her silence..

I wonder a lot what I look like to others. You see me and talk to me and I seem relatively normal. I am not.

I wonder if people think I am begin over dramatic with my writing. I am not.

What I write is my truth. I don’t even understand it. I don’t understand how its getting harder and harder every day.

Every free moment I get I cry right now. When I go to the bathroom I take those few minutes and I cry.

Big silent tears.

I know there was a article going around Facebook about tears for different reasons looked at under a microscope having different physical properties. I am not at all surprised by it.. and it helps me feel a little less crazy. Right now my tears are bigger than normal.. and heavier too. And when I cry.. they just fall.. one right after the other onto my shirt.

10259740_10202094957591772_5400390554732950913_nToday I took the boys to preschool summer camp. Nicholas’ first experience. We talked about Jonathan taking care of him and I was so thankful I got to say … “You take care of him.. like Jennifer took care of you last year.” and then I thought that I can say that when Charlotte goes to Nicholas. That Jonathan took care of him at his first camp the way Jennifer took care of him.. and now you need to do it for Charlotte. I love it. I love so much that I can include her in preschool camp.

but thats it.

Thats the last of it..

Nicholas did really well today. Jonathan was an amazing big brother but Nicholas also just took care of himself.. he is so independent like that. This morning Nicholas was all kinds of hyper nervous energy.. Jonathan was talking to him about how he would help him and show him what to do.. By the time we got to school Nicholas was ready to jump out of the car and Jonathan was the one I had to coax out.

IMG_4797I found myself driving home.. crying since it was just me and Baby Charlotte.. thinking about the boys and Jennifer. How she was going to pave the way for Jonathan. How he isn’t made to go first. .. to be the oldest. In a lot of ways Nicholas is more adept at begin the eldest.. and its just not fair. I don’t understand why Jonathan is being forced into a role in our family that he wasn’t created for.

Tony and I talked yesterday while the boys were in quiet time. Which I am happy to report has been instrumental in bringing them together as friends. They go back there with the timer and I give them a puzzle or train tracks or game and they stay back there and play.. not always together.. but near each other. ..

I remember Jonathan and Jennifer back there. One was always running out to me… they played together like best friends do the whole time… and fought me on cleaning up every single day.

..she called me Mama sometimes. ..

Tony and I were talking (I asked him to do another guest blog) and I told him how I am starting to realize she was real. DSC_1024That so much of this time it almost feels like a dream.. like a fantasy that my beloved daughter wasn’t even real. Now I am starting to realize she was.. perhaps thats the reason for the constant tears I am experiencing now ..?

He said he wonders if this is hell. If he is dead and this is hell. Not that this feels like hell.. but that its so bad he sincerely questions if he is in hell.

We talked about us. About each of our fears for our marriage in this living hell we are in together. We have very different fears and for very different reasons.. but we are talking about them… always renewing our commitment to each other and our family…simply through talking to each other. We grieve her so differently. We even have different regrets about the same exact moments with her.

Learning what Tony thinks and feels about all of this makes me wonder what is going on in my Jonathan’s head..

He misses her. So much. He is really struggling with it right now. He had a dream about her this weekend. Tony asked, like we often do, what they dreamed about and he said Jennifer. But he didn’t want to share what he dreamt with his Daddy. We still aren’t sure exactly why not. With Tonys permission I asked Jonathan later about his dream and he shared it with me. I wonder if maybe he is dreaming about her every night .. only to wake up and find she is still gone.

securedownloadI told him today that I sometimes still think she is going to come back.. that I know she isn’t.. that I know she is gone in the way we know her forever.. but that sometimes I still think she is going to walk in a room.. I figure if I am thinking it.. he probably is too.. He is only 4 though .. so he has no outlet.. no friend to talk to about it.. nobody to say .. I know me too..

I wish I knew the right things to do for my surviving children. I am just making it up as I go along.

