in a month. Now I have spent whole days apart from my family. I believe in what we are doing. But sometimes I hate this new life I am living. Where I just don’t feel like me.
Jonathan senses it too I think. He wanted to make a gift for me today. He had Daddy help write a note for me..
His heart is so broken. His innocence stripped away. I used to be able to kiss their boo boos away… but I am just as powerless now as I was for Jennifer. The feeling is so very similar.. because I wonder if I am saying the right thing.. I worry about what he is feeling but not telling me. I don’t want to lie to him.. but I don’t want to scare him either.
I went through every one of those emotions with her those 3.5 months she had cancer..
or was it the cancer having her?
Looking back I know she fought every step of the way.. I know she struggled against this beast that was thriving underneath her long dirty blonde hair. .. But once it started it never relented.. never gave her a moments peace from it.
You never would have known. She never stopped being a loving daughter or protective big sister.
I miss that so much. I miss us so much. I miss her so much ..
I miss her so much
I miss her so much.
..i miss you…
…Until there is a cure.. .