Daddy… 5 months gone..

It has only been 5 months, but it feels like a life time. I find myself looking at pictures and old quick movies that I took on my phone of her and her brothers and I still can’t believe it; I don’t want to believe it. The fog has unfortunately lifted and now my family is smacked in the face of this reality.IMG_0922

The day to day activities seem to be moving back to the norm (new norm) with me going to work and Libby and the kids having play dates and running errands. I don’t like the fact that it is moving in this direction. I feel like I need to be doing something different, something big, making a difference and all I am doing is going to work for 10 to 14 hours a day, come home and kiss the kids goodnight and sit on the couch until its time for bed and do it all over again. I am supposed to be setting up the books for our non-profit, and learn how to be a Treasurer of a 501(c)3 and I am just dragging my feet.

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I told Lib that my priorities have changed with this whole tragedy, but at the end of the day, I slip right back into my old habits of working too much. I think subconsciously it is my way of escaping the reality that she is not here. When I am at work, I am not a grieving dad, I am a worker that needs to get things done and support others to get what they need done. When I am at home, I am immediately thrown back into the reality that my daughter is dead and I can’t IMG_0601fix it. I honestly don’t know how Lib does it. She is smacked with this reality 22×7 (2hrs for her cross fit). She can rarely escape and I do not envy her.

The dreaded question came for the first time since she died this past week, “How many kids do you have?” I said 4 and left it at that…”How old?” Crap…Forever 6, 4, 2, 1…She laughed when I said forever 6. Because I have worked with this person in the past, I assumed she knew…she did, but did not realize it was me. At that point I felt I had to explain and then she got it…DSC_0131

 

I hate being the downer and I feel like I am anytime I talk about her. I see peoples faces change if I bring something up that has to do with her. Luckily because I am a guy, I don’t talk about feelings and stuff that often (other than to my wife and therapist). My problem is that this is my reality and I need to not worry about how it will affect others.

It is only a couple minutes of their life that they will be uncomfortable…it is my eternity.IMG_0232

Lib mentioned that maybe I could write a little about the holidays. For me, I have no idea how I will react to a holiday. I figured Fathers day would be really hard for me this year, and for some reason it wasn’t, but next year it might. Now the 4th of July kicked my ass.

I had one of those moments where I wanted to escape as fast as I could and pretend it was not happening. The whole ride over to the parade, music that made me think of her played. We got to our destination and Lib burst into tears, Charlotte starts crying, I did not take my younger son out of the car the way he wanted so he lost it, then takes off running down the street and I feel like everyone is staring at me and I cant fix a damn thing.

My mind shuts off and my anger comes out…and that always fixes everything. I blame it all on Libby, the one person that is hurting just as much as I am (if not more) and all she did was have the same reaction as I did, but the correct way. It is easier for me to get mad rather then be sad. I am more comfortable yelling and blaming others than to be sad and in the moment and possibly let someone see me cry. I have never cried this much in my life (and I was a bit of a cry baby when I was a kid). I feel very uneasy just writing that last sentence.

Jennifer not being there for a traditional event is where I believe I struggle. She was always center stage either because of her personality or her Celiac disease. Seeing one of her closest cousins without his bud by his side still chokes me up when i think about it. I think Christmas is going to chew me up and spit me out…but really who knows and there is no point worrying about how it is going to be until you are there. I need to worry about what is happening today, this weekend, not what might happen in 6 months or a year.

With Lib, she does wonder whats going to happen and it works for her. It helps her to think about how people will react in a year, 2, 10 and it prompts her to make changes today. To help others know what she needs from them so her worries do not come true. I love how her mind works and how truly brilliant she is. Libby really is an amazing women and I am very lucky to have her as my wife. I do not see the kind of drive she has in many people. As difficult as it is for her to see, she will and has made a difference in this cancer world.

I just wish it was not the death of our daughter Jennifer that forced the hand.

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38 Responses to “Daddy… 5 months gone..”

  1. I am devastated for all of you! All 6 of you. Thank you for sharing. Jennifer will always be remembered! You are an amazing family that will make a change in this world. Jennifer will make a change. She already has !!! Praying for you… always!

  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us it’s nice to hear from you to. You are exactly right Libby Is an amazing woman,I read her blogs daily and try to support her in every way I can. Jennifer has touched so many hearts especially mine in a way I can not explain, I think if her and your family daily. Thank you again for sharing your beautiful Angel with us. Jennifer with never be forgotten and always in our hearts, Kranz family of 6. Big hugs for all of you.

  3. You are an amazing Father Tony. Thankyou so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. We love all of you. All 6 if you. Jennifer will always be in my heart and never forgotten. LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER 6 ♡

  4. Everyone copes differently to losses. Thank you again for sharing. We keep all 6 of you in our prayers and do what we can to support Unravel. I wish things were different…..I’m sorry for your loss.

  5. You are an amazing Father Tony. Thankyou so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. We love all of you. All 6 if you. Jennifer will always be in my heart and never forgotten. LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER 6 ♡.

  6. I feel for your whole family. Keep explaining to others about your 4 children and about Jennifer bring forever 6 because it will help talking about her…increase awareness and help find a cure. My aunt lost a son Billy to nephritis when he was forever 6…he was remembered and talked about at every family gathering and special occasion. I never knew him…Billy passed away before I was born… 50+ years ago….but he is and always will be remembered….
    in fact, my son, Billy, age 24, is named for him. There will be many Jennifer’s named in the future because of your glitter girl… in hopes that it brings awareness and a cure.