I just know he is hurting tremendously now. I feel like we are all deepening in our grief over the last couple of weeks. And I just hate it. I wish I could save us all.. I wish I could do something to make this better.

I can’t though.

I can and will fight for other kids. I will do everything I can to raise peoples awareness about childhood cancer. .. and the devastation it causes.. to the child stricken and the families. .. Maybe even more the families since I only know such a short snapshot of time with a cancer child.

The complete decimation of our family though is something I am learning about daily as we struggle to rebuild.

I thought cancer was hard.. I thought hearing the words “there is no cure” was hard..

its nothing..

it does not even compare ..

to her silence.

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41 Responses to “her silence..”

  1. Dear Libby,
    your words tonight are very heavy, chest hurting and hard to breathe….
    Whenever you feel that Jennifer’s silence is very-very long, just remember how years in our world are moments in heaven. And that one day those moments will become the moments of each of us. And until then it hurts very much but that until then also a lot has to be done down here. For the other children. And maybe that is why the silence is going to be long. xxx

  2. Deep breaths. Big huge tears and deep deep breaths….there is so much more I want to say but right now the tears are just too big….

  3. Libby, so much love to you, Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas, baby Charlotte and Jennifer. All the love I have to give. ♡

  4. Still thinking of you and your family daily, still praying for your comfort and wishing you peace as you persevere every day. I know everyone tells you this a lot, but I want to reiterate how much your words impact the way I parent, turning those no’s into yes’s, just trying to be nicer and more present.

  5. My heart breaks for you and your family. Keep fighting, Libby. You’re so strong and inspiring. Love and prayers to all 6 of you!
    XO

  6. Libby No way you are ever being dramatic in your writing. My heart breaks so much for you….For your sweet Jonathan. It makes me so sad that he has been forced into this role that he was not prepared for. I think of you often Libby…..all 6 of you. I know it sounds weird to say but I love your family so much! I am here if you need anything. I will always be here for you. When I see you…I see a strong Mama that is making a difference. You inspire me in so many ways. sending you many hugs and kisses.

  7. A prayer I pray for you:

    Oh Heavenly Father
    Please wrap the Kranz family in your loving embrace. Provide them with comfort and strength and knowledge in how to navigate these painful days and years. Give knowledge and strength and love to Libby and Tony – give words to Jonathan to share what he’s thinking and feeling – provide comfort to all the kids. Give them the power to make a difference. All this I pray from the bottom of my heart. In Jesus’ sweet name. Amen

  8. I am so sorry. I wish I could say something that would make it all go away. I wish I could help you. I hope you know your words and you sharing your beautiful Jennifer and Family with me through your blog pushes me to act and spread awareness. I am so sorry.

  9. Her silence, I’m sure, is deafening to you. But she is not silent. Her voice comes through all the time, in your work toward awareness, in your blog. Complete strangers (like me) NOW know Jennifer – what she was, what she is, and what a travesty pediatric research funding is, and how to help (in some small ways).

  10. I can’t imagine any parent thinking you are being overly dramatic in your writing. To the contrary, I think that through your writing we only see the tip of the iceberg that is your grief and pain. Jennifer showed Jonathan how to take care of his younger siblings and I believe those lessons will stay with him. It isn’t fair that he is taking on this role but in time he will grow into it and Jennifer will guide him from heaven.

  11. Today your words are so sad to me. I can feel your struggle of missing Jennifer and trying to be strong for Johnathan, Nicholas, and baby Charlotte. Crying when your alone and so sad. I am so happy to hear that you and Tony are talking and telling each other about your fears of your relationship but the best part is that you are working together to keep it together and strong. I pray for you and your family each and every night and I always ask God to bless your family with comfort and strength. I have never thought of you being over dramatic. No one and I mean no one could ever know what you are going through unless they have been there. Loosing a child is hell on earth I agree with Tony. The pain has to be horrific. I have never lost a child and the closest I have come to that is when my daughter lost her baby and I still can cry when I think of it and she was only four months pregnant so I never really got to see that baby and I still feel pain. You had Jennifer in your life for 6 years a constant so I can only imagine your hurt and pain. But seeing her everyday and watching her as she grew nope can not even imagine that hurt when you lost her. As always I continue to pray for your family and ask God to wrap His arms around you when you are all struggling and give you the comfort and strength you need each and every day. Love you Libby and your family. <3<3<3

  12. I prayed Donna’s prayer out loud (beautiful, Donna), in addition to my own plea to God…… that the agony you are living (and Tony’s and little Jonathan’s), will lessen each day. Please, dear Jesus, have mercy on this family and bless them in ways they can’t even ask or imagine.

  13. Thank you for continuing to write. I know it’s your outlet, but I really appreciate your time in this. I continue to think about Jennifer every day. Lots of love…

  14. Sitting here at work crying….I don’t really have the words…don’t really know what to say. Except that I think of you all every single day. All 6 of you. Love and Hugs.

  15. I’m so so sorry. I wish there was something we can do to ease the pain. No mother should have to experience the pain your experiencing. No mother should have to lay their child to rest. It’s not suppose to work that way. But Libby rest assured that your angel above is looking down having a wonderful time with friends that she has made. There is no bad of any sort where she is. She feels no pain and no emptiness. She is with you guys daily. My thoughts and prayers always to you and your family sweetie. Xoxo ♡JLK♡

  16. It’s just so dang sad. And unreal. I can’t fathom how deeply this grief blankets you but you paint such pictures of its weight. Love for Jennifer and her family.

  17. I lost my sister when I was 3 1/2, she was 5 1/2. I am now 52 and still feel the emptiness. I named my daughter after her. There was hardly ever a day where my mom wasn’t sad, our home was filled with sadness. I don’t know what you can do to ease the grief that fills your home, but I hope with all my heart you do.

  18. I am sorry you have to go through this. It isn’t fair, it just isn’t. My Mom passed almost a year ago (wow that is hard to imagine for me), and I am always talking to her…asking her to keep Jennifer company. Butterflies are my little “signs” that she’s with me. One appeared out of nowhere at her funeral when we were at the cemetary. Since then butterflies are signs from mom…especially yellow ones.

    Well I just came back from Key West/Miami, FL. As we were driving I kept seeing white and yellow butterflies. What was neat I always saw 2 yellow butterflies. Miles and miles apart. Today at home on my ride back from dropping the kids off at daycare. I see again the same type of yellow butterflies…again 2. I have to hope my Mom is telling me she found JLK and they are watching over us.

    Libby..we have never met. I remember you from back in the day in an infertility forum. Our daughters are a year apart, however I’m pretty sure we cycled together. I see so much of Paige in JLK….it scares me…so much that at times I don’t want to read b/c I get so fearful that this could happen to me. But your words/feelings pull me in and I want to take some of the hurt from you. I feel so much of the same pain for the loss of my mom, and know how much that hurts…and to think it to be my child. I can’t truly imagine your pain…but I want to take it away from you.

    I pray for you & Tony everyday. I pray for sweet Jonathon that is hurting so much. I see my youngest in Nicholas (they would be a great team), and Baby Charlotte.

    God Bless you all.

  19. I regret not writing more during Jonah’s illness, and subsequent passing……I often felt scared of what I felt, and even when I would hold back, others were scared and would reply with “You should go see a counselor”….or when things were going bad, the ever annoying “Stay positive” response was common. I wish I had written what I REALLY felt, and I wish I had recorded more in the beginning. It’s three years out now and between the numbness and time, things are fading, vivid memories are fading, or I push them away because I can’t “deal” with them at the moment…..so keep writing. Don’t worry about what others think. A year or two from now, this will help another grieving mom, and may help you too. Grief, although it changes, it will not end until we’re with our child again in heaven.

    1. Thank you..I often look at this blog like my investment in my memory … since it is totally shot and I have so much going on right now.