  7. So well written, Tony. Thanks for letting us get to know you better.
    Please allow yourself all the mistakes that our humanity allows. Try to forgive yourself for them.There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
    And . . . no one expects you to fix everything or even anything. This is life. We’re all living it, but some things are just not fixable. We just have to endure in any way we can, do the best for our families that we are able at the time, and wait for time to build scar tissue so everything doesn’t hurt so gosh darn much.

  8. I think about your family often, although we’ve never met. Your lives have a powerful impact on me as well as many others. You’ve opened eyes and hearts to the horrors of pediatric cancer, but have inspired and ignited passion to put an end to it. We thank you each for sharing your lives with us– the struggles, the milestones, but most importantly, your love and your family. While on this journey, I hope you find a sense of peace, comfort, and support…..may Unravel thrive and do amazing things! Bless you all.

  9. Thank you for sharing, Tony. I think of your family so often, and read this blog faithfully, and I often wonder how YOU’RE doing. It’s nice to hear it in your words.

    Continue to love each other through it. That’s all you can do.

    Love,
    Diana from NH

  10. Thank you for bearing your soul, Tony! I think all of your fab family has made a difference in the fight against cancer. You are all remarkable and amazing! I wish to offer words of comfort and encouragement to you and Libby but in my anger, I can find none, so I am sending you hugs and love!

  11. Not only am I so sorry for your loss of that sweet glitter girl, but I’m so very sorry the fog has lifted. Just know that there are so many people out here praying, sending good vibes, etc daily. Your family has forever changed so many of us.
    Anger is such a normal emotion for your grief. I am glad you all are in therapy, and the fact that you 2 are best friends is a huge blessing during this tragic time. You all are doing everything you can do. Allow yourself some grace & peace. Thank you both for your honesty.

  12. Sending my love to the Kranz Family. You guys will be forever in my heart, my prayers and daily thoughts. It’s ok to be angry Tony. I am mad at the world for JLK’s passing and I can’t even begin to imagine the nightmare that your family lives everyday. Please keep talking about JLK being Forever 6. It gets the message out to more people. I am so sorry for your loss. Always thinking of your family….until there is a cure….So much Love4JLK.

  13. Tony, I have never cried so much, never hurt so much and certainly never prayed so much as I have for your family . And I have never met you . You are doing as good as your grief lets you, you are only human, with a big papa heart, please be good to yourself. And yes, you are certainly very lucky to have Libby. And Jennifer was lucky to have you as the family who made her the happy little girl she was. Please don’t forget how happy you made her. Pictures speak a thousand words.

  14. So good to hear from you Tony. Only thing I can tell you is what a wonderful and loving relationship you and your wife share. I know there are moments but for all you both have been through and still worry and care so much for each others feelings is amazing. May God Bless you both and give you the strength each and everyday to go on and be able to accomplish all you have to accomplish for the beautiful Jennifer (Glitter Girl) She was an amazing sweet girl that made such an impact on so many peoples lives. I will keep all 6 of you in my prayers each an every day. I have talked to Libby a little about a fundraiser I want to do for your cause and to be part of it.

  15. Tony, this truly touched my heart and soul. You’re a such a loving and brave father to all four of your children. I’m so very sorry you have to endure all that. But there’s so much love in your words. Thank you for sharing your thoughts – many dads will find comfort in them!

  16. My heart is with you and Libby and the kids. If I could take an ounce of your grief away I would. Thinking of all of you. Sending you love and grace and peace.

  17. Tony, it’s good to have you write too, it helps all the father’s so much, both you and Libby are amazing parents, your so right it’s your forever reality ,so if someone gets uncomfortable it’s ok , it’s sad so very sad, I don’t what to say most of the time when i read Libby’s blog,I just cry and pray for your family, I live in Gilroy too, and I believe I shared to before, but here it goes, I was in Nob Hill with my granddaughter believe it was it was Sept and we were in line and the next line over was Libby, Jennifer and the baby, My granddaughter say look there;s a baby like our, (her baby sister was born May 13) and your sweet Jennifer smile at my granddaughter and waved, my granddaughter was so happy . My granddaughter keep saying how pretty Jennifer is, and the night and many last since she has ask me too blow dry her hair straight ( she has curly hair) so she can like “just the the pretty girl in Nob Hill” I was so shock when I found out our pretty little girl in Nob Hill was your sweet Jennifer, So I’m here for whatever I can do for you and your family , my heart breaks I think about all of everyday through out the day What a sweet Daddy you are….Hugs

  18. Thank you for sharing your raw emotions with us, Tony. Many followers of Libby’s blog have never met your family (myself included), but I feel such a close connection to you and your wife because I too am a parent of a little girl. Jennifer is constantly on my mind…every time I see my daughter playing dress up, every time I see glitter, every time I hear the name “Jennifer”, and sometimes just on random occasions. JLK has made such an impact on the world. Such a little angel to create such a change in the world, but it is the truth. God bless you and your family.

  19. You are both so brave and I hope you feel the love and support from all of us. I wish your family wasn’t going through this everyday and I pray for all of you everyday.

    Sending you love and prayers.

    Vanessa

  20. Thank you for sharing your heart with us Tony. Not a day goes by that your family is not in my thoughts.
    Suzi

  21. Thank you for your bravery and honesty. I feel like I can relate to that sense if it being easier to feel anger than sadness and certainly to the part about how the anger always seems to come out at the person who is the closest and safest to be mad at, however unfair that might be. All we can do its forgive ourselves and keep trying. You all continue to amaze me and remain in my heart and prayers.

  22. Tony, your willingness to share and open up is you doing something big. Your words are pushing me to do more, to make a difference, to spread the glitter. Hugs to all 6 of you!

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