  20. Hi Libby,

    We have never met, but oddly enough I stood right next to you on July 4th, but had no idea it was you. I found out later that you were there, and suddenly I realized it was you I stood next you while watching the hot dog eating contest. I remember thinking to myself….something wasn’t right. How I wish I knew it was you. I would have reached out.
    I read your blog and today, when you spoke of “hell”, it triggered something in me, so I thought I would share. Maybe it could bring some peace. I heard Marianne Williamson speak on grief once and this was what she said:
    That when Jesus died, there were 3 days. 3 days of darkness, grief, pain, sadness, yes, even “hell”. But then, there was a ressurection. And in our life and in previous life times, there has never been a darkness that was not followed by light…Ever. It’s the natural order of things to correct themselves or be made right. There is always a rebirth. So sometime our Darkness (or 3 days) will be 3 days, but sometimes it’s 3 months, sometimes it’s 3 years. BUT…there is always a Ressurection.

    I hope and pray that your rebirth comes and in the form of a cure for pediatric cancer. It is so not fair that Jennifer is the one who was taken and who suffered, but what an honor you show her everyday being the strong and beautiful mother you are, vowing to help find a cure. You are your own miracle Libby. Trust in that everyday. God Bless all 6 of you.

  21. They say when we dream of someone we have lost its their way of visiting. Maybe Jennifer is visiting her brother. I hope so. Love and prayers. ♡♡♡♡

  22. I witnessed death today. I cried for him & his family though I didn’t know them…I feel the same way for you all. Though I don’t know any of you, I cry for your pain.
    Always thinking & praying for all 6 of you.

  23. Just write. If it works for you, then do it. Give yourself the permission to feel and grieve. You all are solid because of one another. You and your husbands bond was created long before these moments…..it shows. Sending you and the family hugs. Maybe I’m from a different school of thinking but the best counselors are each of you with one another, “true talk” from the heart with someone who loves your heart goes a long way.

  24. There is nothing I can say to make it better, but I can say that this hell on earth does not last forever. We are but a speck of time within eternity. I think about Jennifer and your family every day, I will never forget <3

  25. Your words bring the house down around me and in the rubble I sit feeling how devastating this reality is–and hearing that Tony seriously questions if this is hell makes me so angry at a world that delivers this up.

  26. I never met Jennifer and it doesn’t matter at all. I am so sad for you I can’t even stand it and it’s not even my child. I know that it seems like I should be able to deal since I am a pediatrician but I can’t. I never have really lost a healthy child in my practice, only two that had significant congenital abnormalities. It is a little embarrassing that I am so affected by your loss that I can hardly face you. I didn’t come to the memorial because I was so depressed and didn’t want to get any more so. I am sorry I have been so absent. It’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I feel like my own gut is ripped out every time I think about Jennifer and what you all are going through. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you and I am sorry that you are experiencing this particular hell which is clearly the worst thing once can experience. There is really nothing else I can say, I hope the pain gets more tolerable with time. It seems like you are doing the best possible job of helping your children through their grief as well.

  27. Sending little Jonathan love and uplifting thoughts. I cannot imagine how difficult this journey is on such a little boy. No parent should lose a child, but no child should lose their best friend either.

    I don’t personally believe in God but I find myself hoping there is one that can send your family some relief from your grief. That he can in some way heal your pain.

    Your family is constantly in my thoughts. Sending you love.

  28. You are not being dramatic Libby. “Dramatic” to me is when someone exaggerates or blows something out of proportion. You are being honest and real and you can’t exaggerate the grief you feel over losing your daughter. You are doing a wonderful job with your children! You are loving them, talking and being sensitive to their grief. There is no manual to follow other than your heart. You and your husband are loving each other and communicating, which is so healthy. You will not have the death of a marriage to add to your grief. I’m still praying for your family to have the peace of Jesus Christ, which surpasses all understanding and for you to know His great love for you!

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